Why do I prefer it when my partner is at work or not home?!

[Momtot]

As the title says, I really prefer it when my partner is not here. Let me be clear I love him completely and am happy with him, but lately I’m preferring the days he’s not here over the times he is. I’m wondering if anyone else has felt the same and if it was just a phase?

For some background, we’ve just had our 3rd baby 3 weeks ago so don’t know if it’s hormonal or to do with that..? This has only been this bad for the last couple of months, before that he annoyed me in ways of course (who’s partner doesn’t?!) but I was very happy.

He works 5 days a week 7-5ish including a Saturday. On his days off recently he wants to do nothing, not go out or anything. I’m home with the kids all week and don’t get out as much at the moment so I always want to go on days out etc, which causes bickering.
When he’s home he’s helpful with cleaning, he actually does more of the cleaning than me. But apart from that he just adds stress to the house. We parent very differently, he will shout at the kids about EVERYTHING and speaks to them in a way that I don’t and wouldn’t.
He always seems frustrated and is always moaning about something, often about the house not being perfectly clean and tidy all the time.

He’s very playful with the kids but it’s always rough play or rolling around with them which is great sometimes but completely winds them up and always ends in tears. He’s also a massive wind up so makes jokey digs and comments about everything, I’m very sensitive so I don’t like it and it often leaves me feeling less than good enough.

I feel like when he’s not here we have a better time, there’s less angst and no pressure to have things perfect. The kids are less stressed because I’m more lenient with them (ie I’ll let them bring toys into the living room and he won’t) and we have our own routines which go out the window when he’s home.

Sorry for the rant, there’s a lot more I can say but I just really wanted to know if I’m alone in this or if others have been through similar? If so how did it end?

[Devilesko]

How is that different parenting, he's abusive if he's shouting for nothing.
If he moans tell him to stfu.
I couldn't be doing with being with someone like this, let alone prefering him at work.
Your kids deserve better even if you do say you love him.
You need to take them out, if he is refusing.
Plan ays out without him, he's not a family man.

[Momtot]

Thanks Devilesko, just to be clear he doesn’t shout for nothing, what I meant was when they’re naughty (which they are quite a lot) he will shout rather than take the calming approach.

I think I may have made him out to be something he’s not 🙈 it’s only been the last couple of months it’s been like this and it’s not 100% of the time, before that I would have definitely described him as a family man and everything was fine. That’s why I’m wondering if it’s to do with my hormones or maybe the stress of having 3 kids is affecting him? Just wondering if anyone’s been through the same!

[Tonic54]

I definitely went through a phase with after having both my children of finding my partner intensly annoying, think I am just coming out of it now that the baby is 5months we are getting on much better. So I think some hormones won't be helping.

But from what you have written is your partner ok? It sounds to me if he is shouting more and not wanting to do anything is he depressed? Does he have any hobbies or do any hobbies so he could have some time to himself abit and might help with his mood?

[Momtot]

Thanks Tonic, good to know I’m not alone in feeling like this after having a baby! Sometimes I look at him and feel really bad because he’s not purposefully annoying me, I just sometimes don’t like him being around at the moment we’re both getting less sleep too and haven’t slept in the same bed much since baby has arrived which won’t be helping our relationship.

I’ve thought the same re depression and I’ve asked him quite a few times if he’s okay or if there’s something bothering him, he says he’s fine. But he does seem stressed so maybe it’s just his emotions coming out in an unhealthy way. We relocated at the start of the year and I know he’s been missing family and friends especially because of lockdown so that could be it. It’s his birthday at the weekend so I’ve arranged for his mom to come and surprise him, maybe that will help.

[NewYearNewTwatName]

I think you answered your own question in that OP.

Read it back to yourself as if it was someone else posting.

[Acornsgalore]

I hear you op. I also think your DH sounds depressed.

Before lockdown my DH used to travel a lot for his work, whereas I was stuck at home with DC. He used to come home for the weekend and want to flop and do nothing, whereas I was desperate to get out and about. It's really hard. I think my DH used to think that I had an easier time of it at home, and was surprised by the realities of looking after DC. Equally, I don't think I was appreciative enough of the stresses he was under at work and the gruelling travel.

Once he was back on the road, I felt more empowered and confident and the DC picked up on that I think. The arguments diminished, everything was calmer, the DC did more for themselves and because I didn't need to be constantly refeeing arguments, we could relax and have fun.

That also makes my DH sound awful. He isn't at all. He's very hands on when at home, very kind and funny.

Another problem I currently have now they are older is that he undermines the parenting rules and routines that I have established and that work. If I have a dispute with DC he doesn't always back me up but says he tries to listen to "both sides". Of course it's good that he is open to the DC's point of view, as I try to be, but equally I think we need to parent as a team and back one another up (within reason) and have our disagreements outside of the earshot of the dc in private. Since lockdown, he seems to be exclusively agreeing with the DC. It feels deliberate but he says he's not aware he is doing it.

The current situation is very stressful and just has to be endured I think the best we can. Maybe you could each give one another some space at the weekend so that you both get a morning or afternoon free to do what you want.

I don't know what the answer is long term tbh except to try to equalise the hours you both work and the time when you are looking after DC between the two of you, so that your experience is more equal. It's not always practical though in a situation where the main bread winner earns a lot more than the other parent.

[notanotheronepleasee]

Absolutely feel the same. I really like my routine when one dc is at school and the baby is home with me, DH is at work. I feel like everything is smooth and works.

At the weekends He irritates the life out of me and can't wait til Monday! But as you say, I do love him etc. I think it's normal for a lot of people. Most of my friends feel the same.

Ride it out, hopefully it's just a normal phase

[arinah]

I definitely prefer DH to be out of the house particularly at nap times! He thuds around like an elephant no matter how light footed he tries to be, and DD is an extremely light sleeper! But at the same time I love it when I see DH and DD spending time together and being all cuddly 😊

[Coriandersucks]

I can relate to this. Everything is so calm and the children play nicely together, we have our little routine and everything is tidy and clean. Then dp comes home and it all goes to pot! I had just got them all calm before bedtime tonight then he comes in and starts tickling them and throwing them around. It drives me nuts I can’t wait til he goes back to work. But yes I do love him and he pulls his weight but I do sometimes have fantasies about having a summer house he can go and live in at the bottom of the garden.

It sounds like maybe your dh is just adjusting to the recent change - that’s a lovely thing for you to organise for him I hope he has a nice time (and gives you a break!)