ADVICE NEEDED! How would you deal with a child who is violent to your child?

[Popcornlassie28]

Hi ladies!

Please can I get some advice on this really difficult situation?

I made friends with another Mum with a child of a similar age to mine way back when my daughter was a newborn. My daughter is now 2 and hers is 3.

Her daughter has always been a bit rough and tumble with mine and I’ve always kept a close eye on it. I’ve felt unsettled by it but didn’t want to be OTT and overprotective.

Anyways, her daughter’s behaviour is getting worse. She hits, scratches, bites, pushed as is just a real bully to my daughter. My daughter currently has a black eye from hers.

Her daughters behaviour causes her real issues within preschool and other kids. She even lashes out at her younger sister quite badly marking her.

People have told me it’s having a younger sibling is the cause of such behaviour but it doesn’t wash with me as she’s always been like it but is getting worse and I’ve had enough. Her behaviour is ridiculous.

I’ve spoken to this Mum before about this and she simply says she knows what her daughter is like but in her words ‘What can you do? It’s her personality’.

Is it better to be blunt and say play dates are off as her daughter is too aggressive? Or should I just distance her away until I seem always too busy to see her?

She knows her daughter is a problem and me pointing it out isn’t going to make a difference. Her child gets rewarded with toys and days out after such behaviour so it’s a lose lose situation to point it out.

I don’t want to cause an argument and I’m so sad as I really get on with this Mum but her parenting is causing real issues and that isn’t my daughters place to be a punchbag for hers.

Thanks so much in advance and sorry if I sound harsh but I’m at the end of my tether😭

[BashfulClam]

Jeep your child safe. Why would you even question what to do? Tell
Her unless her daughter stops being violent your child will not be in her company.

[Popcornlassie28]

@BashfulClam
Thanks for your reply, honestly.

I’m not questioning whether to keep her away or not. I’m questioning whether to be blunt and say why and cause a massive argument or just distance her away and not say. Although I think she could figure out why without much brain cells needed.

I don’t want to be a bitch lol as she knows her child is horrendously behaved.

[minipie]

I’m usually pretty understanding of violent toddlers (having had one myself 😳) if the parent is doing their best to intervene/teach the child not to, but as the parent here doesn’t seem to be even trying to stop the behaviour I’d have no tolerance for this.

I would say you won’t meet up as long as her daughter is doing this and she’s not even trying to prevent it. Perhaps showing your friend that her daughter will lose out socially if she keeps on like this, might change your friend’s approach and do the daughter a favour in the long run.

[Barryisland]

You refuse to meet her again with children in tow.
You tell her exactly why.
That you are protecting your daughter from her violent child.

[seayork2020]

Do not have your child near this child, and no I do not tolerate violence my son has never been violent and if he was he would not be allowed to play with other children outside of school (I dont even like the idea of children having to be at school if they are violent but the world is not ideal)

There is no reason these children have to play together

[Popcornlassie28]

@minipie Aww bless you having a violent toddler yourself! I totally agree and understand your point of view when the parent is doing everything in their power to try to prevent it.

That’s a good way to look at it actually! I don’t think it will be received in that way, I will become the snobby Mum who thinks my child is too good for hers haha

I think honesty is best policy though.

Hope all is smooth sailing for you now with your child😊

[Popcornlassie28]

@Barryisland and @seayork2020 Thank you both so much for commenting.

You are right there is no reason that they have to play together and I’ve decided they aren’t going to see each other again.

I think as much as the conversation is uncomfortable to have it’s going to have to be said otherwise she may walk through life thinking this is ok and it’s not.

[minipie]

my DD still has a hell of a temper but is now just shouty at least! And generally only with me and her dad not her friends. Took a lot of input and effort to stop the hitting though, so it’s worrying your friend isn’t even trying.

I think you have to make it clear the problem is that she’s not stepping in to stop her daughter hitting or applying any consequences. So you feel like the behaviour is never going to get better as it’s not being addressed. Appreciate this will probably not go down well, but what have you got to lose?? You never know she might even listen.

[AnneOfTeenFables]

She's 3. She isn't a bully.
Decline invitations. Limit contact but don't try to tell your 'friend' that her tiny child is a bully. No good will come of it. She knows how her DC behaves. She has another child. Finding out 'friends' are judging her isn't going to help.

[Popcornlassie28]

@AnneOfTeenFables Thanks for your input. I am going to decline all future invitations.

Unless her child knows how to play without drawing blood, ripping hair out etc and she is able to say ‘That isn’t acceptable behaviour’. I think that’s fair😇

[Mediumred]

Yeah, I think lots of kids can be real terrors at that age but it is how the parents handle it. A wee girl like that should be watched like a hawk but it sounds like your friend is being very wishywashy and it is your daughter and other children who are suffering.

If you really can’t say bluntly that you have a problem with her daughter’s behaviour, and it is hard to be so blunt about someone else’s child, I would just say something a bit neutral like ‘the children don’t really seem to be getting on at the moment’ and maybe leave the door open to try again in a few months, if you do meet up though, don’t feel bad about watching her closely, that’s what the mum should be doing but sounds like she isnt!

[BreakfastOfWaffles]

I would be upfront with regard to the behaviour upsetting your child but with the emphasis being on waiting out this phase in the violent child's development. Say something like "I'm afraid at the moment X's behaviour is really upsetting Y. I think it's best for her if they don't meet for a while until she's settled down".

[Dillydallyingthrough]

I think you should be honest about why you dont want to meet. It may encourage your friend to manage her DDs behaviour as she will see first hand how her DDs friendships will be affected.

[Angelina82]

Bloody hell your DD is sporting a black eye caused by this kid and you’re worried about her mum’s feelings. If a friend shrugged off her child constantly hurting mine, AND to the extent that she sometimes left a mark, I would be telling her there and then that I would not be allowing my child to mix with hers again until if/when hers learned to play nicely!

[Yesterdayforgotten]

*’ Do not have your child near this child, and no I do not tolerate violence my son has never been violent and if he was he would not be allowed to play with other children outside of school ’

So your child has never so much as once grabbed or hit when 1 or 2 or 3?

Op I think it is the mother’s attitude that is the issue here; she isn’t disciplining her child so this behaviour will most likely continue and get worse if anything.

[QueenofmyPrinces]

I’ve been in this situation and it’s difficult.

My two sons at the time were 5 and 2 and I befriended a mother and she said she had a 5 year old boy too. After about two months of us being friends she asked if I wanted to go round to hers (I had never been before) and bring my children for play date with her son.

When I got there things seemed fine for the first hour and then her son started getting quite rough with my boys, especially the 2 year old. As time progressed her son then started getting violent, pushing my eldest child over, throwing things at him, deliberately trying to hurt my two year old by hitting him with things etc and it was awful.

The mum apologised and said it was because her son had a degree of autism and he struggled in certain social situations.

I felt so bad because obviously it wasn’t her son’s fault but I couldn’t just sit there and let him hurt my children.

Once we left my 5 year old told me that he never wanted to go there again, and to be honest I didn’t want to subject my children to it either.

The woman kept asking me to go over again (with the boys) but I had to keep making excuses, I felt so guilty. I think she eventually realised how I felt because she stopped asking and we eventually drifted apart.

To this day I still feel awful but I had to put my children first.

You have been friends for a very long time so I would just be honest with her. Tell her that even if it is just her “daughter’s personality” that doesn’t mean you can put your children in situations where they are getting injured in such awful ways.

She will probably be upset and try and make you feel guilty and make out she’s the victim etc but you need to stand firm. You can’t keep exposing your poor daughter to this