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Help! Boyfriend (Who Doesn't Want Kids) Suggested Parenting Compromise. Is it crazy....???

(113 Posts)
BexWimbledon Wed 29-Jul-20 14:56:37

So my boyfriend of a year and a bit has said he doesn't want kids (he said he did when we first met but has since changed his mind as is now content with the situation as is). He already has a daughter and although he loves her, he doesn't find spending time with her interesting. He misses her when she's not there but finds time with her mentally exhausting. I want kids in the next year, he doesn't. BUT he has said that he will still have them if he can be a bit more distant with the parenting. He has said he will take care of the house side of things (cooking, cleaning, laundry etc) but i would take more of the childcare side. He would do some nappies and warm bottles etc or any task that was quick but he finds playing for ages boring and said would want lots of his own space. Has said family day trips ok but then would need space after.

I am 39 this year and so considering my options. We get along great and this is the best relationship I've had but I've always dreamed of a 'team' for a family so wondering if this option could possibly work or if I need to end things and hope i can find someone in the next couple of years to have a child who wants to be more hands-on and interested.

Any advice of experiences or thoughts would be gratefully received!!

OP’s posts: |
Bitchinkitchen Wed 29-Jul-20 14:58:46

This is stupid, he's a dick.

RiaOverTheRainbow Wed 29-Jul-20 15:00:07

You want to deliberately give your children an emotionally absent father?

GingerAndTheBiscuits Wed 29-Jul-20 15:02:14

No. Just no.

TerracottaTortoise Wed 29-Jul-20 15:03:09

Surely you wouldn't want this for your child? Are you really considering it? Just no.

GingerAndTheBiscuits Wed 29-Jul-20 15:03:11

“Mentally exhausting”. Poor lamb.

Gazelda Wed 29-Jul-20 15:03:35

May seem like a solution, but not healthy for the child.

FortyFiedWine Wed 29-Jul-20 15:03:59

My advice would be, if you want a child, consider doing it on your own. Don't have a child with this man. What sort of relationship will your child have with him, if he doesn't want to interact?

More generally, use your gut to distinguish between when a person tells you the truth, and when they tell you what you want to hear. In this case: early on in a relationship with a late-30s woman who want kids, he says he wants kids...he knew you wanted to hear that. Now you're more committed, he's telling you the truth. He doesn't want them, but he doesn't want to lose you either. Don't sell yourself short by agreeing to his idea of a compromise.

AuntyPasta Wed 29-Jul-20 15:04:33

You’d be better off using a donor. It would be easier to explain that to a child than this.

SummerHouse Wed 29-Jul-20 15:04:47

Every time you need him to step up, he will have this excuse. It will infuriate you. It's just a get out of jail free card. He also wants to pass go, collect £200 and own three hotels on Mayfair.

No.

MrsTerryPratchett Wed 29-Jul-20 15:05:20

RiaOverTheRainbow

You want to deliberately give your children an emotionally absent father?

I'm not sure you're ready for a child if you think doing something this damaging to them is a good idea.

They could become a people-pleasing, anxious, unhappy person who seeks out abusive relationships.

But he'll do the dishes so that's all OK.

Readytogogogo Wed 29-Jul-20 15:05:41

Absolutely not. However you feel now, you will end up resenting him enormously. Parenting can be extremely tedious and boring ( has it's great moments too of course), but what he is suggesting is incredibly selfish and totally unreasonable.

soundsystem Wed 29-Jul-20 15:05:43

No.

Remembering that children are actual humans with feelings... what is he going to say to them if they want to play? Doesn't sound great for the child!

Spied Wed 29-Jul-20 15:06:05

Just. No.

Fredfrench62 Wed 29-Jul-20 15:07:02

This is a terrible idea. You sound lovely and you still have lots of options if you choose to leave him.

Kittykat93 Wed 29-Jul-20 15:07:54

Can't believe you're even considering.. How ridiculous

Flynn999 Wed 29-Jul-20 15:08:06

You would be crazy to agree to this. Whilst you may be happy with that, what about the child that’s brought into this? Their dad never wanting to play with them, not interested in how their day was, on the off chance he agrees to go on a day out dad then just wants to sit on the sofa for the rest of the day/week whilst you run around doing all the daily chores.

You will come to resent him if you agreed to this. Surely his daughter is aware her dad doesn’t give a shit and that’s the saddest thing about this. It’s not the most enjoyable task playing the same repetitive games over and over but their is so much more to parenting then that.

What if something happened to you and he had to be the sole parent? Would he show an interest in the child then?

I can understand you wanting a child, but this clown isn’t the way forward.

DishRanAwayWithTheSpoon Wed 29-Jul-20 15:08:10

No. He sounds like a right wanker.

Finds time with his daughter mentally exhausting? Doesnt find it interesting? Tough shit really. Parenting isnt optional depending on how enjoyable you are finding your child that day.

Sparkletastic Wed 29-Jul-20 15:08:22

Nope. Relationship is doomed. Cut your losses.

GetTheSprinkles Wed 29-Jul-20 15:08:52

I would run not walk away (unless you would be okay not having children , which personally I wouldn't).

Dollywilde Wed 29-Jul-20 15:10:25

You’ll resent him, and that’s before you even consider how monumentally fucked up your poor kids would be.

Letsallscreamatthesistene Wed 29-Jul-20 15:10:45

Is this real?!

DeborahAnnabelToo Wed 29-Jul-20 15:11:54

God, absolutely not! Madness!

Mybobowler Wed 29-Jul-20 15:11:55

This isn't just about how much you'd be taking on (and god, think of the bitterness you'd inevitably be left with), but also about knowingly giving your children a disinterested, absent father. As the daughter of such a man, I can promise you that it's a terrible idea.

If you really want children, better off to have them alone through a sperm donor than with this guy. He sounds like an arsehole.

AnneLovesGilbert Wed 29-Jul-20 15:12:56

He’d have even less involvement with a child you had together, even though you’d still be together, than he has with his existing daughter?

And what if you get ill, or die, or want a night off, what if the child had complicated additional needs? Is he planning to pay anything towards it?

At 39 you don’t have time to hang around so cut your losses and get a sperm donor. At least if you go into parenting alone your expectations will be correct.

Are you secretly hoping he’ll feel different when the baby arrived, fall in love with it and get stuck in?

Want more for your child.

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