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Advice please! My mum and sister are manipulating my son into loving with them(16 Posts)
This is a very long story but I am absolutely desperate for some advice so please bare with me. Its a very unique and truly unbelievable story.
A bit of back ground. I have 2 older children 1 which is 18 and 1 who is 13. I married their dad but soon things got violent soon after my youngest was born. I had called the police numerous times for him drinking and threatening behaviour and he eventually was arrested and found guilty of battery which included him not being allowed to see the kids for a few months and on a 1 year domestic violence course. My mum and sister have never been very nice to me not sure why. At the time my mum and sister used to think i was manipulating him so thats why he was arrested, they even say to this day that he was never arrested and I made the whole thing up? (Wtf!). Since then they used to tell my other children not to believe what I told them and used to speak to their dad behind my back so then the 3 of them were all telling my children horrible things about me, mostly subtle things to make them not trust me. Ironic really as their dad barely wanted to be in their lives but yet my mum and sister think he's great.
Fast forward to 7 years ago when I met my now partner. From day 1 my mum and sister didn't like him and they would exaggerate stories and tell my children to call the police on him and me if we told them off for doing anything their dad did also. We decided that we'd move to be closer to my partners family 2 hours drive away and hopefully I could start to regain the love and trust from my children, boy was I wrong! My mum then rang social services and they turned up at my door when I was 7 months pregnant with a police officer wanting to arrest me. After ss spoke to my boys they left and case was dropped. It was the most stressful time in my life and absolutely dreadful. I didnt speak to my mum for nearly a year afterwards until she apologised and we agreed to start again. Well since then (3 children with my partner later) she has been back to her old tricks phoning social services and telling my older children to call childline if I tell them off and so forth. This time social services did a quick visit but weren't concerned so case closed.
My older son went to live with my mum back in September as thro the years she had managed to turn his opinion on me so I had no choice but to let him go altho it killed every bone in my body. Since March I haven't spoken to my mum or sister as on my last day at work before mat leave my mum fabricated stories about my son to the police and had him arrested but refused to tell me details and when i asked she would ignore my texts and calls. This was the 3rd time she had done it, so I thought enough was enough and cut ties and now me or my children haven't seen my.mum or sister since. I still see and talk to my eldest son.
My real problem and what i need help with is I found out today that my mum and sister have been messaging my 13 year old telling him to ring childline because I wouldn't let him meet his friend today due to me picking my son up from his friends house stinking of drugs a month before lockdown. They have been telling him to lie to me and pretend he's seeing his dad and they will collect him and he can stay with them until he can live there. There are messages on his Instagram telling him to delete every message they send and my mum said she will ring his school and tell ss so he can come and live with them and build a case. My 13 year old son has also been lying to them saying things like we go out for day without him and never invite him places which is simply not true, I invite him everywhere even if its just to the shop but he always says no. I had to beg him to come to the zoo a couple of weeks ago but he's been telling them the opposite? He said he did it cos he wants to see them. My sister calls me by name to him instead of mum and says she'll try and get me to give up parental responsibility. My son has not seen his dad since January but my sister and son came up with a message saying he was very upset and in danger in my care and they need to get him out so asked his dad to pretend to pick my son up but take him to my sister and mothers house instead. I only found out as his dad would never have my son for more than a couple of nights so i asked to read the messages. I am absolutely shocked and gutted. Number 1 I am so unbelievably devasted that my son has been lying and why? Number 2 have they really succeeded in making him hate and distrust me? I don't get why? Why my family would do this? I'm at a loss to what to do. Do I just give up and let him live with them cos the pain of ss and risk of loosing my other children to lies is just too much to bare? or do I keep fighting and praying that he'll see things for what they are and start to realise that I love him? Is the damage already done and is this what years of manipulation looks like? Can 2 people really turn my own son on me?
Thank you if you got this far. I know its a very ridiculous story. My heart is truly broken.
Why can they contact your 13 year old? He’s too young to have Instagram and clearly cannot have unsupervised access to a phone.
Change his phone number so they cannot contact him. Block them on social media. Make sure you have his phone every night to check messages / keep it with you.
I would block their numbers on his phone and remind him what happened to his brother in terms of being arrested. Also that he would have to move away from his friends. Is there a reason why he can't have his friend over to your house? Sounds as if his friend might need support if he lives in a difficult situation. Have a discussion about drugs with him so he might understand a little more. Try also to build up other local friends so he won't want to go.
This is harassment. I would contact the police
Thank you for your comments. My son wasn't meant to have instagram we agreed that he was to shut his account down but he restarted it without my knowledge. He accesses it through his TV which now I have turned the WiFi off. I tried to shut down his account myself on his TV but it kept freezing. I also contacted the police yesterday because of the messages my family have sent but I'm just wondering whether they can actually do anything as my son seems to fuel their concerns.
I tried to have a conversation with him yesterday about what he said and why he lied and he just says he wants to see his family and im stopping him.
In regards to my son and his friends he doesnt have many just that boy and a couple of others. He changed schools 2 weeks before lockdown as we bought our first house and thought it would be great for him to be able to walk to school and have friends on the estate to go out with so hasnt had a chance to make any new friends. He doesn't have a phone anymore because i don't trust him not to contact my family. He blames this for him not meeting up with friends. Im just so torn with trying to be a good parent amd not allowing my family to manipulate him but I want him to see his friends.
Your mum and sister are giving your son lots of attention so as well blocking them and checking out your son's phone every night, you and your partner need to give him individual attention. This means approximately alternately every 2 weeks one of you needs take him out on his own somewhere for a couple of hours to an afternoon without his younger 3 siblings. It has to be something just for him. It helps if he likes sport as for example your partner and him can go somewhere alone and watch a football game together.
Also if we get out of all these restrictions and there is a boxing club locally take him there until he's happy to go on his own. It isn't for him to be a boxer or to fight in the ring it is for the discipline they teach during training that can be used in everyday life. If he goes regularly he won't be as interested in drug taking and drinking.
Your kids won't be taken away from you as there is no evidence you have done anything. So you unfortunately let your mum and sister continue with their nasty reports while you make sure no one in your household has any contact with them. SS will start ignoring them, while the police will eventually get fed up of them and threaten to charge them with wasting their time.
The boxing sounds like a positive step forward, I'll look into that thank you.
We did use to have a cinema date every month but my son use to be so behave badly by banging the chairs and speaking to the staff and me badly that I was so embarrassed I said not again but maybe its time to start again from scratch? I'm willing to try anything
would be good to hear the other side of the story quite frankly.
Unfortunately I can only give you my side. I'm looking for support, advice and kindness. Your comment was none of those things. If you don't want to offer any advice then please don't comment I'm already extremely sad.
Your family sounds utterly toxic. Do you just have the one sister? Does she have any children of her own?
Genuinely I think you need to call ss yourself and ask for their advice and help. Explain what’s happened over the years and that you’re worried about the impact of all of this on your son. It sounds like he already has some behavioural issues if you can’t even take him to the cinema, which I’d be concerned about. I second what a pp said about getting into boxing, but I’d caution that you can’t impose something like that on a young teen, ask him what he’d like to try, rock climbing is incredibly good for building self esteem, and positive relationships if there’s a club near by, or a martial art? Does he have any interests you could monopolise on?
Has your oldest son seen the light yet after you mother called the police on him? Could he have a word and explain how manipulative they are? What on Earth is she playing at calling the police on him for 3 times anyway after spending so much energy luring him away from you?
Yes only the 1 sister no she has no partner and no children. I also have a brother bit he suffers with depression so doesn't get involved and my relationship with him is completely separate, we still speak.
Yes maybe I do need to speak with them. I did mention our family history when my mum called them and they were very nice but didn't know how to help. I contacted my sons school to try and get some counselling sessions (he was being bullied another reason why we changed his school) as he transitioned to his new school and did ask about rock climbing and an art club as he's great at drawing but he's so worried that he'd be made fun of and thinks he's too skinny to do it, he just lacks so much confidence. I will definitely try and get him to look into it again as it may have helped being in lockdown and he may be desperate to start something.
As for my older son he has aspergers and sees things very back and white. He knows how my family are but he's living at my mums basically rent free and he has a girlfriend for the 1st time so he sees it as thats an OK deal and will just deal with her calling the police, its mad. My mum just wants control it seems in regards to calling the police and wants me involved with the drama. Its funny because since I haven't spoken to her in March she hasn't called the police on my son since
Climbing is a really supportive sport and skinny is good as you don't want any extra bodyweight. Would you or your partner take him a few times first?
Absolutely! maybe i should just book a session for fun and he may change his mind once we got there? Im going to have a Google for the nearest place. Its got to be worth a try
Jesus, obviously just cut them all out of your life. 13 year olds shouldn't have unsupervised access to a phone.
Great, If he gets into he’ll love it, my younger cousin has a diagnosis of asbergers and adores climbing. I used to climb in my twenties and it’s so easy to loose hours in deep concentration doing it, I loved everything about it.
Totally agree in terms of unsupervised access he'll never have that again.
Yes would be great if he does climbing or anything! Unfortunately all the centres near us aren't taking any new members at the moment or aren't open but I'll keep checking their websites.
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