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Unplanned third pregnancy and really confused

(23 Posts)
Confusedin2020 Tue 30-Jun-20 22:49:17

Hi all,
I am 6/7 weeks pregnant which came as a total shock as unplanned. We have two lovely girls already (4 and 2) and we were done with two and just starting to see light in the tunnel with them playing together nicely etc. I just can’t see myself with three children and I just can’t see how I would cope with three kids with both our jobs being fairly demanding (albeit I am on furlough atm). I know many say that going from
2 to 3 is easier than 1 to 2 but I’m less worried about the baby stage and more worried about later on (three lots of homework etc etc). I have had a consultation with Marie Stopes and the home abortion pills are now sitting in my kitchen but I am swinging drastically between wanting to terminate and keep things as they are now or possibly keeping it but that fills me with worry about how we would cope and ever find time for each other. All the logical reasons point towards not keeping the baby but obviously it is not that simple! Another major factor is that we don’t have any family/support really close by - my parents are the closest at c 1.5 hrs drive away but are not really that willing to look after the girls / help out as it is, let alone if another was thrown into the mix.
I guess I have a few questions to throw out there:
- has anyone had a termination in a similar situation and how did you feel after?
- are there any mums of three out there without any family nearby and working full time? How do you cope?
Thanks in advance and sorry for rambling - hope this makes some sense! confused

OP’s posts: |
Shanster Thu 02-Jul-20 03:16:08

Yes, I have 3 and work full time in a demanding role. No family close by (we live abroad), no nanny etc. My 3rd was also unplanned, but we adore him. It is a lot more to cope with, but I definitely learned to let go of the small stuff and not feel guilty about it. Do what’s right for you though.

lauryloo Thu 02-Jul-20 03:32:48

I had an unplanned 3rd baby 9 weeks ago

I really struggled with the pregnancy, and he is hard work. But the love I have for him is immense.

Lou2120 Thu 02-Jul-20 21:04:56

My 3rd is 4 months and she was unplanned. I really struggles throughout pregnancy and even these first few months mainly with the guilt of taking away attention and materialistic things from my first 2 however my first 2 adore my 3rd and I have such love for her I cannot imagine my world without her in it. I really did start again as my elder 2 were 10 and 5! I do think with your childrens ages you wont be starting over as such as your youngest is only 2. I mean life could've been easier as such but my daughter brings such joy to us all. I hope this helps

Exhaustedone Thu 02-Jul-20 21:21:46

I haven't been in your shoes, but I did have 2 abortions when I was at university. I am glad I had them, but I vowed never to have another abortion should I fall pregnant again. Emotionally, it left me a little volatile after the second one.

5 years after the second abortion, I became pregnant whilst on the pill for a second time. I was in utter disbelief. The first pregnancy had happened due to a torn condom and the second was on the mini pill. I was sure it wouldn't happen again.
But it did. I've since learned that my body appears to surpass the pill. I am extremely fertile.
I kept my baby and had to build a stable home from scratch. My partner stood by me. It was hard and crazy at times. I'd just started a new job and it all felt very surreal and rushed.

I'm so glad I kept her.

I'm not really sure what my advice is really... just wanted to share my experience.
But, one thing ia for sure, if you do keep the baby, you'll never look back and regret it.

SnowdropFox Thu 02-Jul-20 21:46:50

Gosh what a tough situation! What does your partner think, I dont think you mentioned them apart from their job?
I'm not sure if I'd have 3, my DP comes from 3 and it was hard. Holidays could be difficult getting the right size, the car, he shared a room with his brother for a long time which he didn't enjoy. I think the logistical and financial barriers would outweigh the benefits for me.
They could be the best thing that ever happened to your family though but if your gut says no, I think you should trust it.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion Thu 02-Jul-20 21:59:49

I'm in the same position op, accept my 2 boys are 6 and nearly 12. With my first pregnancies,even with the awful sickness, I felt very attached and protective over them as soon as I found out. With this pregnancy I don't. I'm having terrible sickness, and ds2 was a nightmare baby so I'm terrified of having that again because I ended up with pretty bad pnd.
I did always want 3, but I had talked myself round to sticking at 2 and I did such a good job, now all I can think of are the bad points.
I'm self employed, don't have much savings, dp is self employed so won't get anytime off. I'm very confused about it. I've never considered abortion before, bit this time I have, but I'm currently 10 weeks and don't think I could do it now.
I don't have any advice unfortunately, but you're not alone. I hope your decision becomes clearer soon.

Confusedin2020 Sat 04-Jul-20 21:53:26

Thanks all. It’s been a really tough week since I posted. We decided not to keep the baby so as to keep things as they are and be able to provide as much attention as possible to our two children while also being able to still make time for each other (although in hindsight despite 2/3 weeks thinking about it I was still wildly swinging between the two options and took the tablet only a few hours after I had been looking at booking an early scan to check viability and for multiples so taking it so I definitely should have waited longer to be sure I was sticking with the decision but equally wanted to end the indecision). Anyway I have regretted it intensely ever since and now really wish I hadn’t done and we were keeping it sad. I’m hoping that this is mostly hormones etc and in time I will come back around to thinking it was the best choice for our family but right now all I can think is that I wish I could turn back time and not take the tablet - all of a sudden the reasons for not keeping it don’t seem so important. At the moment it feels like this will haunt me forever and I’ve been a bit of a mess. I guess it is all still very raw so very early days.
Anyway thanks all for your posts @Iminaglasscaseofemotion good luck whatever your decision. It sounds like you are keeping it but I would say if you do consider terminating just make sure you are 100 per cent about your decision to avoid feeling like I do now.
@SnowdropFox my husband has been really supportive and was happy to support either way.

OP’s posts: |
tobee Sat 04-Jul-20 22:10:50

Op thanks

MrsM36 Sat 04-Jul-20 22:32:03

My 3rd (& unplanned) daughter is 21mths. Her older sisters are 14 & 11 so as you can imagine it was a real shock finding out I was pregnant again. After the initial panic my husband & I soon decided that although we had not planned to have a 3rd child we were happy. I'm not going to lie the first couple of months after our youngest was born were tough... partly because I had forgotten how hard having a new born was and partly because our middle daughter really struggled with the transition from youngest to middle child (she had been our youngest for 10yrs!). Once we all found our groove though things soon became better & we all agree that Annie is the piece who completed our family jigsaw... she utterly adores her older sisters & is equally adored by them. I feel blessed to have had the chance to have a little one again & wouldn't swap our beautifully bonkers family life (we also have 2 horses & a cat to throw into the mix) for anything. X

Eldersour Sat 04-Jul-20 22:36:37

You'll be ok OP.


NavyBerry Sat 04-Jul-20 22:53:53

Oh OP! flowersYou know that you can decide not to take the second pill and ask the doctor to prescribe you progesterone instead? If the baby sticks this first pill doesn't influence the pregnancy. It is not late if you are in doubt! I discussed it just recently with a friend doctor and he said it happens quite often that the women change their mind.

supafish Sat 04-Jul-20 23:06:05

I did exactly the same as you except my girls were 6 and 4 at the time . It was light at the end of the tunnel and I was certain at the time . Regretted it instantly but over the next few years it got easier . However an accidental pregnancy when my girls were 10 and 8 meant I couldn't do it again( abort I mean ) and I had a third baby . He's now 22 , I've never wished him away but it's been bloody hard , 3 kids then a divorce due to my husband finding 3 kids harder than me !! But he was a knob but that's another story xx

Confusedin2020 Sat 04-Jul-20 23:10:13

@NavyBerry thank you but it is too late for that as it was a few days ago now - I did find some stuff online about that on the day when I started to have doubts but wasn’t really sure how trustworthy the information was and how to go about it (ie who to go to for help) and also was aware there is a risk of birth defects following the first pill which I really didn’t want to inflict on our family ... then I started bleeding anyway so sort of felt it was taken out of my hands and was best to use the second pills sad.

OP’s posts: |
Confusedin2020 Sat 04-Jul-20 23:38:17

@supafish I’m sorry to hear you went through the same all those years ago but pleased to hear things got easier over time. It’s so awful isn’t it?

OP’s posts: |
supafish Sun 05-Jul-20 00:24:00

It is hun . My kids mean the world to me tho and the years go by so fast . X

Itsmemaggie Sun 05-Jul-20 00:38:22

@Confusedin2020 hugs to you, it’s a difficult situation and even when the decision seems like the clear sensible solution it doesn’t mean it’s not upsetting.

FWIW I have 3, it’s fucking hard and lockdown with a baby plus my older kids has nearly broken me and there have been many occasions when I have massively regretted having a 3rd child. So, it’s not a given that you wouldn’t have regretted not taking the pills.

I also had an abortion when I was 21 and it’s one of the few decisions I’ve made that I don’t regret as I made it for all the right reasons.

Itsmemaggie Sun 05-Jul-20 00:40:10

I would add I do love my 3rd and I’m not about to give him away but I just can’t deny that I’ve made my life a lot more difficult by having him.

RAINSh0wers Sun 05-Jul-20 02:49:50

I had a 4 year old and a 4 month old when I accidentally fell pregnant on the pill. After a lot of discussion I had an abortion. It wasn’t an easy decision by any means but I know it was right for us at the time. I’m two years down the line now and if I think about it too much I can get upset but for the sake of our family it was the right choice. I hope it gets a little easier for you OP.

SnowdropFox Sun 05-Jul-20 07:30:47

Sending you flowers op. You've made one of the toughest decisions a person can make. I hope time will heal. Really glad to hear you have a supportive dp, make sure you lean on him until you're in a better place about this.

Confusedin2020 Sun 05-Jul-20 08:50:39

Thanks all for your messages. I’m hoping time will heal. I am already much better than a few days ago when I was inconsolable and had an awful knot in my stomach constantly.

It sounds crazy but I think, as I spent the last three weeks weighing up the pros and cons of having three kids and thinking about how we would cope with future trips / events planned if we had the baby, now that’s been taken away all I can think about now is having three kids!! shock hopefully this too will wear off....

OP’s posts: |
lorisparkle Sun 05-Jul-20 09:22:38

What a difficult decision you have made but you have made it for all the right reasons. I have 3ds and whilst I did love the baby years the preteen and teenage years I am finding ever so tough. The logistics of 3 lots of homework and 3 lots of extra curricular is exhausting and I have my mum to help. I also sometimes feel guilty that I am so stretched. I have never been in your situation but I am sure those feelings of regret will become easier to manage.

Confusedin2020 Sun 05-Jul-20 14:25:49

@lorisparkle yes what you describe re having three preteens / teenagers and all homework etc And being over stretched was exactly one of my ‘logical’ reasons for not wanting to keep it. Hopefully once I’m through the worst of this the the logic will be more important again.
@rainshowers that must have been so tough to go through with the demands of a four month old. I hope you are doing ok now x

OP’s posts: |

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