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Am i wrong? Advice please.(16 Posts)
Hi , just a advice thing here. I have a mum that constantly patronises me. I have 2 children both boys. She had my youngest since been a baby a couple times over night built a massive bond with him. BUT my second one she didn't because he was a poorly baby and she never acted the same with him always put my first over him. My youngest got very poorly which caused me to have bad anxiety and depression so I wouldn't let them out my site. My mum then slandered me about it was excuses etc. Always saying she wouldn't cope with my youngest ( he's literally good as gold) he has his fare share of been a 1 year old tantrums but she had 3 kids? Which she never looked after properly 🙄 , always favouritsed us and she does that with the grandchildren now. She makes my eldest the favourite and I don't agree with it. I finally booked up the courage to let her have my youngest and her outcome was negative ( if he cries he's coming home) course he's going to cry he has no bond with you you haven't made time for him! , long story short I said to her if your going to mistreat my son and push him out you have nothing to do with them. Her answer was " ok that's fine can I still speak to the eldest?" I said you won't speak to any now you have confirmed you feel no way about my youngest if you can still speak to my eldest. She was furious called me every name under the sun said i needed mental help etc. I don't think I'm in the wrong but she has a way of making me feel like a horrid parent. She wasn't the best either! I've stopped her having contact as I won't let her do that to my son so she continues to throw abuse when seeing me tells all her friends her side of the story and they look at me like a bad person. I can't do with the toxicness no more.
It is perfectly ok to prevent that kind of toxic favouritism and if that means going no contact then you are right.
Just another viewpoint here, could she be reluctant to take them both at the same time? Its a lot to take on. Or does she only take 1 at a time?
Favoritism is awful, we have it in our family. Its so blatantly obvious to everyone outside the main family unit but inside, they are blind to it.
Do you rely on her for childcare? If yes start saving for an alternative, if no, just stop the visits.
Have reasonable excuses ready and explain to the kids in an age appropriate way.
An in-between option could be video calls to get the relationship kick started in a more positive way. Then visits to the park just the thee of you (other kid could be at a friends) to help foster the relationship further.
Thank you so much , she says my eldest will hate me when older but regardless one of them will hate me either way my eldest for stopping contact or my youngest for seeing his elder brother have fun and love and him wondering why he's not wanted and why he can't have fun and why he doesn't have a bond like eldest , so either way one will hate me.
@SnowdropFox hey! , no there's no relying I do it all myself I don't ask for help from anyone. I know it can be a handful my kids are 3&2 I told her she didn't have to have them together as I know myself it's hard. She video calls and only asks for the eldest then buys the eldest everything and comes back with nothing else for my other. It's like she's trying to do everything she should of done with me it's like she wants to be my child's mum constantly asks " does he look like me everyone says he looks like me" or " don't be Jelous he likes it more at mine" things like that. So draining I feel not worthy enough
She also has 2 other grandchildren but my eldest is the favourite which causes problems between my brother and I, I really hate it myself and he hates me for it that his kids don't get same treatment when one of mine don't either.
Tbh you sound like your mum is a handful, has she alway brought you down? Even before kids?
Maybe its time to distance yourself a bit and concentrate on your family. Mental health struggles are hard enough without someone who should be one of the most supportive in the world bringing you down and causing more issues.
She honestly sounds lacking in empathy. If she can't reason that buying one grandchild gifts and not another. She lacks insight into other people's feelings and u should distance distance diastane. Both your kids deserve better. Your eldest son will have love and empathy for his brother and won't enjoy seeing this either (when he is older maybe not at 3).
@Halo1234 i agree completely , I hate feeling like a bad mum the things she says gets to me as I try my best I have horrible depression but I try my very best to bring my kids up with routine structure and mostly LOVE everything I didn't have in only 23 and I do try my hardest.
@SnowdropFox yes unfortunately she isn't a supportive person and has always been like this , I try loose weight she makes jokes if I eat a biscuit on a diet which then gets me down and I start eating again. When I don't speak to her I feel great it sounds so bad but I do I have no argument on a weekly basis or anything. I'm currently doing my driving lessons and booked my theory I'm excited and haven't told anyone!
You can't help who the favourite is, so don't beat yourself up about it. You also cant make your mum change. What you can do is manage your actions and reactions to what she does.
Be kind to yourself!
Your mum sounds awful and it’s sounds like you’ve done the right thing by limiting contact. If she wants contact she can act like a decent human being.
@SnowdropFox I've completely blocked her and her husband as they both get at me because she cries and tells her side never mine. My mental health can't take it much longer
@AIMD honestly the amount of chances I have gave her and she has never changed the last straw for me was When I said for her to not have anything to do with my kids now her reply was " ok can I still speak to eldest then" last straw now the words cane out it was real now that she didn't want my youngest no-one will ever make my kids feel unwanted.
Can I suggest you post about your relationship with them on the "Stately homes" thread here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3902065-But-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes-May-2020-onwards-thread
I think you would find the advice from those people who have issues with parents really useful. Blocking them is a great step though.
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