Didn’t think through logistics of Breast feeding vs bottle

[JKDcot]

Hi

FTM here and with a 2.5 week old so it’s all very new to me

I decided to try and exclusively breast feed my son. So far it’s ok, but sore and we are both learning, but he is putting weight on so good result.

I always thought my husband and I would agree the care load. Loads of my male friends joke how little sleep they had with a newborn and how much they did.

But if I have to be awake to feed, why should my husband be up in the night? Ive just basically moved onto the spare room and I do the feed, nappy and settle back to bed. He is back at work now after paternity leave (WFH due to COVID) so he is around. But I just let him sleep 10/11pm - 7am without asking for his help.

Is this common? Do other people just assume mum does nights as we feed? I don’t resent him and he will take the baby when he can in the day so I can nap. Just feels funny he wakes up every morning refreshed and I’m shattered

Thanks

[JKDcot]

Reposted due to sleepy typos!

Hi

FTM here and with a 2.5 week old so it’s all very new to me

I decided to try and exclusively breast feed my son. So far it’s ok, bit sore and we are both learning, but he is putting weight on so good result.

I always thought my husband and I would share the care load. Loads of my male friends joke how little sleep they had with a newborn and how much they did during the night.

But if I have to be awake to feed, why should my husband be up in the night? Ive just basically moved onto the spare room and I do the feed, nappy and settle back to bed. He is back at work now after paternity leave (WFH due to COVID) so he is around. But I just let him sleep 10/11pm - 7am without asking for his help.

Is this common? Do other people just assume mum does nights as we feed? I don’t resent him and he will take the baby when he can in the day so I can nap. Just feels funny he wakes up every morning refreshed and I’m shattered

If I was bottle feeding I assume he would take on one of the night feeds to let me sleep?

Thanks

[eggofmantumbi]

My baby is 3 months (also have a 3 year old).
I do everything with this one because she's relatively quick to settle in the evening and my view is what's the point in both of us being tired. Husband is sleeping in the spare room and gets up with toddler and he's working.
Husband did more at night with first because she was more difficult to settle. I feed and changed and he settled usually, so that we both got some sleep.

I think if you're happy with the way it is and you know he'd be there if you needed him, you may as well let him sleep!
Reading other posts someone's though I am think I might be in the minority?

[SiaPR]

I would expect my DH to do more, yes. And do you have to change a nappy at night? Doesn’t it wake the baby? Why not cosleep to get more rest?

[Isthisoveryet]

Yes we did this too. There was absolutely no point in both of us being tired and if I was awake to feed then I might as well do the nappy (I was quicker too!). Instead he would take DC in the mornings or evenings and cooked all meals/did food shopping etc. It generally worked well for us apart from a few sleep regressions where I was tearing my hair out. Welldone with the bf and congratulations!

[LimpLettice]

I've always done all the night feeds because of breastfeeding yes, it's just easier, and I'm not at work. That said, DH used to take him for a minimum 3/4 hour stretch in the early evening and I'd go to bed, and would also take him after a feed if DS didn't want to go back to sleep. He's 19 months now and has been up since midnight because of the heat and I've just taken over.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

Don't do the nappy unless there's a poo/wet.

At 2.5 weeks it's all you but that changes. Eventually it's less at night, more in the evening and he should be doing a lots of the house stuff since you're awake a lot in the night.

And the weekends, he should be holding, walking, letting you sleep, doing some batch cooking maybe, that sort of thing.

[CrumpetyTea]

I did this.
I know some people have their DH go and fetch the baby and do everything bar the breast feed which can work - especially if b/f doesn't wake you up to much when getting up might - but didn't really work for us.
I think the problems come when you get resentful of always being tired - or if you can't catch up during the day /pass the baby to him because he's at work. Also it is really annoying when they start telling people that the baby sleeps through when the baby doesn't but just doesn't wake them!

Just do what works for you- but be prepared for it to change over time

[Anotherthink]

I did all the nights. Problem is this continued beyond breast feeding so while it's logical to do it on your own then do it. Once breastfeeding isnt the night time issue, let your dp do the lions share. We had so many sleep problems and when that was always me dealing with it THEN I became resentful.

[lifesnotaspectatorsport]

I ebf my three (singleton and now twins) but DH didn't want to not share a bed. So he naturally woke up sometimes and would help as needed. To be honest (and not to scare you) as newborns they're very sleepy and although they wake a lot it's easy to feed and resettle. Once they get older and especially through 4 month sleep regression, it can be very difficult and you'll be glad of the help. Some of the wakings won't be for milk and purely need to change or resettle. You'll be dog tired by then after weeks of broken sleep and it can be sooo draining getting up every 2 hours to a baby you know isn't hungry but just won't sleep. With the twins it was obviously even harder! I'd never have coped without DH to take his share. We usually split the night so I'd do all wake ups first half till about 2am (inc last feed) and he'd do early mornings because he's a morning person and I'm a night owl. I guess I'm just saying with babies it all changes from one week to the next so you may need to be flexible with your set-up too.

[ChaBishkoot]

Yes I did all the night feeds. My husband woke up at 6 am. He had a shower and made me breakfast. He did laundry and made me a sandwich for lunch. He then woke me up, I fed and he took the baby, changed him while I had a shower, drank tea and ate breakfast.
So before he left we were both changed and fed, laundry done, house cleaned. (He also emptied the dishwasher).
He also batch cooked on the weekends and I have had lie ins on weekends for years. He also helps to clean, cook and does all the gardening.
So yes I fed and he slept but he did a shit ton of other stuff to balance it out.

[Lincs90]

My baby is 3 weeks and I'm writing this during a night feed. I've been doing night feeds and nappies, often taking baby into front room to not disturb my husband. But during the day he helps out with the majority of nappies, plus he'll help me get more rest by taking baby for a walk. So far it works for us and means we're not both exhausted...but it's early days.

[1300cakes]

Do what works for you. I'm the first to call out lazy men but it can be a good strategy to have one parent cover the nights, if you both agree.

I ff but I did all the nights, I didn't mind, and it means DH was fresh to give me a sleep in or afternoon nap if I needed it. Some people here say they wake their DP just to change a nappy or "pass me the baby" which seems crazy to me!

[mantlepiece]

I fed all of mine and as others have said I felt no resentment as my DH picked up a lot of other stuff that needed to be done. I felt we were a team.

I also thought it would be a lot of work cleaning and making bottles not to mention the cost.

Also as others have said, I would never change a nappy at night unless smelly or leaking. I found it better to make a big demarcation between day and night, no lights no talking, just feeding. Maybe I was lucky but mine slept through a good 6 hour to 8hr stretch from weeks old.

Enjoy your baby!

[porridgeface]

I have a 2 year old and a 6 week old. I do all the nappies/ feeds at night, no point in us both being up. I wouldn't be giving up my own bed though, he has the option to sleep in the spare room if he wants. He gets up with our toddler and gets him washed/ dressed and entertained which gives me an extra hour or two in bed.

It does get easier as they start to feed more efficiently and you get quicker at changing them.

[AngelaScandal]

DC is 18m. Because of bf every night time wake or feed became my job. Now having the most difficult time weaning off the boob. Won’t settle at all for DH. It’s grim.

[ElaineMarieBenes]

I EBF and did the same - DH was self-employed at the time and I needed him to work!

DH was very involved though and did most domestic chores / cooking etc.

Worked well for us!

[Hangingtrousers]

I have 3 children. I've always done the night stuff because I bf.
He is fabulous other times but he has to be on the ball for work.
Do what works for your family OP.

[spottygymbag]

3yo and 12wk old here. With the first I would do all nights and he helped when we went through regressions. With the second I'm doing all nights again and he takes care of any wake ups from our older dc.
He also makes me breakfast/coffee and has both kids dressed and out the door for preschool drop off so I have an hour to myself for sleep, housework, a walk etc.
If I'm really struggling he will front pack our younger dc after I've fed and changed so I can catch up with a nap.
I've learnt to go with the flow more and accept that what works now won't necessarily work in a few months time. Also this only works for us because we both do our share of parenting, housework, family chores etc. He works full time and I'm about to start back part time.

[sweatsareallthatfitmenow]

No my dh would often be up helping settling him. I expressed too and he gave bottles too. He's always done his share at night. Our baby is 6 months now. Dh does the late dream feed while I'm asleep. I get up to baby in the morning and we take it in turns to have a lie in on the weekend. It's really important to me that my dh can settle the baby so he's not glued to me 24/7 and only wants me. If baby wakes through the night quite often he pops up seeing if he's ok too.

[dancingonmycervix]

About to have my 5th. I'll do all the nights but would expect my husband to get up with baby to give me a break if it was crying and crying and I couldn't settle. No point both of you being broken. I've bought a bedside crib
for this time. The first few weeks are relentless but 2 of mine (ebf) slept through (7-7) from 7 weeks. My third didn't sleep for more than a hour at a time until he was one though. I was on my knees. He's still got ants in his pants.

[prolefeed]

God no. We had three. Share the burden. Baby cries, dh fetches baby. I feed baby while dh goes back to sleep. Dh changes and settles baby.
I’m no martyr. It worked well, he understood what hard work parenting is from the get go. I’ve never had any issues with him pulling his weight, despite working hard and long.
Why would you take on all the work and give him a free ride? How on earth is he going to understand what you are doing if he doesn’t do his share?! What you do now is going to set the tone for your entire marriage. Parenting is a joint responsibility, not an opportunity for a woman to look after a baby and a grown man.

[Waveysnail]

I used to feed around 6pm and head to bed about 7/8pm. Dh used to bring baby up for feed around 10pm and that was handover for the night. I really wished I'd introduced a bottle for that 10pm feed so I could have slept 7pm through to next night feed

[Waveysnail]

We discovered early with first thatbheres no point both of us being up a night. In morning I did feed and baby handover and go back to bed.

[weepingwillow22]

I did all the nights early on but now LO is older (8 months) my DH settles him at night to break the feed to sleep association and will also be helping with night weaning. He also helps out a lot in the night with our older disabled son.

[BarbieandKenBruce]

Yes did all the nights. DH and I are a team and I saw us both being sleep deprived rather than just one of us as weakening the team as a whole. If he got a good night's sleep it meant he could step up in other areas more easily and be there if I needed him. He'd do the mornings for as long as he could in between feeds. I also think it can be better for your relationship to have someone not so tired so they can hold it all together.
Nights really grind you down. Hopefully my next baby will take a bottle and I can get more of a chunk of sleep, but then in our house I could always hear baby cry and it always woke me up and it was always quicker for me to just feed him so I don't know! I'd love to know how to manage sleep better but I think when you're the one with the feeding apparatus it just is what it is.
I think as long as you really feel like a team there's nothing inherently wrong with Dad's getting a good night's sleep as long as they use that to be a good partner and Dad in other ways. Good luck, you're doing brilliantly.