How do you deal with it when your child is being left out in the playground? And is behaving badly as a result?

[elliott]

We have a little problem with ds1 (5, just gone into yr 1). He likes to play with a gang of yr 2 boys at breaktime. However recently the ringleader of this gang (who appears to set all the rules) has been telling him he can't play with them. Ds1 has been getting very angry and hitting this boy. WHen it first started (his mum tipped me off taht they were getting into fights), I had a chat with ds1, stressed that even though he was angry it was not ok to hit people, and talked through some alternative strategies - and he devised a plan, which was to keep away from the gang for a while and play with some other friends. Then he would try and approach them again and find out what he needed to do to be allowed to play. Well, seemed to be going ok but then he tried again to play with the gang, and to cut a long story short ended up in thumping match with ringleader.
Any ideas what I should do to help him cope with this situation and not become violent when he is angry? And how to help him be more successful in forming friendships and fitting in with a group?

Sorry this is so long....triggers all sorts of sensitivities in me so worried I am not going to deal with it in a helpful way.

[Susianna]

Bump for you x

Dreading this with Ds currently in R!

[elliott]

thanks for bump!
I can't be the only one with this problem surely?

[Kammy]

What about inviting the leader back for tea/play just one to one? Or inviting other children not in the gang to play to encourage your ds to play with a wider group of people?
My ds is in Year 1 and I have noticed that friendships can be quite intense, but transitory....last months best friend can be forgotton easily if ds discovers someone else. In a way it's nice to have a big fluid group of friends as there is less chance of feeling excluded from any one group, but I'm not sure how to help with this other that invite lots of different people over.

[PSCMUM]

invting them back to play, its the only way forward. make friends with the other mums and get everyone back to yours. its good to forge friendships on their behalf amd perfectly ok. I;ve done it with all of mine, as i just want to know they are ok. it leads to fursious networking when they start school though, as i can only pick them up one day a week, so in that one day, i do intesniev networking with other mums and arrange play dates, etc. go for it. be american. it will be fine.

[haychee]

Id say, that they or he are obviously not nice friends and he is better off without them if they treat him like that.
Youll probobly find its all changed around in a week or so anyway.
But id draw on the fact that he can learn from the negative way they treat him, and how he feels about that. And how he should never treat anybody like that, cos that will mean he will make them feel as rotton as he does now.
What about the friends he went off to play with instead? Does he drop them for the more favourable ones when it suits and he is accepted?

[zubb]

I would really encourage him to play more with friends in his own year group for now. Ds1 is in Yr1 and does sometimes play with Yr2 boys but they can be more aggressive and as you say they are the ones that set the rules.
If he plays with friends from his year it is more likely that he can decide what they play more often.
For playdates maybe try some in his year to see if it helps make better friends.

[elliott]

Thanks for the advice -I'm sure you're right, I need to invite a few more people round and try to encourage friendships in his year group. He does't really have close friendships, I think he likes this gang because they make up fun and interesting games. He does particularly get on with one boy (not the ringleader) whose parents we know so I will encourage that contact out of school, and also some from his year group. Don't really relish the playdate thing - PCSMUM, like you I only have one day a week to do playdates (usually friday which is often a bad day for such things).
I just feel sad for him, but I guess he'll find his way through....