Help - my friend has become a boring mum!

[Sisken]

I am parent to a couple of under 5s, and they are absolutely the centre of my world. However, I’m very aware when I’m meeting friends, they might not feel the same way.

I came in here as I have a friend who before she had children was one of the most cosmopolitan, emotionally intelligent and fun people I knew. Then the other day, I met with her and her toddler after a bit of a gap (although we text a lot) and was shocked by the change in her.

While she didn’t do anything wrong, she was a long way from the person I remember. Her child was centre stage and she seemed oblivious that anyone might find this challenging. She would break off conversation with me to sing long songs with her son, she allowed him to throw my children’s toys around and let him do a poo on his potty in our kitchen (is this normal? Surely the bathroom would work?) She paid very little attention to my two, one of which was a baby she was meeting for the first time.

Her son is fine, if a little on the attention seeking end. But overall he’s a very normal toddler. However, I find her total obsession with him makes me like him less.

She clearly adores her son, and I really do get that, but I miss my friend and wish that there was a way to see her without her son (she has the ability to do this, as she’s a SAHM and he’s in daycare 3 days a week, but she chooses to bring him). I don’t want to hurt her feelings, but feel if it continues like this, our friendship has an expiration date, which makes me sad.

Any advice?

[DaisyDoo1919]

I'd be advising her to find nicer friends!

[Harrysmummy246]

@DaisyDoo1919

I'd be advising her to find nicer friends!

Yep me too

You're being very very unpleasant OP

[Whalewhale]

This can't be a real thread, surely

[saraclara]

Seriously, pps?

The OP would like her friend back. It's entirely selfish and silly for the friend not to have any interest in conversation that's not about her child. And to interrupt it to sing her kid a song? That would be really annoying.

[Enough4me]

I think you are having a hard time OP. I had a friend who obsessed about her 'golden' child. It was even worse when we were in a group as we would all encourage our DCs not to interrupt and to play fairly while she just spoke to her DC and pointed out how DC likes ..., DC is best at..., DC needs to have the special toy...argh. I'm still friends with all but not that helicopter mum!

[EFLabroad]

I think there are different kinds of parents out there and it can be hard for parents who have different styles or ideas to get along.

I don't think either of you is wrong here, but maybe this friendship has run its course.

[mouseistrapped]

Well
Of course you are being a bit unreasonable however I do sympathise and understand what you are saying. It's basically a grieving process and you've lost that friend which is what you are sad about and it's not coming back. It can be a shock when that kind of thing happens.
Mumsnet will jump on you BUT it is annoying when they have absolutely no interest in your children and yes it gets grating - but you have to grieve, be as kind as you can doing it and move on.

[Bibidy]

I understand how that would be frustrating.

I remember visiting a friend who would stop our conversation when I visited and actually read her child books, just leaving me sitting there like a lemon.

Maybe meet her without the kids next time?

[Napqueen1234]

She sounds really annoying. Could you try and meet one evening for dinner/drinks instead? Try and get her a bit pissed and see if you revert back to old times? If she continues to be a baby bore when he’s not around sadly you may have to part ways.

[nibdedibble]

Happened to me too OP. Very good friend, we had our first babies at the same time...and she became smug and actually very judgemental about people’s parenting styles. When she started saying ‘We’ meaning her baby (we’ve managed the potty today, you get the drift) I had to allow the friendship - of about 8 years - get a bit looser.

The thing is, we were both a bit postnatal and her way was to control everything - perfect food for her baby, perfect habits according to the books - and mine was to go easy on myself, not sweat the small stuff. We changed.

It’s years later, we’re still friends on Facebook. I don’t regret letting it lapse, we’d have ended up arguing.

[Napqueen1234]

Eesh get her pissed sounds dodgy- I mean both have a drink and see if she loosens with no kids about

[Emelene]

It can be really hard to have a decent conversation whilst supervising a toddler. If that's what you want, why don't you arrange an evening phone call or meal out with her? I had to do this recently to get to actually speak to a mum friend of mine!

[BabyLlamaZen]

Op how old is her child? What does she do when he's in daycare?

It's possible she sees you as a mum friend now so hasn't really thought about the possibility of anything else. Can you suggest something just thr two of you?

[TweeterandtheMonkeyman]

@EFLabroad

I think there are different kinds of parents out there and it can be hard for parents who have different styles or ideas to get along.

I don't think either of you is wrong here, but maybe this friendship has run its course.

Yes i agree. I had a quirky interesting friend and was delighted when we had kids within a few years of each other. However, her parenting style was just so so different to mine. She was extremely focussed on her child at all times as per the OP. It was difficult to chat to her, plus I felt like a rubbish parent by comparison. If I’m honest, I just wasn’t enjoying it all as much as she was
The friendship cooled off sadly. I’ve made fab parent friends since with a similar “benign neglect “ vibe to me

[BinkyBoinky]

This has happened to some people I know. As soon as they become parents they become totally obsessed with their kids - and they expect you to be too! The worst is that they suddenly become available once their kids are a bit older and want to pick up where they left off. I can understand their obsession of course. But It's totally selfish to drop their (non-child-bearing) friends and then suddenly remember you exist when they want some kid-free time for themselves.

[REDLIPSTICKANDNAILS]

I had a friend like this, the time she broke into a song for her child half way through a conversation with me was the time I finally had enough. I sat there not knowing what to do and left. It wasn't even a short song either. She was a nightmare.

[ComicePear]

It's normal to find out after having kids that your friend is quite a different sort of parent to you. I think that if you're good friends beforehand, you assume that you'll have similar parenting styles, but this isn't necessarily true.

Maybe arrange to see her without her DC? Otherwise just accept that this is how she is as a mum.

[FizzingWhizzbee123]

I can see both sides. On one hand, it’s really hard to have an uninterrupted conversation around toddlers at times and they do need your focus. Equally, my SIL used to constantly interrupt me when I was talking to squeal “you’re so cute!!!!” at her baby daughter, which I found super irritating and rude. So I can see how cutting over someone to sing a song is annoying.

I second the advice of trying to meet up with her without the kids, in the evening. Might be best all round.

My SIL has grown out of it now that she has two kids, they’re older and she’s tired

[oakleaffy]

Ugh, it is annoying to be talking with a friend and the friend consistently breaking off to talk to a demanding child.

Some people's DC are just very irritating.

Maybe @Sisken it is a continued form of Nappy brain?

Breaking off to sing a song to her DS is a bit over the top..Surely she'd have plenty of time to sing at him at other times?

I am imagining the scene as her DS ''Lays an egg'' in the potty.

''Ohhh Darling! Whose a clever boy!
Look at that great big poo you have done !
Well done! {claps hands, grins inanely}
Shall we take a picture to show daddy??

No Darling, we have to flush it away, No {name} we can't keep it
It has to be flushed away to join his friends at the sewage works''

&c&c.

[MzHz]

Op, YANBU

your friend sounds absolutely mind numbingly dull!

It’s odd that she only wants to see you with the child, can you be child free and suggest a meet up? “No kids as it’s time for us”

Last chance then phase out.