Baby hates the carseat - argument with mum

[Letsallscreamatthesistene]

Morning everyone

Im after some advice and perspectives as im not sure if im being all precious first born

My 3 month old hates the car seat, will scream if hes in it for more than 20mins. My mum is coming to visit me soon, and wants me to take said 3 month old to visit an elderly relative who lives 2 hours away for the day (4 hour round trip). I know the baby would cry all the way there, and all the way back. Ive said im not happy to do it, but my mum keeps saying things like 'children need to learn to travel, or you wont go anywhere', 'he'll be fine', and 'you did it as a child'.

I know the baby needs to get used to the car seat, but im not sure a 4 hour round trip and letting him cry is the way to do it. Am I being unreasonable?

[midnightstar66]

Dd2 was similar and it didn't stop me going anywhere but it's your choice not your mums and it depends how much you actually want to see this relative. If you aren't too bothered/aren't that close it's probably not worth the stress.

[Letsallscreamatthesistene]

So did you just let DD2 cry it out in the back of the car? How did you solve it?

[Soubriquet]

He would stop crying eventually, either through exhaustion and falling asleep, or with realising no one was going to get him out of the seat.

Realistically, he does need to get used to the car seat, otherwise it limits you to where you can go.

[Letsallscreamatthesistene]

Surely this is the same as the cry it out sleep method?

[Soontobe60]

I'd time the journey to their usual nap time, so that they are hopefully sleepy. And yes, I'd let them cry it out. Sit your dm in the back so your child can see her.

[picklemewalnuts]

I don't know, I'm not sure I would. Do you have it in the house, to build up his familiarity with it?

Isn't there guidance that says they should come out for ten minutes every 45 mins? It wasn't around in my day, but has been for quite a while. Positional asphyxia, I think.

[Hamsterriffic]

Having sat with 2 screaming babies in the back of the car for 40 minutes while stuck in traffic I’d sat you’d need to REALLY want to see your relative! Plus it’s your choice, not up to your DM.

[Sunnydayshereatlast]

Try find some sort of music that baby will settle to!! Ds loved Status Quo in the car!!
He is 5 now and still does! You may have to experiment to find one that suits!! Lullabies /classical - maybe your dm would have a problem with Hard Rock!!
Your dm is right though you need it persevere or your life is pretty much over!!

[Soubriquet]

Yeah, technically it is, but do you really want to restrict yourself to a range of 20 mins driving?

[TheBabyAteMyBrain]

I may be a wuss but ds hated the car and we didn't force it. We used trains or didn't go. It wasn't worth the upset for us. He did grow out of it around 15 months.

[turnthebiglightoff]

We had the same so I attached the car seat to the pram (all in one travel system) and took DS out in that instead of the bassinet attachment. Within a couple of weeks he was much happier in the car seat. Your mum is right in a way; it is restrictive and could be got over. Your choice where you go and when though!!

[AwkwardAsAllGetout]

My dd was the same and honestly it was awful. The number of times I had to pull over and started to cry right along with her makes me shudder to remember. She has CMPA and I suspect she had reflux too, and the angle the seat held her at must have exacerbated it. We had a maxi Cosi pebble plus, and she’s 14 months now and we upgraded a few months ago to a SilverCross I motion rear facing seat and she’s so much happier sitting up a bit more. She’s always been very strong and if I’d thought about it I think we’d have bought a new car seat much sooner. I liked the convenience of being able to clip her car seat on our buggy but it really wasn’t worth the screaming. It’s worth seeing if you can get to a John Lewis or similar, we had excellent advice when buying our car seat and were really pleased with it. You might be able to get one that will last (ours will go from birth to about 4 iirc) obviously I can’t go back in time to see if a different car seat would have helped but I do suspect it would have. Driving til she fell asleep just wasn’t an option for m me h less the journey was genuinely essential as it was so distracting and upsetting. Unless you’ve had a baby like that you can’t understand imo. It definately contributed to my PND as I felt so isolated having such an unhappy baby.

[PintOfBovril]

Personally, I wouldn't. Our LO hated the car seat when he was small and would scream till he was retching and sweaty. When he got bigger around 6 months plus, he suddenly didn't mind it. Maybe it was more comfortable or something. Anyway I don't think if would try exposure therapy for a car seat, especially if it's a non essential trip. Could the relative meet you half way? Could you postpone till LO is a little older and may not mind the car seat so much?

[AwkwardAsAllGetout]

Just thought, we discovered at about 4 months old that listening to hairdryer sounds on my phone via YouTube put her right to sleep in the car. Worth a shot too x

[midnightstar66]

Pretty much yes, if there was no passenger I'd have her on the front seat to keep an eye and remove dummy if safe. If I had a passenger they might travel in back to replace dummy. She'd fall asleep eventually but I'd curse at temporary roadworks that unexpectedly made you stop. The second you were still the eyes would ping open and the crying start.

[PintOfBovril]

And yes to echo some PPs, it is restrictive but its not for long x

[IncrediblySadToo]

Nope, no way.

He's 3 months, he's Screaming for a reason. Just because you can't see why he's screaming, it doesn't mean he's not very uncomfortable, tummy ache, feeling sick etc

If you absolutely HAD to go somewhere I'd suggest going in a route you could stop frequently (before he screams) & taking him out for a few minutes cuddle & stretch. But not for this.

Introduce your mother to the concept of going by train If she doesn't drive. She can get a taxi to the relatives house

I would not put my 3 month old baby through 4 hours in a car seat, where he's uncomfortable/in pain to visit someone. If I wanted to take him to visit I'd go by train.

[UncleShady]

It's not just the effect on the baby, though is it. It's you driving being distracted by the noise. It's you and your mum being wound up by the noise, having a disagreement over whether you should stop or not, which turns into a general row about parenting, it's you finally finding somewhere to stop and holding your sweaty and teary baby, only to have to chuck him back in the damp car seat and carry on because you still have an hour to drive while the baby cries and you seethe.

It's shit, it's shit for you and it's shit for the baby and it makes your driving awful as well.

Or perhaps that was just me. DC4 hated the car for a few months and it wasn't just me and DH also hating it, it was DC1-3 also crying because DC4 was crying and no one could make it stop.

[Dollywilde]

I think the question is whether you see travel as an essential or not. If that was their reaction to baths then you’d have to grin and bear it as baths aren’t optional. For me, being able to travel by car is absolutely essential so I’d power through. It’s up to you if you think it’s worthwhile.

[Lostinbooksandcoffee]

Personally no, I wouldn't travel that far with a screaming baby. It's different leaving him cry for 10 minutes or so, but the potential of him crying for over an hour? Nope. My ILs live nearly 2hrs away and luckily we've never had a problem but if we were in your shoes, I wouldn't put them through that. Stand firm with your mum.

[midnightstar66]

*replace not remove

[ArfArfBarf]

You’re the parent. You get to decide. Personally I wouldn’t be able to cope with listening to a three month old cry for 4hrs in one day.
Also, my experience is that kids tend to grow out of this and you don’t need to “train” them out of it.

[Seeleyboo]

My oldest was like this and I learned from very early on to steer clear of stressful situations. This one used to stress him and me no end, so I ditched long journeys. Eventually he got used to the seat or matured. Either way, if you know it's going to cause stress, avoid it.

[Defaultuser]

I agree with Bovril, with babies that small a lot of things are a phase and I don't think it's worth upsetting the baby for a non-essential journey - different if it was a hospital appointment or something and you had no choice.

[THNG5]

My eldest was like that. Hated the baby seat. Around 15 weeks old, we bought a Joie 360 car seat. Absolute game changer for us. The seat is much higher up so baby could see out of the window. That and a baby rearview mirror so he could see us. We didn't even bother with a baby car seat when number 2 came along shortly after and went straight for another Joie 360.