shouty stressed out mum

[Nostrings457]

I thought being a mum would be a perfect family life, enjoying cooking tea and catching up with them and a day at school and work, bathtimes and cuddles, a relaxed winding down at bedtime reading stories. In reality, im stressed from work, at my wits end with DC 7, 5, 3. They argue, they dont listen, the bicker some more, they say Mum Mum Mum more times than i can count.
I've lost every ounce of patience I ever had and have turned in to a horrible shouty stressed out mum. DC are now in bed and I'm sat on the sofa feeling like the shittest mum ever and regretting how the whole evening panned out (again).
I dont know why Im posting but I just needed to get it off my chest.

[NationalShiteYear]

You are not alone

Mine are at their worst when I have put time and energy into cooking a lovely wholesome meal for the family to enjoy (rather than a quick tea after work).

Where is your partner/their other parent in all this?

I think it is supposed to get easier at some point. Not sure when?

[Coronacockup]

I know exactly how you feel mine are the same age I spend most days feeling like the world's worst mother

[Piccalino3]

You could be me! I find it really hard to enjoy them as I'm constantly doing something I don't want to do - cooking, cleaning, sorting, asking for the millionth time for someone to put shoes on, eat their dinner, get dressed etc. I really don't know what the answer is but I'm just hoping I feel better as I get a bit more time to myself. I do love them and wouldn't change things but 6 years and 3 kids on I still miss my old life. My nerves are shot and my patience gone!

[Nostrings457]

DH is around, works very odd hours which doesnt give any routine for me in terms of help which i find irritating. He knows this but is so laid back he doesnt understand why I am stressed. I do probabky 75% of house and kids stuff as well as work. DH is useless at that, we got a cleaner about a motnh ago because i was sick of 'nagging him'.

It seems to be getting harder not easier. I need to make some drastic changes 1. With kids behaviour and 2. With how i react to it but feels its got so bad i dont know where to start

cheers

[Nostrings457]

We're all in this together mums

[MrsPworkingmummy]

You are not alone. I am exactly the same and am often in tears at my wits end most of the time.

[peanut2017]

@Nostrings457 you are definitely not alone. I'm the same stressed in work, sleep fuck all and then have a 3.5 year old and 2 year old.

Living in a small, poxy 2 bed house with no real outdoor space.

I've often lost the head with mine and then like you feel like shit afterwards. You are not alone

[Worstyear2020]

3 kids ft working parents here too, 1 sen child at home 24/7. I don't have cleaners, no friends and family near by. Yes, it's very tiring.... house is a tip.

It could be worst without jobs. This is the only way to make me feel better! Off to buy a lottery ticket.

[Lastlegs]

YANBU

I came on here to write a similar thing.
Today has been hard. We've been self isolating for 2 weeks because of covid. Dad is not really on the scene or very supportive. As my username says I'm on my last legs. No respite. Kids bicker and whine all day. Won't go to bed until 9. I'm just really really freaking tired.

[Nostrings457]

@Lastlegs sorry to hesr that hope you are all okay! I am isolating too. Sending hugs and I know it must be so hard on your own. Put then legs up & have a restful weekend

[Getoutofbed25]

I could have written your post a few years ago, I worked nights, hardly slept, had toddlers all day, was shouty and miserable, felt guilty all the time. I changed jobs and read a book ( I read it frequently) called How to listen so kids will talk and talk so kids will listen. It’s a bit American but really helped me have calmer techniques to deal with the children. It wasn’t a magic cure but it helped me to manage better and realise sometimes the children need to make their own decisions and I can’t control everything.
I really empathise with you, it’s hard going!

[crazychemist]

Phew, those sound like tough ages! I’m not surprised they bicker.

Try to remember that you don’t need to solve everything - ok, so there’ll be times that you need to step in. But they might be able to solve some issues for themselves, worth trying to take a step back and Ignore some minor issues?

Glad you’ve got a cleaner. Would love to have one! Suspect nagging DH is never going to work in most families - someone that doesn’t see it, or doesn’t care about it is unlikely to suddenly become committed to housework.

Stressed from work sounds like it might be the real issue. Maybe this isn’t an option if your DH works odd hours, but is there anything you can do to decompress on your way home so that you aren’t diving straight into family life without a break to get over work first? Even if it’s just going for a walk before you step into the house, or having an uninterrupted shower. Makes the world of difference to me if I have just 10 minutes of alone time!

[Nostrings457]

@getoutofbed25
I actually bought this book about 6 months ago and havent even picked it up. Thats great to hear that it had such a positive impact on you. I will definitely give it a go.

@crazychemist
I could definitely ignore some issues my due to my strained patience i go from 0-10. The cleaning was an ongoing issue, i posted on hear that i was at the end of my tether with my husband due to his lack of effort around the house. I got a reality check when most responses told me it was my issue not DH and i couldnt believe how many people had cleaners? I incorreclty thought you had to be 'posh'. It had made a real difference to me and DH but now need to tackle the kids issue

[NemoRocksMyWorld]

I used to be a lot shoutier than I am now. Truth is its not them that's changed its me. I just take time for myself now. I go for a run, or read a bit of my book, or watch telly. I also make time for them, we play a board game or I read with them or take them out.

House is messier. Kids don't always do their reading /homework. Kids have quick teas most nights. But I'm happier and the kids are happier. It isn't perfect but I think the balance is better. I laugh more than I shout these days. I do shout sometimes though because there are four of them and sometimes they are very annoying

[Nostrings457]

@NemoRocksMyWorld soundslike youve got a really good balance!

[Fatted]

I'll give you my perspective. I find it hard and struggle with my two boys. They are 7 and 5. I have a DH who is on board with house work and the mental load and still found it hard.

Lockdown was a revelation, mainly because I wasn't as stressed out with work. I have gone onto a new job which is a lot less stressful and will involve working from home. I think when you have young kids, you need to have one parent who is more available for the kids, does more of the housework etc. But that does come at the cost of working less hours/lower pay/less stress

[SummerHouse]

Go in to their rooms tonight and watch them while they are sleeping. Remember what beautiful angels they are and what a good mum you are. Being shouty brings a lot of guilt but it won't make them love you any less. Trust me I know. I am a horrible cow sometimes and one day I basically said to DSs that I could be a better mum. They were so heartbreakingly adamant that I was perfect, it made me aspire to meet their deluded view of me. We got this sister. Parenting high five to you and all the other parents who want to be better.

[AbiBrown]

Maybe my experience is irrelevant as we just have the one, so apologies in advance, but we split everything with my husband, we earn a bit less than many on here because we work the equivalent of PT but it gives us the space to do our own thing, see mates go to the cinema etc. The other thing is I do fun things with my daughter I also enjoy, soft play, painting etc.. (she's 2 and we have a wicked soft play nearby 😂) could you find something fun to do with your kids that you'd all enjoy? Might help you all reconnect so to speak :) anyway, it's tough, well done!