Really struggling

[Atticus500]

I’ve been diagnosed with PPD and have been on medication for the last 4 weeks (though only on the optimum dose for two) and I’m really struggling with my feelings. Woke up today with thoughts of suicide and had a panic attack in the bathroom. I then nursed 9 week old DD in floods of tears and told my husband that I just want to die because I feel so desperate and miserable. I could really do with hearing success stories of twofold nature - When does it get easier with a newborn? I feel trapped and can’t enjoy her at all (am considering switching to FF to help with this) and secondly, Are these feelings normal and when do they get better? I feel like I’m going completely mad and it’s so incredibly upsetting

[Commentutappelles]

I'm so sorry you are feeling like this. Well done for getting help though, took me ages to accept I had a problem.
Time wise - this is not a 'one size fits all' type of time scale so don't assume my experience will be the same for you. I felt brighter at about 14 weeks (was getting more sleep, had stopped breastfeeding and dd was gaining weight well) and by 6 months I felt better still. At about 9 months, I finally started to feel like a mum and felt that I loved my baby. It got better generally from then on. It is utterly shit and I really feel for you going through this, it was the most awful time, but she doesnt remember any of it and we have a brilliant relationship

[Mizydoscape]

You might not feel it now but you are doing so well.

I can't claim to have felt the same as you but I did have a long period where I felt I had ruined my life/had enough/couldn't cope anymore. You've begun the journey of getting better (getting a diagnosis) and you can come out the other side.

Things do slowly get easier. But don't expect a sudden change. My little girl is 1 next week and I can't believe how far I've come. People will say 9 weeks is still so tiny but when you're stuck in those feelings it feels like forever.

If going to FF would help then do it. I BF for the first month and then couldn't hack the relentlessness of it. I switched to FF and it did take a weight off as it wasn't just me responsible for all feeds all day and all night.

Do what works for you, take any help you can get and take each day at a time. You will come out the other side. It will happen xxx

[Footlooseandfancy]

OP - you need to get some more support, absolutely no one will judge you, you are doing a great job with your daughter but I've seen your posts and it looks like you're getting to a real crisis point.

Things will get better but we can't say exactly when or how they will for you. There's no shame in switching to FF - leave your DH with the baby and go and get some rest but I urge to to speak to GP and HV asap to get more support.

[rumandbiscuits]

It isn't normal to feel like this. This is exactly how I felt after I had my LG in 2018. You need to speak to your doctor and your family and friends (those that you trust). I convinced myself for months that it was normal after having a baby to feel the way I did but it wasn't and I should have got help a lot sooner. I ended up going on antidepressants when she was 4 months old (I'm off them now) and from then on things started to get easier. Good luck. I'm always a private message away if you want to talk.

[rumandbiscuits]

Sorry, I've just read the first part of your post again (got distracted by my two year old) you've done the biggest and hardest step and that's getting help. You won't feel better over night but I promise you things will get easier, you have to keep talking and if you feel after a few months the medication isn't working then I would ask your GP to switch you to a different one. Sorry again for not reading the first part of your post properly.

[Ihaveoflate]

Are you having some kind of talking therapy alongside ADs? I was in the same place as you a year ago - I could happily have gone to sleep and never woken up. What helped was daily check ins with my community psychiatric nurse (cpn) or psychiatrist. They were from the perinatal mental health service. Have you been referred? It's hard in a pandemic but I know they are still doing visits where necessary, and I'd say suicidal thoughts warranted a visit.

It was the hardest time in my life but I did survive and I am now better one year on. I FF and it was the right choice for me, even the HV admitted that BF would have been too much for my mental health. Lots of things worked for me which might not be appropriate for you (returning to work early for example), but you will get there with support.

There is a national PND helpline which might help if you need to talk. The GP should also have provided you with details of crisis support in your area.

PM me if you need any support, any time of day. The kindness of strangers also helped a lot.