shielding and pnd

[walnut87]

Hi,

I had my dd in January and she is completely lovely apart from the fact she doesn’t sleep very well. We bedshare so I can get as much sleep as possible but she’s just gone through leaps 4 and 5 and it’s been pretty atrocious. Hopefully we’re now coming out the other side but I am feeling wrecked by the experience.

I was diagnosed with pnd quite early on and had a whole action plan that was working, getting out and about etc. Sleep is the main trigger. Then lockdown happened and I have a health issue which means I have to shield; so my partner is working from home, we are all shielding as it’s kind of impossible not to with a tiny baby! I went onto meds but came off them after a couple of months as I just felt so fuzzy. I had CBT but found it hard to get motivated to think about it all, and it was a bit weird doing to whole the meds were numbing my anxiety anyway.

We have had to try carry on doing renovations to the house (essential) without any help, and some other stresses mean he has been really struggling. He is now really worried about his job. At same time, my pnd has kicked up a gear and I honestly feel like I’m falling apart at the seams. I have tried talking to him and he keeps saying “it’s not a competition” about who is worse off etc. He has agreed to help me have more of a daily routine to myself (an hour in morning, and at night) as up to now I’ve had to ask if I’ve needed anything. We are not great communicators and I desperately want to be but I think he is just unable to process everything atm. He is really missing our friends, and never leaves the house because he has additional things on that take up basically all of his time. I have done my best to help him with his other tasks, neglected chances to nap so I can help him, juggled minding the baby and helping him at same time, and to give him as much sleep as possible (to my own detriment).

I am not really sure what to do as he has now said he wished we never had her. He doesn’t believe he is depressed. I am going to my mums for a break often but the lack of privacy makes it very hard for me to cope, and I think although she is lovely it winds her up having me there all the time.

I don’t really know what to do. Shielding is horrible, I am genuinely scared to re-enter the normal world as other people don’t really seem to be social distancing as much. But it is putting a huge strain on both of us, its like we’re living two separate lives despite being under the same roof. I’m basically parenting 24/7, trying to find a way to sort out how messed up my physical and mental health are after the birth, but I just can’t really talk to him about it because he’s so matter of a fact about it all. If I say I’m tired he doesn’t sympathise. He doesn’t ask how I’m coping. It’s not that he’s an arse, I think he just doesn’t have the capacity to be able to atm.

But saying that.. I don’t know how to cope without his help, emotional or practica? I am really resenting his distance from it all and how he’s not really acknowledging what I’m doing. All he ever says is “I am working full time and doing this and this” when I try talk tho. And now I feel guilty that he’s going to help me have some space.

Any tips? I need to do something or the pressure on all of us is going to mess everything up.

Sorry, a long one. X

[Lockdownseperation]

Your in such a difficult situation. Having a baby is such a shock to a relationship. PND is awful and shielding is tricky. DH is shielding and we have young children so we are all shielding. We’ve had ups and downs.

You need to think about what is happening and talk to your partner this is essential. Trying googling talking exercises, where you talk for 5 minutes to your partner and they listen and then summarise what you said and then visa versa. After that you can discuss the issues.

What is helping us is DH taking regular days off to help us get caught up with life admin - cleaning, sleep and whatever needs doing as well as having days just for the family. We also go out for a walk everyday. How are you feeling about the pausing of shielding?

[Lockdownseperation]

Not all antidepressants are the same. It maybe worth going back to the doctor about them.

[Topseyt]

Go back to your GP. You might need a different type of medication. There are some different ones.

I could be wrong, but I think that this type of situation is why shielding was actually made optional, because it could actually make some situations worse or even intolerable for some people. So weigh up carefully whether or not it is actually best for you.

Shielding is coming to an end for most people shortly anyway.

[walnut87]

@Lockdownseperation thank you so much, I’ll look up talking exercises. He is a tough cookie to get to open up. And I’m hyper sensitive it seems so it’s just a really conflicting set of traits.

We have been going for walks on weekends now, I’ve been doing daily ones as we live in the countryside and days with a baby are very long eek. I’m scared about end of shielding; I panic whenever MIL comes around and doesn’t social distance from us properly, can’t imagine what I’d be like going out and about and not being able to get people to stay away! It’s like I’m on high alert. How about you, are you and your DH going to ease out of shielding?

[walnut87]

@Topseyt thank you, I will phone my GP and have a chat with them. Maybe there is a magic pill that makes me happy without making me lose my mind and put on loads of weight!

[Lockdownseperation]

The reduction of lock down stresses me out. This week I’ve taken my daughter (4 yrs and 1 yrs yesterday) to parks early before they get busy. I’ve been into one shop and we’ve had a few people at a distance in our garden. DH can work from home indefinitely and I’m a SAHM. DD1 starts school in September and the thought of her being in a class of 30 others with no social distancing is worrying.

[Lockdownseperation]

I won’t be going to the supermarket, hairdressers or indoor attractions.

[walnut87]

You’ve been doing exactly the same thing as us then. I’m a teacher so the fear of going back to work is pretty real - now using my savings to avoid going back til December to try stay safer. Pretty desperate for a haircut now, or even just to roam around a shop, but so nervous about it, like that feeling of going abroad where you don’t know the language?! The pressure of it all is exhausting In itself, it’s just such a strange situation. A personal question (feel free not to answer)... you all have to shield because of your DHs health, do you resent him for it? I’m so scared my partner is resenting me for us all being stuck here.

[Wherethereshope]

It sounds like you're a bit tangled up in it all.. start building your days slowly, but a routine really will help, even things like things to play with LO. How old is your little one? There's all sorts you can be doing safely if you're in the countryside. You don't need shops, restaurants. Have you found any online baby groups?

You need some support for your pnd whether that's talking therapies or meds, make the step to ask for an appointment. Things will stay the same until you make that brave step. You're partner sounds in a tricky place, you sound like you're starting to think how things can get better.. this is good.. you need the ideas before you can do anything about them. One small change a day will build up to big changes in a few weeks. DH can then hopefully then take your lead when you tell him what he needs to do.

Happy to add more about activity ideas or structure if you would find that useful.