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Unplanned third with small age gap, really not sure whether to continue

(7 Posts)
munchymoo Mon 24-Aug-20 20:34:11

We recently found out I’m pregnant with an unplanned third DC, already have a 4.5 year old DS1 and 10 month old DS2. We’re totally shocked.

If we go ahead with this pregnancy DS2 will be just 18 months when the baby arrives. I’m dreading it. We have little support although my DH is amazing but he works long hours.

My biggest concern is how thinly spread I’ll be. I can’t imagine it. We have a 3.9 year gap in between the 2 boys because I wanted to be able to spend quality individual time with each one. Our family has a lovely dynamic.

Now I’m just so scared of not being able to give each child what they need, I’m worried that my younger one is still a baby and he will just be pushed out by the new baby and won’t get anywhere near enough time, and I’m worried my eldest won’t get a look in at all as I struggle to meet the demands of 2 little ones.

Everyone says it’ll be great as the little one will have a playmate and they’ll have each other but all I can think of is they won’t have enough parental time and it’s killing me.

I think if my youngest was a year or two older it would be more manageable in my head but he’s so tiny.

Just feeling so shit. Really not sure whether I can go ahead with this pregnancy but terrified of the grief and poss regret of termination. Please help :-(

OP’s posts: |
Halo1234 Mon 24-Aug-20 20:49:57

It might be hard for the first bit. But the baby stage doesn't last long. And they would be good company for each other. It wasn't planned and your shocked and scared which is understandable but somethings are just ment to be. Lots of children have 2 siblings your other two with thrive....even with the small age gap. Learning patience and sharing and how to be independent wont do anyone any harm. When new baby arrives you will all find a new normal and it will all work out I am sure. Good luck whatever undecide. Follow your gut.

MaddeningtheUnhelpful Mon 24-Aug-20 20:56:25

I had a 16 month gap between DS and DD (babies 1 and 2) DS2 came along when DS1 was 5 and DD was 4. I personally found the smaller age gap MUCH easier. My DS hadn't yet mastered jealousy so just cracked on with his new sister without too much issue. The 5 and 4 year gap was tricky... My DD had a strop and took a while to come round because she wanted a sister and DS1 viewed having a baby in the house rubbish and boring and awful. They adore eachothet now 6 years down the line but the two older ones found it hard at first. I'd have had them all within 3 years if I'd have known grin

Duckchick Mon 24-Aug-20 22:26:13

I have a 21 month gap between my older 2 and then 2 years 9 months between DC2 and DC3. The first 6 months was very hard when DC2 was born, much harder than when DC3 was born. After that however, having the two close together has actually been easier. They are close enough in age you can often meet both their needs at the same time - the same kinds of places are right for both, their ability to play with toys is close enough you can find toys that work for both, you can find stories to read to them or activities for them to do that work for both etc. They are also close enough in age they have become proper playmates from a very young age (probably when DC2 was 18 months) so a lot less adult entertaining is needed. While there was sibling jealously, it's generally in the form of wanting what the other has rather than wanting my undivided attention - so lots of having both kids on your lap.

The bigger gap was definitely easier initially, but now I'm trying to do 2 different things simultaneously - so e.g. supervise a toddler toddling and an almost 4 year old zooming about on a bike - and it feels like a lot more of a juggling act.

With your oldest, don't forget that the younger ones would have midday naps for a while which you could use to give the older one attention, and also once the younger ones have gone to bed in the evening.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Jointheteam Mon 24-Aug-20 22:30:56

Your age gaps are exactly what my parents had. I am the middle child. Honestly it’s great I’m very close to both my siblings. Our house was chaotic fun growing up.

Gin4thewin Tue 25-Aug-20 08:25:49

I have ds who is 6 and dd who is 9months. I ovulated early this month and of course, the condom broke, DH has form for being a one hit wonder so weve had the conversation, just in case we to have an unplanned pregnancy.

2 close in age is honestly my idea of hell. Like you, we had the big gap so we had the time to enjoy ds, plus were restricted by childcare for a 2nd, let alone a 3rd.

We bought a small 3 bed just after dd was born, if we have a 3rd, id have to stay part time and would mean that wed not be able to get a bigger house/mortgage, were cramped in here as it is.

Ds wouldn't get a look in, i feel like i already spend all day saying 'not now, well do it later' etc to him.

Plus, could i cope with it? Im from a big family, there was never enough time, space, money or attention for any of us, and i dont want that for my kids.

The bit id struggle with is yes, it IS just a ball of cells at very early gestation but we all know what it would be if we carried on, and thats the bit i personally struggle with.

Aftwr dd, I asked dh to consider waiting a few years to get the snip in case we changed our minds, but unless our home situation changes drastically, short of winning the lottery or finding a suitcase of cash, i dont think it will, and a phonecall to the GP is needed.

Good luck no matter what you decide, you do whats best for you
Xx

ZooKeeper19 Tue 25-Aug-20 21:35:55

@munchymoo I have a 10mo and am 7 weeks pregnant. Total accident that you could not make up. New job that I started when 7 months pregnant with first (can you see the convo saying - yeah btw I'll be off in a few months, again).

On top we live in one room flat. One. Room.

So I absolutely totally sympathise. I was also undecided, and my DH was not keen to say the least. I cried a lot. I was very undecided myself.

In the end I said to myself that there is no bottom to my love for my DC1 so the DC2 will only expand that well of love I already have. Work will have to manage, there are worse things to deal with than angry boss. It will be hard, but then it is hard even now, so what.

Bottom line is - you need to make a decision that you will be happy with in a week, month, year. There is no wrong answer because no matter what you decide, it will be the best option. Hope this helps smile

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