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Breast feeding, single mum, custody.... help!!!

(17 Posts)
november90 Mon 24-Aug-20 15:31:15

My ex husband walked out on me at 24 weeks pregnant. He showed no interest In My pregnancy, refused to be there at the birth, never until this day has asked to spend any time with him and despite initially agreeing to contribute, he didn't give me any money towards the pram crib etc etc. He has our eldest 2 nights a week. He doesn't give me the correct CM payment and says if I ask for anymore he'll take me to court and get the kids taken off me.
The youngest is 14 weeks. As stated above, he's never asked to spend time with him. We initially discussed him taking him for a couple of hours between his breast feeds but it never happened. He's know saying he wants him when our eldest is in nursery. I have a few issues and concerns...... He has suggested to have him when Ds1 is in nursery so he never spends any time with them together. He's also suggesting this on one of my days which I don't like. I feel he should spend time with them together so it's better for Ds1. I'm going to suggest he picks him up for 1.5 hours at a time and extend this time when he's weaned and over the next year. I know he'll kick off about this but he BF every 2 hours. He has said before that I'm selfish to BF. I've done a lot of research into the bonding and nutritional Benifits of Bf and I'm just not happy to loose this because 3.5 months later he's decided he wants to be involved.
Not even sure if this makes sense.
Anyone have any words of advice/experience?
He's a compulsive emotional and finical abuser and has made me life absolute hell.

OP’s posts: |
crazychemist Mon 24-Aug-20 22:30:43

I’ve never been in this position, but bumping as I know others have. When there have been similar threads in the past, fathers have not been given the right to take a child who is still breastfeeding.

worriedmama1980 Tue 25-Aug-20 07:43:13

I think you need a solicitors advise, I think what you're suggesting, taking him for small chunks of time, is entirely reasonable. I'd maybe make sure some of those offers are made in writing. I think it makes sense for him to be able to take his older child for longer but you're facilitating that too, so basically I don't think you're being at all unreasonable but you could benefit from advice, especially as he's so manipulative.

nephrofox Tue 25-Aug-20 07:46:00

My main advice is don't stop breastfeeding! No court will give him what he wants while you are.

WaltzingBetty Tue 25-Aug-20 07:48:17

This man is using your children to control you

Don't stop breastfeeding. Let him go to court to arrange contact (I doubt he'll bother). Set up CMS and arrange maintenance.

Get legal advice

TeddyIsaHe Tue 25-Aug-20 07:48:29

I had this issue with DD’s father, who didn’t realise (or thought I was making it up to be difficult) that I couldn’t physically express more milk, because I wasn’t a milking cow!

He’s just threatening to go to court to look like a big man. Ignore that. Even if he does, they are not going to take your children away from you. The most he will get is every other weekend and an evening or 2 during the week.

So, set up a claim today with CMS. Don’t be scared of him and not get the correct money.

Let him know the dates and times he can have your son, and if he doesn’t show up/agree then keep a diary with all this info in. You are not stopping him seeing his children, he is just incapable of putting what’s best for his children before himself. Judges will have seen this hundreds of times before.

IncludeWomenInTheSequel Tue 25-Aug-20 07:50:19

Call his bluff and take him to court! He'd be forced to pay his way and agree to an arrangement. Don't let him bully you. Sounds like an absolute arse <understatement>

PinkDaffodil2 Tue 25-Aug-20 08:02:53

Other posters will have more relevant experience but as you’ve managed to breastfeed so far please don’t stop now because of him - the benefits continue for ages and it can be so convenient.
Also I doubt he would actually take you to court or have grounds to demand more contact - especially with a tiny breastfed baby, so check what he ought to be paying on the CMS calculator and claim via them if there’s any hint of him missing you around.

november90 Tue 25-Aug-20 08:23:04

Thank you so much for the support everyone! I only have a small circle of people to chat to about this so each comment in here really does help me so much!
So they said milk is the main source of nutrition for 1 year and food is to compliment the milk feeds. I think ex is expecting to be able to take him fully at 6 months (he's made a few comments). This will not be happening. Does anyone know how long I can breast feed for. I wanted to do it for as long as possible esp with COVID sad

OP’s posts: |
TeddyIsaHe Tue 25-Aug-20 08:31:36

You can breastfeed for as long as you and your ds want! Dd was almost 3 when I stopped.

InDubiousBattle Tue 25-Aug-20 08:32:34

You can breastfeed as long as you and your child want to. My friend breastfeeds her four year old, but at that age it couldn't be used as a reason not to see a other parent. I think short spells in between feeds up to 6 months then gradually building up to longer visits over time sounds reasonable, but it's not totally clear in your post exactly what you want wrt access? He sounds like an arse, take him to court.

november90 Tue 25-Aug-20 08:38:21

Before he was born we agreed he could take him between feeds a couple times a week... we then discussed this again when lockdown eased but he never asked to take him once! He has no bond with him and I know he'll blame BF for that and not the fact that he's 3.5 months old and he's out no effort into their relationship. Sometimes he'll drop ds1 off and not acknowledge him. He NEVER picks him up! I'd still be ok with 1.5 hours a couple times a week but I don't want him to be taking him overnight whilst I'm still bf him during the night!

OP’s posts: |
ZooKeeper19 Tue 25-Aug-20 21:27:25

@november90 what the others have said. Keep breastfeeding. You can BF as long as you want really (my 10mo is still BF about 4-5x a day/night). Until they are 1yo and somehow reasonably vaccinated, your milk protects the baby from many things he could catch. So it's vital for his wellbeing. End of.

Him not paying CM reflects badly on him so even if he goes to court, your case is strong. He left you while pregnant, showed zero interest, never helped with the baby physically or emotionally, refused to pay CM as he should and now wants to emotionally abuse you by taking your baby away. No. Just no. Stand your ground, you will win this.

november90 Tue 25-Aug-20 21:39:16

You are SO right! Why can't I see it like this and do I always doubt myself?!! Thank you so much everyone ❤️

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Nobeautysleep Tue 25-Aug-20 23:11:43

I am sure that the world health organisation recommends breastfeeding until children are 2.
I hope things become less stressful for you, it sounds like it’s been awful.

Holyrivolli Tue 25-Aug-20 23:17:18

You’re doing amazingly. Breastfeeding is absolutely the best thing for your dc and your ex needs to work round dc and you. Tbh if unlimited access was his priority then he would have stayed with you.

Later on you can arrange longer stints which suit dc and your ex.

november90 Wed 26-Aug-20 11:27:04

So he's just come round and told me he still doesn't know what his working hours are going to be which I just simply cannot believe. I've just had a massive breakdown to myself. I feel so controlled and like I have no life at all. I can't plan anything or prepare myself. I'm just in this constant whirlwind of not knowing what is going on. Urgh. Sorry to be so negative.

My eldest was also a nightmare this morning and told me he wants to leave home. He's 3. I don't know where he's even getting this language from.

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