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MIL thinks she knows best

(31 Posts)
FriedEggOnToast Fri 10-Jul-20 15:58:49

I just wanted to let off some steam and moan about my MIL!!! I feel like she thinks she knows whats best for my son and not me, whether its what he is wearing, to what he eats and how much, to when and where we should go out to play, to what time he goes to bed etc!! It sometimes has me even doubting myself!! I mean, I know she does mean well, but she is always sticking her oar in and undermining me!! Yesterday, I was feeding my 16 month old son some cherries which I cut up small (the MIL watching every moment like a hawk).... then all of a sudden, the MIL tries to put in my son's mouth a whole (pitted) cherry!!! My motherly instinct was to ashamedly slap her hand away (who knows where the cherry went) and say "What? A WHOLE cherry?" to which she replied quite authoritatively "YES"!!! I am always worried that I haven't cut up his food small enough and am worried he will choke! Luckily the situation finished there, and I continued to feed my son the cherries to sizes as I saw fit!! Does anyone else have a domineering MIL who belittles you? Was I wrong to slap her hand away? (I do actually feel bad about that!) Do you feed your 16 month olds whole (pitted) cherries?

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PrayingandHoping Fri 10-Jul-20 16:02:05

You did EXACTLY the right thing Op your MiL is a dangerous idiot who knows nothing and can't be trusted!!

And I say this as someone who had to perform emergency first aid on a 2 yr old who was eating whole cherries and stopped breathing. She went limp and changed colour. The mother started screaming and thankfully having just done a first aid course that week I knew what to do and thankfully it worked. But it was terrifying to all of us and will stay with me forever.

Never listen to that woman!!

Crazycatlady83 Fri 10-Jul-20 16:03:29

Who in their right mind would feed a 16 month old whole cherries?!? You did exactly the right thing! Definitely don’t leave her alone with your son, she sounds barking!

I’m all for listening to advice, but when it’s constant, it feels like a personal attack!

But my views may be coloured by the fact I have a equally domineering MIL and our relationship has completely and utterly broken down, only seen her once since Christmas and it’s absolute bliss!!

Aquamarine1029 Fri 10-Jul-20 16:03:42

A 16 month old should not have a whole cherry, but why is your MIL around all the time?

Lockdownseperation Fri 10-Jul-20 16:04:20

You definitely did the right thing. How much time are you spending with MIL? It sounds like too much.

Letsallscreamatthesistene Fri 10-Jul-20 17:46:41

The same rule applies for cherries as it does for grapes, surely? They're sort of the same shape(ish).

FriedEggOnToast Mon 13-Jul-20 06:50:54

@PrayingandHoping OMG, absolutely terrifying situation (and my worse fear). Thank god you were there to help.

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Soubriquet Mon 13-Jul-20 06:58:45

Yanbu

It only takes one

My Nan was hmm when she saw I was still chopping grapes up for my 5 year old (at the time)

She knows now not to comment after various past instances but I could see she was barely biting her tongue.

lemorella Mon 13-Jul-20 07:01:13

She's being too overbearing. You have my sympathy. Whilst I think most of the time with overbearing MIL's that it's not meant from a bad place, they should not be pushing unsolicited advice on anyone.

You need to ask your husband to have a word and tell her to back off and wind her neck in and a stark warning about food safety, that would make me nervous about leaving your dc alone with her.

Several times I've had to ask my MIL to back off (as had DH) she really upset me by making derogatory comments about breastfeeding (including commenting the reason my newborn was not sleeping through was due to me not formula feeding).

Your child your rules - do not let her make you doubt yourself.

ParadiseLaundry Mon 13-Jul-20 07:22:03

Don't feel bad about slapping her hand, it was pure instinct. I bet you didn't even know you were going to do it until it had already happened!

As for feeding whole cherries to a 16 month old.... completely bonkers and bloody dangerous. bet they're an even worse choking hazard than grapes.

FriedEggOnToast Mon 13-Jul-20 08:16:19

@Crazycatlady83 I don't think we are the only ones who have domineering MILs!!! How lucky you are you hardly see her now! Does she not see your child either now? We all live in the same close knit town, so I unfortunately bump into her most days!
And yes, I do too listen to advice, but not orders..... my son is being brought up bilingual (as was I) and only yesterday she was telling me to NOT speak to him in English (she has been "advising" me this since he was born!!!)

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FriedEggOnToast Mon 13-Jul-20 09:51:19

@Aquamarine1029 @Lockdownseperation
I try and avoid her whenever and however possible, but we all live in a close knit town and I see her most days!!! angry

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WhatKatyDidNxt Mon 13-Jul-20 09:58:54

No way would l give a child a whole cherry at that age. She’s being ridiculous and needs to butt out. As someone else said: your child = your rules. Yeah she might have opinions about stuff but there is no need for her to force them onto you. The not speaking English thing is rude and interfering. What does your husband / partner think of all this?

BakewellGin1 Mon 13-Jul-20 10:12:56

My DS is same age and everything is cut appropriately whether it's grapes, Strawberries, melon, Bananna...

Locally to us a 2 Yr old and 3 Yr old have died in past few years one from Grape one from a Raisin. It terrifies me.

notthemum Mon 13-Jul-20 10:18:31

Christ on a bike. You most certainly did the right thing. Don't feel bad about it at all.
Not much experience with Mils but loads with children.
Poster who asked about grapes, advice is usually not for under 5s but if you do give them then cut them up, reason for this is the skin on them can make them get stuck if not chewed properly.
Well done to the poster who saved the child.
Back to OP, sorry if I've missed a bit, did you say why MIL was around so much ?
You are doing fine and please don't let her ridiculous ideas get you down.
Keep repeating Thank you for your opinion but my child my rules.

notthemum Mon 13-Jul-20 10:20:04

Oh and rant about her as much as you like.

RandomMess Mon 13-Jul-20 11:16:51

How many languages does MIL speak, hopefully just the one and you state "there is a reason why I am bilingual and you are not" angry

FriedEggOnToast Mon 13-Jul-20 15:03:16

@Letsallscreamatthesistene For me, the same rule applies for all food!! I cut up everything small just in case!

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FriedEggOnToast Tue 14-Jul-20 07:15:41

@Soubriquet EXACTLY, it only one!
I have a friend who still halves grapes for her 8 year old!

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FriedEggOnToast Tue 14-Jul-20 07:58:05

@lemorella Thank you! Oh yes, I'm sure my MIL thinks she is being helpful.... but she is extremely insistant... surely it is up to me to choose which advice to follow or to not follow!!! My DH has had words with her several times, but it doesn't work.... she just has certain ideas which cannot be changed!! Does your MIL back off now?

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FriedEggOnToast Tue 14-Jul-20 12:07:43

@ParadiseLaundry Oh I definately had no intentions of slapping her hand away until I actually did it.... like you say, pure instinct!

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FriedEggOnToast Tue 14-Jul-20 12:47:21

@WhatKatyDidNxt Oh yes, she has her opinions alright!!! Everyone has opinions! What gets me is that I have to accept her opinions, but she won't accept mine confused
Feel sorry though for my DH as he must feel like piggy in middle... he has had words with her, but nothing changes!

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GrumpyHoonMain Tue 14-Jul-20 23:23:04

Depends on the size of the cherry but if it’s a large and pitted cherry I would probably give the one by holding it. However if your son is only used to eating small chunks of fruit then she shouldn’t have even tried.

kaxxz Tue 14-Jul-20 23:41:58

I'm currently pregnant and living with my MIL untill our house has finished being renovated. I feel my MIL has compared my pregnancy etc to hers and the clothes I've bought for the baby in comparison to how she used to dress her children. 🤦🏼‍♀️ I think they struggle to back off so it's important to be blunt if you need to so she gets the message

FriedEggOnToast Wed 15-Jul-20 09:24:33

@BakewellGin1 Thats absolutely awful, those poor poor parents.

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