Different rules different house.. help!

[Mywifeandkids1]

Any tips on dealing with the above? Am I going to be undermined my whole parent life or is there a good way of dealing with this? I say no.. too young. Dad says yes at his, his house his rules. How do I stop myself looking like an idiot of a parent with no gumption ?

[LST]

It depends what sort of things I suppose. What does he say yes to that you say no too?

[Mywifeandkids1]

@LST pretty much everything. 🙄 films that I don’t think are age appropriate. Technology I don’t think is age appropriate. Clothes etc .... it makes my child quite anxious too as she’s heard me say no, then dad says yes. Unfortunately there is no talking to the dad

[Muser314]

I think you just accept it. He does things his way in his house. You do things your way in your house. You are the master of your house.

If you feel your rules are being eroded, maybe relax some of them a little so that it's easier to stick to them.

[ZolaGrey]

Films you don't think are age appropriate or films that aren't age appropriate?

Same with tech etc. Is it a genuine difference of opinion or is he deliberately undermining you? If it's a difference of opinion can either of you justify it?

Have you explained to your child why you say no or is it just 'because I said so'?

[Mywifeandkids1]

@Muser314 I do try, and try to think it my child is ok with it then let it go, but some things should be a mutual agreement that aren’t. Clothes for a teenager will never be acceptable for an infant school child in my house. Films aged 15 + would never be appropriate and I would certainly never allow my infant school child access to the internet, unrestricted.

[Muser314]

Ah. :-/

Give up on any expectation of mutual agreement. You cannot force anybody to agree with you. You cannot make him do the right thing. You cannot make him be reasonable.

An unreasonable x does not become more reasonable after you've left him (or split up or whatever). This I know for sure.

You honestly just have to accept that you are now in complete control of your own house and your own life and you make your rules and you decide on your boundaries and your style of parenting. That is what is in your power.

There is so much advice out there about ''co-parenting'' and it's useless to 95% of couples.

I had to leave my x because he was so intransigent and so controlling and so abusive and so disrespectful to me. Co-parenting was not on the cards. He was not going to become a different person and suddenly compromise and meet me in the middle.

Most women (on mumsnet anyway) don't leave because their partner if he is really respectful and reasonable generally , but there is just this other issue, unrelated to respect and reason that caused them to have to split up. It happens, but it's rare.

The whole notion of amicable co-parenting is another high standard for single mothers to try to live up to and feel bad about not accomplishing. The fathers aren't feeling failures for not co-parenting. They're blaming their exes for everything.

I bet your x feels no inclination or no pressure to meet you in the middle!

Just forget about his house and his parenting style. Honestly, my x is a nightmare, the most disrespectful and controlling partner you could imagine but I cannot try to control how he parents. It's rare enough mind you.

Have faith in how YOU do things.

[Mywifeandkids1]

@Muser314 thank you that does make so much sense. We have very similar circumstances. But your right he does not even give the smallest shit about making an effort to co parent amicably ☹️ It makes me sad though as my daughter actually said it makes me feel sorry for you when you say no and daddy says yes 🙄. I will try to let it go and just make sure my daughter is so strong in herself SHE can feel comfortable saying no if she’s not ok with something and try not to let it eat me up. Sad though