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Abusive GF?!

(6 Posts)
Redruby25 Sun 11-Oct-20 00:06:55

So, me and my DS have been staying with my parents, since being evicted and as time has gone on, found the courage to put a stop to exP thinking we will move back together as he was very abusive.

I could go in to great detail about my DF but I think that is best saved for another time. Just a bit of background history.
So DF is to me an alcoholic, not only because he drinks daily but other sides to the situation, always had a massive impact on family life/relationships etc, and even when it is the next morning etc, I think when you drink constantly it never leaves you, and he is still not a nice person only that alcohol makes him worse. To me he is abusive in so many ways, my DM has taken a different approach in her life.

So just a few things that are an issue, my DF is controlling over what DS eats for dinner, as in my DM cooks and there is a big fuss made, if my DS has been out for the day etc, especially with his DF the mood is worse, and then if my DS doesn't want to eat the dinner he has been made it's because he's been out etc, tired, oh we have failed that he hasn't napped in day, thus making him not want his meal as tired. Then my DF wants to know what DS has eaten whilst with his DF, I was called an idiot and stupid for not knowing, I knew but didn't want to say it, as my DF will be even more nasty then. He will say you won't get anything else(okay I know that many say they will not cook different meals for all the family) then he will say 'oh another one to go in the bin' then things like there are children starving in the world and you don't eat yours, note my DS is 2 yrs 8 mths. There was conflict over this subject and DS has picked up on that of course. So I noticed some anxiety in him.
One Eve me and my DF conversated about this subject and he got funny with me but nasty way, as he knows he is wrong. He said okay if he doesn't want to eat no problem it's not an issue, I said it is as it's picked on all the time. He then tried to back track and pretend it's out of concern, it's not really. He then said if he doesn't want to eat there is a problem, I said like what? No answer. I said at his age they can be fussy/eat loads then not much, he done a smirk and said oh yes and you are so knowledgeable on all these things, I said no not really I just don't make a big deal out of it. He said my DS has no chance with me, as I called my DF abusive, and do I expected crap like what he said, to come out, he said he is trying to give the child some sort of life, ha yeah right! Then told me to shut up and go to bed in an aggressive threatening tone, I said can you stop saying those words all the time(shut up) as my DS keeps saying it as you know, he then looked nastily at my DS and said again in an aggressive tone, tell her to shut up and go to bed, my DS then repeated.
If we are out I am anxious upon going home in the evenings, not only how my DF will be, as he drinks from the early afternoon, but also what things will be like when my DS is offered dinner. Please note as much as I am greatful for the cooking I never asked for it to be done, and it was never even growing up, the home you would of cooked your own meals in.
What makes it worse, is my DM is there almost at our feet when we come home, waiting that my DS has to eat this meal. Then if he asks for something else, my DM looks at my DF for bloody permission or approval, which you will never get, and is not needed. What makes it worse is neither my DM or DF eat when they don't want to, or have foods they don't like, if my DF was made something he doesn't like, oh there would be such a fuss!
On the topic of wasted food, my DF spent years of evenings and weekends in the afternoon, granted he had been at work then pub for the rest of the time, with his head in his dinner and food was then wasted.
Again this is not about trying to encourage good habits for the child, and care that he eats. As there are times where my DS has eaten, and still wants more food, my DF will say no 🤦‍♀️ but it's not his choice to make! I have heard GP stories and if you ask for help/have them involved then a price to pay sometimes, but it's gone past that.
My DF is also jealous of time my DM gives DS, pathetic, also if my DS doesn't give my DF attention he gets funny. My DF also tries to take over at times, which I believe is due to the fact he messed up with us as kids. He was never around, never helped, was drunk most of the time. People say oh but he worked and gave you a home, he rented for many years, he likes to forget that now, that he thinks everyone can buy their own home! Yes he worked but my DM had to constantly ask for house keeping. Also he goes on about how wonderful he is because he bought his own home, as though we should be greatful, but barring teen years, after that he didn't want me in it anyway, and other sibling had long gone, said they would rather have been in debt than live at home. So who did he buy it for then?! I don't have any happy memories from growing up here, so although it has been better than being on the streets, it was/is not a happy home.

I could go on but realise I typed far too much, thank you if you read this far.
Would just like to hear what you think about things, particularly latest situation. Thanks in advance!

OP’s posts: |
Ohalrightthen Sun 11-Oct-20 10:14:43

You've moved your child from one abusive home to another. You need to find somewhere else to live, ASAP.

Redruby25 Sun 11-Oct-20 13:52:36

Thank you for responding, Okay from the bits that I have included in my post, what bits do you consider abusive, as there are a few others who don't see it as a problem. Not me of course, and I am getting to the point in life where I don't care what others think or their response would be if I took action. I've had all the eyes welling up from my DF when a previous incident happened, and it doesn't wash.
My DF thinks he has something good to offer, he doesn't, and the fact that my DS likes to be around him doesn't mean anything, he is a child that's what they do. My DS is being exposed to the same environment we had, and one playing the other off against the other, my DM will be nasty towards my DS if my DF says things like tells her off for something, she will change her behaviour towards my DS, just like she has with me, I get so upset and angry like in myself I mean, that she is like that, but I get it, as we are all doing it to a certain extent.
I was told by my local women's advisory service and housing, that a refuge would be optional, then I feel bad or think how will I leave even if not instantly, and there will be lots of questions, and in my head I think no, f you! I will not be nice about it, and will just say I can't give location, then actually doing it, is another thing completely.
Don't get me wrong I have had some real arguments with DF and stuck up for me and my DS, but because of how things get, when like that, I have had to swallow some stuff so that my DS doesn't have to be exposed to it all.

OP’s posts: |
Ohalrightthen Sun 11-Oct-20 14:16:07

On your part, i would say deliberately exposing a child to an alcoholic is abusive.

On the part of your dad - His control and shouting about food is abusive. The threatening tone and sending you to bed is abusive. Talking to you like that in front of your son is abusive. Getting your son to speak like that is abusive, and ABHORRENT.

I think you need to get out, now. If that means a shelter, so be it. You then need serious therapy, because you seem to be repeating patterns from your childhood without really understanding that theyre incredibly toxic. You have to protect your child from the same cycle.

Apple31419 Sun 11-Oct-20 14:24:58

@Redruby25 when you've grown up with abuse, it can be hard to recognise for a number of reasons - being used to it, having the brain that can block it out, denial are examples.

I think, typing it out you recognise your DF is being abusive. I understand if you need validation, when you are in that situation it can be hard to recognise what's acceptable and what's not. Your mum will be siding with him out of fear unfortunately as it's probably the only way she's seen to keep the peace.

Agreed with the other posters you need to get out as reasonably and quickly as possible - is highly unlikely you can reason with your DF best case it'll be all promises and great for a few weeks and it'll skip back to how it was again.

Its not your fault you've ended up in this situation, but now you have a chance to show your DS how to handle it.

Do you have any friends? And I'll include in this friends that you had before your absuive partner, if he had soured the friendship ... They might be willing to help if you can explain

Redruby25 Sun 11-Oct-20 18:06:59

Thank you to those of you who have replied. I think because it is a family member as opposed to a partner, people see it differently. I have certainly found it hard, but when I left originally I just packed a bag and went that night, different circumstances back then, a long time ago, and no child. I thought it would be okay for a little while, and different as I was coming back with a child of my own this time, but it didn't take long for everything to slip badly back in to place, DF is how he is, nothing changed or would of changed.
I think one or two think it is not like a usual abuse situation, because all the boxes are not ticked in terms of what that person does. Like because he has constantly gone on about when I am leaving, but was very willing to help out when moving stuff etc/taking things to his house before eviction. Then no sooner had he done that, started moaning and being nasty about it all, especially exP's belongings as at the time I did not know how things were going to go, and certainly wasn't going to explain it all to my DM/DF what had gone on. And my DF offered to put his stuff at his house too, but the day after said differently. He is certainly smug that I came back and treated exP not well, almost like a ha ha situation. As he saw it years ago like I left home to go and live with exP, not the case. And even if it was so what! Again I am told it is normal for DF's not to want their DD's to have boyfriends like protective. And of course his behaviour was only different with me/DS as we were his kids, not his DW of course! I would love to have seen what DF would of been like if she had tried to leave him. He knows I asked her to leave him, brought it up recently, said to me you made a big mistake saying that to her, ha ha. I did find that funny.
Believe me I have been doing what I can to get out, I have been offering rent in advance etc, and also been told by the council I need to use money I have to claim benefits afterwards, to increase my chance of finding a landlord, as I am a full time stay at home parent right now, and do not have the opportunity to go to work right now. The council are dragging their heels, in typical fashion, which is wrong what they are doing, when they are aware of it being a domestic abuse situation. So I have now asked them to either deal with my case as a priority need, or to give me it in writing that I am not. They have tried to put me off of emergency accommodation, very subtly. I feel despite all the big talk in the public eye about DV, as we aren't being knocked about, it seems to be okay!

OP’s posts: |

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