Talk

Advanced search

DD’s name - please talk me down

(27 Posts)
justme563 Tue 30-Jun-20 21:55:48

My DD is four months old and I’m having a crisis over her name.

After a lot of deliberation and research, DH and I decided on a name when I was around 25 weeks pregnant and referred to my bump by that name for the rest of my pregnancy. We both liked it a lot and it just felt “right”.

I continued to really like the name after she was born, until some friends announced the birth of their DD two months ago.

As soon as I read what they’d called their DD I had a horrible sinking feeling because I loved the name so much. It also jogged my memory because I’d seen the name on a Mumsnet thread about baby names a while ago, but didn’t add it to our shortlist. I’m not sure why I didn’t but I’m kicking myself now!

Our friends got a lot of comments under their post from people saying how much they love the name, including from DH! Which is something that didn’t really happen when we announced our baby’s name.

All I can think of now is how I wish that we’d called our DD by that name, how much happier I’d be if I had done and how I’ve already let her down by not choosing her the best name possible. I felt even worse after reading an article on this subject, where the author was saying how enormously important it is naming a baby, how a name says so much about them and can have a huge bearing on their whole future.

I have struggled greatly with becoming a mother and have had what I think could be some postnatal depression if that is relevant. I’m also dreadfully indecisive by nature and terrible at handling any sort of change. When we got our puppy I was miserable for months because I felt we’d made a bad decision by getting a dog - but I love her to pieces now.

I absolutely don’t want to change DD’s name because we’ve told the world, and I would feel like a complete idiot. Plus there’s no way DH would agree to copying our friends’ name and it’s the only other name that I like.

DD’s name is a classic name that’s not over-used. Our friends’ DD is also a classic but it’s a lot more unusual.

How can I move on from this?

OP’s posts: |
Pileon Tue 30-Jun-20 22:01:26

I’m sure they are both beautiful names and you absolutely haven’t done your daughter any kind of disservice. That article sounds a bit shit-people used to choose names by opening a bible and jabbing at the page! There are many many things more important.

I totally get the ‘buyers remorse’ feeling though-I get it after every major (and minor) decision

NameChange30 Tue 30-Jun-20 22:01:36

I think you need to get some support for your PND, in many areas you can self-refer for CBT. Try that and/or talk to your GP.

Realistically you can't change your DD's name to the name that your friend has chosen for her newborn. So you need to let go. Accept that your decision is made and your DD's name is good enough. A name doesn't have to be perfect, just good enough.

flowers

Standrewsschool Tue 30-Jun-20 22:03:11

“Comparison is the thief of joy“.

Don’t let people’s reaction to your friends baby spoil the feelings you have for your own. You said how you loved the name, even after your daughter was born, and it ‘felt right’. Dwell on these feelings and appreciate that you have named your baby with her correct name.

Are you envious of the other name, or the attention it attracted? If the attraction, then be warned. Bringing up children is one life-long competition (at least to some people) - when they walk, talk, learn to write, become an olympic gymnast etc. My dc are a lot older , and I still see other children do really well at something and feel envious, even though people probably look at my dc and think they are successful.

Enjoy your baby for who she is, with her beautiful name.

justme563 Wed 01-Jul-20 08:00:47

Thanks for helping me to put this in perspective.

OP’s posts: |
Lockdownseperation Wed 01-Jul-20 08:53:44

In a loving way you need to ring your GP about the PND. It’s probably worse than you think x

user1493413286 Wed 01-Jul-20 09:10:20

I wonder if the name thing is more about general new mum anxiety than the actual name? I’m sorry if I’m wrong there but your post just made me wonder if anxiety and the difficult adjustment (which is completely normal by the way as I really struggled to adjust) is coming out in worrying about the name.
To reassure you about names I’m fairly sure that my family and friends weren’t that keen on the names we’ve given our children; we didn’t tell anyone our sons name until he was born because of a luke warm reaction to my DDs name when I was pregnant. However I don’t care; I love their names and I do believe babies grow into their names anyway.

sunlightflower Wed 01-Jul-20 09:23:19

After both of my children were born I went through a phase where I found myself really overthinking and ruminating about things that I thought I'd done "wrong", feeling like I'd let them down already etc. It wasn't about their names in either case, but I can easily see how it could have been.

It's interesting that you say your DD is 4 months because that's exactly when it hit for me, both times. It did pass with time (I'm just coming out of it now with DD2 and she's 5 months, it did take a little longer with DD1). Maybe something about the adrenaline of the newborn phase wearing off and having more (too much) time to think?

It can't hurt to talk to your GP/HV about PND but also give yourself a break, having a new baby is so, so hard. Exceptionally so at the moment.

I'm sure your DD's name is truly lovely and she is very lucky to have such a caring mum flowers

SmileyClare Wed 01-Jul-20 09:31:22

Your obsessing about this in an unhealthy way. I agree with pps, this is part of your PND. It can manifest in odd ways sometimes. There is help available. It's really common to have pnd symptoms and noting to be ashamed of. None of this is your fault.

As an aside, I have never judged a child or adult by their name, particularly a fairly well known classic name. Names aren't that important to be honest.
Congratulations on your new baby, enjoy her flowers

FlaskMaster Wed 01-Jul-20 09:32:01

We need to know the names please! Why don't you say both names but don't say which is which, and then we can give a neutral view as to whether one is objectively nicer than the other?

AvengingGerbil Wed 01-Jul-20 09:34:31

That sounds a terrific article. A name says nothing at all about what a person is like - how can it, newborns don’t have personalities. It might say something about the parents and their aspirations, but not the baby.

AvengingGerbil Wed 01-Jul-20 09:35:12

And that should have been terrible, not terrific!

doyounothavegoogle Wed 01-Jul-20 09:39:26

FlaskMaster

We need to know the names please! Why don't you say both names but don't say which is which, and then we can give a neutral view as to whether one is objectively nicer than the other?

No we don't need to know the bloody names.

OP sounds anxious enough without total strangers giving their opinions on the name that she and her DH chose for their child.

lazylinguist Wed 01-Jul-20 09:41:28

OP,nothing about your dd or the way you feel about her will be the tiniest bit affected by her having one perfectly nice name compared to another perfectly nice name. Her name will be a name you come to associate with her. That's what will make the name special, not the name itself. You will look back on this and wonder why it bothered you, honestly.

Milicentbystander72 Wed 01-Jul-20 09:46:24

That article is rubbish btw. A name does not 'make' a child or effect their whole future unless you call her PrincessFluffyWuffyknicjers or something.

You don't have to say, but what is your DD's name?

I have teens now. I'm an artist and when I names my children people out and out told me I was dull and their were surprised as they thought I'd choose something quirky. The thing is they're both named after grandparents.

I have a Harry. I wanted Harry (after my grandad) but we kept putting it aside as it was so popular. An author friend of mine said - "look, I'm a Mark. At school every other boy I knew was called Mark. It didn't stop me following a creative and unorthodox path. Go with what you want". It's true. We chose it and have not regretted it.

I believe you're anxiety is manifesting itself by you focussing on the name. Maybe it's a part of the feeling of wanting to be a 'perfect' parent and your child to be perfect. I remember feeling like this. I focussed on my birth story. I fixated on it and often broke down as it wasn't 'perfect'. Years on, honestly none of this matters.

I think you may need a small chat with your GP or HV. It's normal to feel irrational and fixated on things when your gripped with fear (fear of being a good parent) and anxiety (doing the right always).

Hope you feel more relaxed soon OP thanks

SuckingDownDarjeeling Thu 02-Jul-20 02:46:07

You haven't let your DD down. Think about it this way; you and DH chose her name after a whole heap of careful deliberation. You both loved the name and believed it was perfect for her. Right now your hormones are all over the place, but there is no way you should feel bad, because you picked her name from a place of love, nothing else. Even if you did have the option to change to the other name, that decision would come from a place of remorse, anxiety and doubt. It would never feel as 'pure' as the name you fell in love with before you even met her.

I really hope you are able to put this behind you and start loving your daughter's name again smile

WineAndHobnobs Thu 02-Jul-20 03:11:07

I had my DD's name picked out 18 years before I had her. I couldn't wait to use the name, we did MANY rounds of IVF to get her and I waited so long. So I gave her the name and within months I hated it! I still don't like it now. It grates on me. We consquently call her by a nickname.

OP, I think you should post the name you wish you'd used and we can all tell you why it's not a great name. Just to make you feel better grin.

Also, it's not too late to change it. Did you have any other names you liked?

EffYouSeeKaye Thu 02-Jul-20 03:33:53

This seems to be everything to do with PND/anxiety and nothing to do with your daughter’s name. Talk to your dh and your gp to get the support you will need to navigate your way through this. flowers

choli Thu 02-Jul-20 03:44:20

justme563

My DD is four months old and I’m having a crisis over her name.

After a lot of deliberation and research, DH and I decided on a name when I was around 25 weeks pregnant and referred to my bump by that name for the rest of my pregnancy. We both liked it a lot and it just felt “right”.

I continued to really like the name after she was born, until some friends announced the birth of their DD two months ago.

As soon as I read what they’d called their DD I had a horrible sinking feeling because I loved the name so much. It also jogged my memory because I’d seen the name on a Mumsnet thread about baby names a while ago, but didn’t add it to our shortlist. I’m not sure why I didn’t but I’m kicking myself now!

Our friends got a lot of comments under their post from people saying how much they love the name, including from DH! Which is something that didn’t really happen when we announced our baby’s name.

All I can think of now is how I wish that we’d called our DD by that name, how much happier I’d be if I had done and how I’ve already let her down by not choosing her the best name possible. I felt even worse after reading an article on this subject, where the author was saying how enormously important it is naming a baby, how a name says so much about them and can have a huge bearing on their whole future.

I have struggled greatly with becoming a mother and have had what I think could be some postnatal depression if that is relevant. I’m also dreadfully indecisive by nature and terrible at handling any sort of change. When we got our puppy I was miserable for months because I felt we’d made a bad decision by getting a dog - but I love her to pieces now.

I absolutely don’t want to change DD’s name because we’ve told the world, and I would feel like a complete idiot. Plus there’s no way DH would agree to copying our friends’ name and it’s the only other name that I like.

DD’s name is a classic name that’s not over-used. Our friends’ DD is also a classic but it’s a lot more unusual.

How can I move on from this?

Count the capital Is in your post.

bettybeans Thu 02-Jul-20 03:51:24

The name you gave your baby is perfect. Babies don't become their names, they define them. They're whole wee people and personalities of their own. The name stress thing is just another "oh god do I get everything wrong?" extension of PND or anxiety. You can help them build resilience and confidence. You can't fix that with a name.

justme563 Thu 02-Jul-20 05:16:40

I don’t want to post the names in case my friend is on MN and reads this thread!

@choli Huh?

OP’s posts: |
choli Thu 02-Jul-20 07:40:36

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

littlejalapeno Thu 02-Jul-20 07:52:54

@choli what a strange thing to say! Of course it is about her, she’s asking for help. Your response is mean and provocative.

OP I agree with the previous posters who are suggesting you might have a bit of PND manifesting as anxiety around the name of your daughter. It can manifest in this way and is in no way a reflection on you or your choice of name. I’m sure it’s a wonderful name and you are doing really well. Lockdown has been very hard, especially on top of being a new mum. Please be kind to yourself and see your HV or GP or even skip straight to seeing a post natal specialist if you have the health insurance to do so. It will get better but please treat yourself kindly and let your partner and family know so they can help you too flowers

Russell19 Thu 02-Jul-20 09:11:28

choli

*@justme563*
Your post is all I want I feel I wish I'm struggling...perhaps it is not all about you.

But it is all about the OP, she has the anxiety, PND and is worried. She's also had a baby in lockdown which i have to add OP would be hard for anyone! You are doing an amazing job and try to remember back to the days you used to call your bump the name and how happy and perfect it felt. Hold onto that. flowers

ComeBy Thu 02-Jul-20 09:20:34

“Oh that’s beautiful, I wish I had thought if that“ is one thing.

Questioning your very happiness and feeling you have let her down us another. Has every baby not named this name been let down?

Imagine a concert arena packed with people, thousands and thousands of names amongst them, all people doing well and being happy.

That article you read puts a lot of pressure on parents, doesn’t it?

PND is very common and very real. If this is chewing at your mind OP, can you speak to your GP or HV?

flowers

Join the discussion

Registering is free, quick, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Get started »