This is a Premium feature
To use this feature subscribe to Mumsnet Premium - get first access to new features see fewer ads, and support Mumsnet.Start using Mumsnet Premium
Am i resenting my partner for going back to work?(15 Posts)
I don’t really know how I’m feeling, or if I’m being a turd for feeling this way..
My DP went back to work after paternity leave this week and god I’ve hated him. Every little thing has infuriated me to the point of thinking could I do all this alone.. is it hormones?!
Example: DP works shifts, so after a day shift came home and said hi to us.. small chit chat. I said can you hold/cuddle/entertain the baby whilst I have a shower. I was literally ten minutes and when I came back there was a dummy in DCs mouth and he was in his nuna leaf chair thing just swaying on his own. He couldn’t even bear to calm/sooth him for 10 minutes before shoving a dummy in. I was livid, after spending most of the day calling/soothing without the need to resort to that. It feels like my efforts are wasted. That was his only interaction really all day/night.
Aside from this, next morning before an evening shift he goes to the gym so then that whole day and night was also just me caring for DC. I just don’t want it to be like this.
I suppose I’m venting too, lonely old business this new parenting during lock down malarkey.
What did I expect it to be like, I’m not really sure but certainly not this.
I said I needed a break whilst in tears this morning before he left and he’s come home with lots of thoughtful gifts.. but.. no break which is what I desperately need.
Tell him it’s a break you need firmly again and that going to the gym is a luxury so if he could instead take the baby at that time. But equally learn that his lazy way of parenting might also be best for you when you are really scraping for energy and adopt it sometimes (but clearly not all the time). Was he hands on during paternity leave?
You can put your baby down if you need a break, you don't need to be constantly holding him, especially as it's going to be you that's doing most of the childcare as your husband is back in work.
I know this is an unpopular opinion but I needed to make sure my babies got used to not constantly being held and were content whilst awake lying in their Moses basket/ swing etc just in case i did need 5 minutes to myself.
It is hard, you have to tell him how you're feeling though, tell him you're exhausted and need a break. Don't quietly seethe as it won't help you. Leave the baby with him and go for a bath/ nap, don't ask him.
Theres nothing wrong with a dummy and putting baby down, babies don't need to be held 24/7.
The going to the gym is also fine, as long as you are also getting some down time.
Why did you rush your shower?
OP I hear you. My husband went back to work a while ago (baby now 18 weeks) and im so jealous. I hate that my day revolves around naps, feeding, playing etc and he gets to go to work and live his old life.
It's such early days OP - you and DP are finding your way as parents. You need to tell him (again) that you need a break not presents.
Could he do bath time every night for example?
I know exactly where you're coming from. I personally didn't want to leave my child to cry it out and keen to make sure her needs were met but it can be exhausting! While my husband was great during paternity leave, when he went back to work he struggled to handle work and looking after the baby (he would be home for an hour and already said he needed a break from her!) I do think a huge amount of it is hormones but try and get him on board - can't the gym wait until your little one is in bed? Or could he do the gym in the morning before work? Congratulations on your baby!
He might not really how intense it is to have a little one so dependent on you when you are in the house alone. Spell it out to him.
I am also guilty of this but when you do get a break don't rush. I always used to feel his huge self inflicted pressure when I was away from baby that I had to rush back in case DH needed help. Turns out he'll be perfectly fine and you should take as long as you need!
If your baby is still young, try and put them down for naps rather than holding them (although baby cuddles are sooooo good!) so you can have a complete break. My youngest is one now so goes upstairs but we always had a moses basket or travel cot downstairs for naps.
Give yourself a break and put your baby down in the bouncer with a dummy if that works! You don't need to hold the baby all the time. I would say it's best that your baby learns how to self settle. So if baby is content in a bouncer chair then put baby in bouncer and have a nice cup of tea!
why did you rush your shower?
I don’t know.. I’ve just got this urge or maybe obsession to be with DC or at least have my eyes on him at all times, if he’s not being literally watched by me/DP/Nans/Grandads I feel anxious.
He does have naps and I go downstairs/another room but I’ve got the monitor with me at all times.
Thanks for all your kind words, I’ve managed to build up a big of a stock of expressed milk now so I could pop out and do something for me on DPs day off.
I suppose I feel that if I’m (Or DP) not entertaining him/with him for every waking moment he’ll be missing out on some interaction and therefore his development will be affected.
Dummys are Great but I had mine until I was 6/7 years old so want to try avoiding that if poss.
can you throw away the dummy or lock it away, so you have that battle now rather than saving it up for future?
you need to commit to something where your DH has no choice but to step in, and hold firm on the boundaries.
go out, take an hour -long phone call, go in the shower and lock the door, do not respond to chat during your "time out" (which should be equivalent to his free time - he chooses the gym, just keep repeating "this is MY gym time" for whatever you're doing.. be it gardening, reading a book, going out for your own hobby, or something.) state it clearly before you start your time out.. "unless the house is burning down, i am not available for the next 60 minutes. so i'll next speak to you at 8pm." (or whatever)
be 100% clear and precise about what you expect - some down time! like him!
You do not need to entertain babies 24/7,you will end up with a toddler/child who is incapable of entertaining themself.
And with a dummy, you decide to remove it when you are ready. If it gives you baby comfort so i don't see an issue. We got rid off dd's dummy at 2yo when she could understand dummy fairy, took 3 days of tears
For goodness sake, you don't need to be holding, soothing shushing baby all day, you really are making a rod for your own back.
They have to learn how to settle at some point and it's good to put them down with or without a dummy while you get on with other things.
I was far too busy to do that with mine, I worked full time as a nurse (single parent) from when je was 6 weeks and when I got home I had lots of jobs to do.
If he hadn't been content to settle himself and be happy in a chair my life would have been unbearable.
If he was happy in the chair with a dummy then what's the problem?
I didn't stunt my sons emotional growth by doing this, he has a degree and is a professional artist.
As long as a child gets stimulation regularly from a parent they don't need holding all the time.
I used to put him in his cot and just go for a shower, it was fine.
It’s tough having a little one. Communication is the key but when your tired and stressed it’s so difficult to manage it. Your little one won’t a dummy to 6 because you won’t allow it.
I don’t mean to add to your stress but the advice is all sleep, including day time naps need to be in the same room as an adult until 6 months old.
Honestly, with my first baby I was so anti dummy for ages. More fool me! When I finally caved and gave him one I realised how much easier the early weeks could have been for me. I agree it must be frustrating that your partner has gone to the gym when you're stuck at home all the time... I'd hate that too. He can definitely give you a break. But I wouldn't worry about popping the baby in his nuna leaf with a dummy if the baby was upset. Just do whatever works and if the baby is soothed by that, great!! You definitely don't have to be holding the baby all day long. I do share your opinion of having eyes on the baby as much as possible though - or at least someone's eyes. I don't think that's an obsession, just common sense. I have a 3 week old and I rarely leave him in another room- if I do it's only for a moment while I go and get a drink etc or quickly pop to the loo. If I want to shower and nobody's home to keep an eye on the baby, I take him upstairs with me and put him in his moses basket on the landing with the bathroom door open, or even in his bouncer in the bathroom with me.
Please login first.