Recently Separated / Managing time with children / Setting expectations

[ttamesor]

I'm looking for some independent viewpoints on the situation I'm in and whether I'm being unfair. Thank you in advance for any thoughts.

Background:
I'm the Father of two boys (2.5 and nearly 1) and am legally married to their Mother.
Over the past year, we've split up and we spent 'full lockdown' apart; primarily as I was back living with my parents and sister for a period; my sister being a nurse in the NHS, it was agreed that this was quite a risky place to be and I didn't want to inadvertently pass anything on.
I didn't see my boys, other than through a window, for about 3-4 months.

I'm now living about 7 miles away from them in a house we own (it having been until recently rented out), with my Wife and the boys living in what was to be our 'forever home'.

My Wife is still on maternity leave and is due to go back to work in November, 3 days a week.

I'm self-employed.

The eldest is at a nursery for 3 hours, 3 times a week.

I'm the breadwinner and am providing everything that's needed/wanted.

I see the boys every day during the week, typically between 4pm and bed time (about 730) and I spend almost all the weekend with there with them.

I'm getting the impression I'm always being checked up on. If I'm out in the evening, I'm told that I'm being selfish as my Wife has to be at home with them and is up several times a night and early mornings.

I'm told that I've no idea how hard it is and that she's constantly tired and has no time to be her own person, as I do. I'm lucky to have the life I do, I'm told.

I want to be a Father my boys look up to and, in future, will understand that I did the right thing by them.

However, I'm feeling like I have to lie to their Mother about where I am some evenings (if I'm not at home working) and that's not healthy.

What could/should I be doing in this situation?

[Thatwentbadly]

Who ended the relationship?
When did you split up?
Why did you split up?
Have you/she started divorce proceedings and started to discuss what will happen long term with the house and finances?
All these answers will impact on how your ex feels. I think if you don’t want to feel like you are been checked up on then don’t see the children in their mother’s home.

[Athrawes]

You have a place they can stay. So arrange proper 50:50 care.

[ReefTeeth]

So do you have them overnight? Does your ex get adult time away from the DC?

[LyingDogsLie1]

@Athrawes

You have a place they can stay. So arrange proper 50:50 care.

Exactly. Clearly it’s not working sharing a home. You need some space, so does your wife.

[ttamesor]

Thanks for the responses thus far everybody.

The relationship was ended by her.
We split up at the start of this year.
There was no particular reason for the split, it was 'just one of those things' in that we were constantly bickering with each other and felt that we'd be better parents by being apart than being together. Two happy, separated, parents are better then two unhappy parents was our thinking.

No divorce proceedings has been started. I'll be financing both houses and providing financial support that's need.

As our 2nd isn't yet a year old, and is still being breastfed at night, that true 50:50/overnight stays can't yet happen.

She is having one evening (only, at the moment) 'off'. This has increased from zero recently, due to the 'demands' of the younger - although as he's now less dependent, this could increase.

The thing about being checked up on is that I'm feeling like I'm made to feel guilty if I'm not at (my) home during the evenings, as my ex is forced to be. Perhaps I should feel guilty?
Don't get me wrong, I'm not out every evening - far from it. Perhaps once or twice a week.

[Thatwentbadly]

Why can’t you have the older child to stay over?

You have two very young kids close together that’s very tough on a relationship. Do you think she expected you to agree to the ended of the relationship?

[ttamesor]

Having the older boy over isn't something I've considered.
It's almost as if, he's no extra 'demand' as he's a heavy sleeper and goes through the night no issue; maybe I should suggest it?

Yes, having 2 under 2 was tricky and caused lots of frustration (as well as joy!) which is almost certainly a contributing factor to the end of the relationship.

I'm not sure if she was expecting me to simply agree - I thought it would be good as if it's what she said, then she meant it. The last thing I'd want to do is fight against it and create more, possible, animosity. That said, being apart isn't something I want but felt it is/was the right thing to do; to go with her request.

[TigerQuoll]

Can't agree express and give you a supply of frozen milk for when you have them overnight?

And if you can get the youngest weaned soon, how about you swap houses, you become the main parent and then your wife can get the freedom that she resents you for?

[TigerQuoll]

She* not agree

[ttamesor]

Thanks for the interesting thoughts TigerQuoll - it's crazy to have, such a seemingly obvious suggestion, thrown out there that we'd not considered.