We're FTP to a 17 day old baby boy. My husband is a very involved, hands-on dad and he bonded well with the baby initially. He's still off work as he took a month's parental leave, so we're trying to parent 50/50ish at the moment, although I'm exclusively breastfeeding so feeds are pretty much down to me.
In general my husband is quite a calm, even-tempered person, but over the last week or so as the baby has got less and less sleepy and more and more demanding he's started to get so frustrated with the baby. This is particularly true when the baby won't settle at night, or when he appears to be crying for 'no reason'. The language he has started to use about the baby has become really negative e.g. referring to the baby 'faking' or 'lying' about being hungry, raising his voice and saying 'oh FFS' really loudly at the baby when he weed on his outfit etc. We didn't have a great night last night and when I said the baby looked really cute this morning he said 'I don't even want to look at him right now I'm so angry with him'. He takes it personally that the baby seems to prefer me (I've tried to explain that this is because I have the boobs, not some sort of slight on him personally) and he'll settle easier for me than him. They are still having nice times together when the baby is being 'good', but it's like my husband expects a certain standard of behaviour from him and doesn't realise that he's a 2 week old baby who's acting completely appropriately for his age and can't help it.
I'm finding this really hard to understand. Maybe it's the hormones but even with the sleep deprivation and crying I just don't feel angry or frustrated with the baby at all. I feel sorry for the baby when he cries. It's making me feel so angry with my husband for the way he's speaking to and about the baby, which means I struggle to have a constructive conversation with him about it which might actually change his mindset. All I feel like saying is, get a grip you're an adult he's a newborn baby, but that's not very helpful. Has anyone else experienced similar? Is there anything I can do to help?
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Parenting
Husband getting very frustrated with newborn
bluemoon2468 · 23/10/2020 09:50
His behaviour is really concerning. I’d have been fucking livid if DH had spoken to our DD like that. If you’ve told him to grow up a bit and remember he’s an adult and the baby is barely out of the womb I don’t know what to suggest. He’s lacking in kindness and compassion. He has no right to get angry with you for pointing out his failings. Have either of you read up about the fourth trimester?
The problem is if he’s feeling emotionally detached from his child at this point - and he must be to think never mind express our loud that the baby is lying 
- you’re going to get left with more and more of the drudge work while he decides you’re just better at parenting than he is and you get to do the bulk of it. You’re the one breastfeeding, why is he getting annoyed when the baby is hungry? Does he know anything about breastfeeding? It’s not 3 meals a day, it’s every speck of food, drink, snacks and the primary source of comfort. If you’ve told him to stop it when he’s bitching at the baby and it’s making him even angrier then all you can do is tell him the baby is here to stay, life won’t return to what it was before for a very long time if ever and he needs to learn enough about normal infant behaviour - because your baby sounds perfect and so completely normal - and get himself clued up enough to become the parent your child deserves and the husband you deserve.
It sounds like he is struggling and is not his usual self. You say that he is normally calm and even-tempered, so this sounds out of character. I wonder if he is struggling emotionally (maybe has PND?) or he is feeling inadequate and this is how it comes out. Parenting a newborn is a completely different experience, the usual tools and coping mechanisms don't work: you can't approach it the way you would approach a problem at work, you can't reason with it either. We often overlook how tough and challenging the adjustment is for fathers and focus on the mothers instead, but it can be just as difficult. All this is to say that if he is struggling then maybe stern words wont help and he needs more support and understanding until he adjusts. It sounds ridiculous that you may need to look after both a newborn and a grown man..( but hey, they are the weaker sex, right? 
)
Have you considered that it could be post natal depression? Increased anger and irritability is a common symptom of PND for fathers.
Be kind to him, although I appreciate how easy it is to get cross in the moment. Having a baby is a huge change and exhaustion causes us to be completely different people to how we are normally.
Sending you an un-mumsnetty hug 
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@TummyTurtle
Be kind to him, although I appreciate how easy it is to get cross in the moment. Having a baby is a huge change and exhaustion causes us to be completely different people to how we are normally.
Sending you an un-mumsnetty hug
Wanted to say this too - post natal depression happens in dads too. Feeling tired and frustrated is something every new parent has but the types of comments he's been making at times makes me worry it could be more than the usual reaction to having a new baby.
Be kind to him but also be aware that babies are at risk of getting seriously hurt if someone loses their temper physically. I'm not suggesting your husband is at this point yet, or would ever do that, but when sleep deprived and possibly suffering PND people do things they wouldn't normally do.
It's good you're taking this seriously. I think speaking to your husband compassionately when the baby is sleeping and you both are in a good mental space is so important. I also echo pp who said speak to the health visitor about it within your OH earshot - but actually, I'd say even better would be to talk with your husband about how to get support and help, and try and come to a mutual decision to speak to health visitors. Then after that decision, reach out to HV. The HV team have so much experience with this, this is exactly their job is to support parents so please do make use of them. They will want to help you.
I work in paediatrics and I have seen the full range of families struggling to cope. Sadly I have seen the more extreme end of the spectrum when babies get hurt, but I have also seen the type of situation where parents are finding it tough but with good support it all improves with time (and sleep!!).
Lockdown really is such a barrier to new families getting support from family and friends so it's understandable your OH is finding it even tougher due to lockdown isolation.
Big hugs and
to you hubby and bubba xxx
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