7 year olds behaviour.

[Ivenamechanged13]

I need some advice re my 7 year old DD. Her behaviour has always been extremely cheeky/defiant at home with me but impeccable at school and with others.
I have been doing some reading online and suspect maybe ADD may be at play.

She is an anxious child (I suffer from Generalised anxiety disorder and I think some of my anxiety as rubbed of on her.) And will be getting a but if extra support at school this year to help her deal with this.

Her behaviour I'm struggling with consists of :-
-Throwing tantrums of she doesnt get her own way.

• Threats and blackmail ("do you want me to smash the tv?") If she doesnt get her own way.
• Has to have the last word and answers back constantly. Even if I walk away from an "argument" with her she will follow me about still shouting at me and trying to continue the arguement. Will argue the sky is green if I say its blue!
• She wont sleep. It can be midnight most nights before she falls asleep and then its only with me in with her.
• She wont eat meals. Refuses to eat most things and has a very bland diet. Will really only eat rubbish.
• Going on and on and on whinging and moaning to try and bully into getting her own way.
• Doesnt listen to what I ask her. Eg "Can you please but your toys away again please" is met with a "no" or ignored completely.
• Very bossy. Expects everyone to do as she wants and when. Even acts like this in the park when playing with friends. Interups conversations constantly and gets annoyed if shes asked to wait.

-Hates getting things "wrong". Kicks off if she draws something she sees as wrong etc.

• Has no attention span. She cant even sit at the table for dinner for more than 2 mins before shes up and dancing or messing about. Wont sit and do anything for more than a couple of minutes the moves straight onto something else.

I have tried everything I have seen online. She doesn't care. Consequences just go over her head. Take away privileges and she openly says she doesnt care. Reward charts (loads of different ones) and she doesn't care.

All this behaviour is usually reserved for at home but recently shes now being rude to other family members. I'm embarrassed that others are seeing this behaviour now. I've really been trying my best but it's obviously not good enough. I worry that she will start acting like this at school who think shes lovely (if not a bit shy and anxious). School wont refer us to anybody because they say her behaviour is brilliant.

I'm so worried that if i dont get this sorted now that her behaviour will get worse. Shes also a very loving and clever little girl who I adore and love with all my heart. I dont want her behaviour in the next few years to jeopardise her future.

Has anybody had the same issues and found ways that work in changing this behaviour? I'm getting desperate for some help. Thanks

[ZooKeeper19]

@Ivenamechanged13

Have you looked into ASD? Not saying it is this but many of the points you highlighted seem they will fit.

Especially the one about being an angel in school and less so at home with you. There was a guy that has great videos about ASD girls I think his name is Ross Greene he has many videos on youtube.

I also bought a book called The Explosive Child (my one is still tiny but I like to be prepared...). And the How to talk so kids will listen.

Does your DD have a hobby? Anything she likes? Preferably something physically draining. Does she like animals?

I would try and redirect her rage into something positive where she can express her emotions without hurting anyone.

Also check the difference between a tantrum and a meltdown, see if any of that rings a bell.

[Ivenamechanged13]

Thank you for your post.

I've just had a look at the difference between tantrums and meltdowns and I'm pretty sure its tantrums. It's almost like pure manipulation that will stop when she gets her own way.

Unfortunately no hobbies. I've tried and tried over the years. Dance (several types and classes) and sports etc but she point blank refuses to go or will do once or twice and decided she doesnt want to again. Its cost me a fortune.

I saved up and got her a trampoline for her birthday in the hope she would burn off energy that way but she will only play on it for about 15mins total a day then shes bored. She must be exhausted because she just doesnt stop all day. Always dancing/running about.
Animal wise shes allergic to lots of them. Cats, dogs, horses.

Thank you for the youtube link. I will have a watch of those vids.

[Sweettalks]

Hi,
How much quality time are you spending with your girl? Most of the times kids tend to act defensive or offensive when they crave their parents time. Actually this worked for me with my two kids. I am spending at least an hour a day talking to them and they seem to be more co-operative.
www.mommysmagazine.com/2020/07/child-discipline/
This post may help you to know what I am talking about.

[notthemum]

Hi OP. Look up ODD. It isn't overly established here so can be a while before the doctors will accept this but it is definitely worth a look.
💐 For you. Try not to blame yourself.

[Ivenamechanged13]

@Sweettalks
Thank you for the link will have a look. I try to spend quality time with her but unfortunately because she is so controlling and bossy it doesnt go well most of the time. If we are doing crafty things then I end up "doing it wrong" and she kicks off. If playing in the garden i end up "doing it wrong" and she kicks off. Even going out for a walk together will decend into an argument most times. I do keep trying though.

@notthemum
Yes i can across ODD the other night online and it is her down to a tee. PP above posted a YouTube link and I watched a few more by the guy. It did really make me realise that I've been trying to parent her in totally the wrong way if she has ODD. I changed my mindset yesterday and actually had no major kick offs from her. Best day we have had behaviour wise in months.

Will be talking to the school about it next week and will see what help they can offer.

Thank you for the replies/links etc

[notthemum]

Fantastic OP. Former childminder here but I hadn't heard of it until my Dd pointed it out 2/3 years ago.
Keep pushing school and doctors for this.
I am so pleased that yesterday was a bit easier.
Please look after you. Sometimes when people point things out it is easier to see, and you start to question why you didn't see it. It is purely because you are too close and desperate to help her and let's face it little kids can be bloody hard work.
I have looked into this and looked after children suspected of having it. Still fighting along with the parents for it to be recognised but we will get there.
You are doing a great job.
💐

[buenavistabelle]

Possibly ADHD? The thing that really strikes me is the not sleeping until midnight. Most kids with a neurological disorder have trouble with sleep.
I'm no expert but have you tried speaking to the school nurse or GP. Or if you can afford it, see a paediatrician privately. If you can get the sleeping and eating sorted out then you might find you have a much calmer child. Good luck.

[buenavistabelle]

Also, if it makes you feel any better, my ds went through a similar "phase" a few years ago but has come out the other side now. One thing that really helped was cutting all sugar out of his diet.

[newtb]

Have a look at the definition of PDA on the autism Web site.

DD was like that, too.

[CarrieFour]

Sounds a lot like my best friends daughter who has PDA.

Definitely give it a read.

She was masking at school (as many girls with ASD do) which just meant she was even more exhausted/defiant at home.

Hope you both get some support as sounds very tiring x.

Please don't blame yourself doing anything wrong. X

[newtb]

The manipulation is a prime characteristic of PDA, as is the belief that rules don't apply to them with heightened levels of anxiety. DD was in hospital for this when she was 12.

The children affected see themselves as the adult or 'in charge' and their parents in a subservient role. DD broke DH's glasses in a meltdown when he told her to turn off the TV as it was bedtime when she was 6.