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To have another child or not(18 Posts)
Currently loosely TTC DC2
DS is nearly 2
I love DS and really enjoy being a family of 3.
The thought of being a 4 petrifies me but DS loves younger children and I know a sibling would bring him so much joy.
I was an only child and I definitely feel like I missed out on the sibling fun.
But I do worry that I won't be able to give DC2 the same undivided love and attention or that one of them will miss out
DS was taken to at least 1 baby class every day, co slept, never left my side and was generally showered in attention. I know that this cannot continue and DC2 won't get the same just because of time and energy
Are you happy you went from 1 child to 2?
Is there anything you wish you had been told before having another?
I have no experience of 2 children and am sticking at 1, but what I would say is don’t have another baby for your existing child - have one because it’s what YOU want. It’s a bit shit for a new baby to have been created to meet the perceived needs of its older sibling. They may not even get on. I have an older sister (2 year age gap) and we haven’t ever really got on, even as children.
If you don’t want another child, then don’t have one.
I felt like that when I found out I was pregnant with my second. I now have three .
Posted too soon. Yes the attention they get is ‘different’, but it’s not less. They all adore each other (so far), and their lives are enriched by having each other in it.
But I agree with the PP... only have another baby if you want one.
I love having two but definitely do not have a baby "for" dc1.
Sorry, should've made it clear.
The second child is definitely wanted by me and isn't just to please DS1, but I just really don't see how another child would slot in
I'm worried it won't get the same attention etc
Although usually I think people say this but don't really mean it. What they mean is "I can't really explain why I want another but I do" or "I can't admit to myself that I want another".
They just do slot in, usually.
Well it definitely won't, there are only 24 hours in a day. Is that bad though? Too much attention isn't necessarily a good thing.
When they are little, having 2 is much harder than having just 1. But as they get older having 2 can be easier as they entertain each other, so for most people, yes it is hard when they are both little but you just get through it. If you have any spare money invest in cleaner/extra help/nursery for the older child and get as much help from family as you can.
I don't regret having 2 but I did find the jump really hard. I was a great mum to 1, but with 2 I'm just good enough. I think it's because I need a lot of alone time (and regular sleep!) to function as a nice person, and I can't get that now. Also, DS1 has ASD and just startes to become a particularly challenging toddler/preschooler as DS2 was born, so going to groups etc was very stressful and DS2 missed out on a lot. I wouldn't have felt "complete" with just one though. Before having any I wanted at leasr 3, now I realise I'm at my limit.
I doted in DC1, she was and is my world. Same as you, co slept, lots of classes and interaction and generally just showered with love and attention! I had DC2 and yes, he went to less classes but more because I was more confident in stimulating him, his sister amuses him and he attended classes with her. DC2 also lived in his sling for 12 weeks, co slept and I hope I shower both my children with love and attention... Both of whom co sleep as and when they need... Am now pregnant with DC3 and yes, I worry about splitting myself but you just do and they love each other too, it’s not just a one way thing if that makes any sense.
I remember speaking to my mum about this when we were planning DC2. She said she always worried that she would never love me the same (I am the 2nd child) as she didn’t think it was possible to fit any more love in. Once i was born she said it just fell naturally into place. (As adults my mum and I actually get on a lot better than my mum and sister do).
She was right, DD just fell into place , I couldn’t imagine life without her and can’t remember what life was like before her.
Thank you everyone. I've been very reassured.
I think I need to stop focusing on trying to make sure DC2 gets the same upbringing, and focus more on the fact that it will be different, but that doesn't mean it's bad.
I won't be able to go to as many classes, but DS1 will help to provide interaction.
I think it's also a really good idea as a PP said to make sure DS1 goes to nursery, even if only for 1-2 days to make sure I get some 1-2-1 time with DC2
You get a new well of love with each child - it doesn’t get shared between them!
Yes they might get a bit less of your time but they get time (& love) from their sibling too.
I have three & I coslept, BF & slung all of them.
Yes you're right you won't be able to give DC2 as much attention as DC1. But it's absolutely fine because DC2 has DC1's attention too! It honestly just works out.
I thought this with my second and third but they just do fit in.
With every child right up until the day they were born I wondered how it would work and how I would cope but once they're born it's like they've always been here.
I only have 2, but I thought similar when pregnant the 2nd time. And it is true, baby 2 has not has the undivided attention and baby classes that the first one has.
But they have had the constant presence of another child in their older sibling, which is a whole different relationship to grow.
So I'd say its not better or worse necessarily, but different
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