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I’m absolutely petrified of becoming a mum. But I’m already 40 weeks!!

(26 Posts)
bgcexx Mon 01-Jun-20 00:59:22

i feel so so so guilty for saying or even thinking this. i feel like even the thought of being scared is already a failure. I’m going to be responsible for a life in 5 days when i’m induced.

This whole pregnancy , even before , I was so excited to become a mum and raise a child. but the nearer to the end I’ve reached, especially now more than ever I wonder if I made the right choice. Is it too early? Should I have waited? Did I make a choice?
I’m not mentally prepared I have no idea what i’m doing at all.
Due to covid I have no friends or family to come and help me, I’ve not been able to attend any antenatal classes. I don’t even know what to expect at the birth!! I’ve tried looking things up , one thing just contradicts another. “You must do this, but not this, Do it like this but 100% do not do this. It must be this way, but not that way.” sad confused

Due to us being out of work for so long my boyfriend can take no more than a week off work. and this poor innocent life is going to expect me to raise him a nd look after him, i’m none the wiser to what he is. But i’m the one that needs to be responsible.
I feel like such a bad person, I’m so scared and I hate the fact these thoughts come into mind only 5 days before I start being induced.
i literally don’t know what to think

OP’s posts: |
SleepingStandingUp Mon 01-Jun-20 01:08:40

It's just performance anxiety op, honestly.

None of us know what we're doing to start with, I swear
My twins are my baby 2 and 3 and 5 months and I still feel clueless.

How old are you and howong have you been with your bf? Is the relationship doing OK? Are you worried he won't do his bit?

When they're tiny its basic - feed, clean, cuddle. You can bf or you can ff, what matters is he's fed
Cloth of disposable, what matters is he's changed.
Falling asleep on you and refusing to be put down, it's hard but it gets better. Then they teeth and it goes to shit again

You might get a rush or love, you might not. Both are normal.

I know you can't see people properly but do you have family and friends who have got children? Could you start a little Wattsapp group to ask for advice and support when you need it? If there's more people in it there's more chance someone is awake and around when you need it.

Can you call the midwife and talk it through with her Re the birth? I had EMCS then planned CS so I have literally no Intel on vaginal deliveries except push xx

HalloumiSalad Mon 01-Jun-20 01:09:05

Don't panic! You and the baby will learn together and that is true of all new parents you will be as good as anyone.
At first all you need to do is care enough to take care of your baby, eating, sleeping and being safe and warm is all they need. They feel safe when they are with you. Baby will cry to let you know when one of those things is needed. All the complicated stuff like teaching right from wrong comes further down the line and by the time that is needed you will have had chance to adjust.
First things first just give love, food, keep clean and warm. You will be ok, the fact that you want to get things right will motivate you to learn about carrying for your baby. And that's what is needed really.

UnderTheBus Mon 01-Jun-20 04:15:57

It's really tough OP, especially during lockdown, but you absolutely can do this. The fact that you're worried about it means you obviously care a lot and I'm sure you'll be great when the time comes.

Have a look for information online RE the birth. I would look at informative websites rather than places like mumsnet which is more about opinions, for example NHS or NCT. If you want to breastfeed I would recommend the Kellymom website or La Leche League, for informative and unbiased information.

DripDrip Mon 01-Jun-20 05:42:19

There's a lot of free antenatal classes. Although in 5 days' time I appreciate you might not be able to see these. There's one taking place today, 1 June via Zoom. Sign up for it here: www.letstalkbirthandbaby.co.uk/book-antenatal-classes

ArriettyJones Mon 01-Jun-20 05:52:20

It’s a good sign. It shows you are taking the responsibility seriously.

As for basic baby advice, buy ONE middle of the road (I.e. no extreme ideological positions like “crying it out”), classic baby care book that is in its umpteenth edition. Something very neutral and well-tested. Use that for the basics and trust your instinct in the big decisions. You’ll be fine flowers

ArriettyJones Mon 01-Jun-20 05:54:35

(This is what I mean by a neutral baby care book.)

www.amazon.co.uk/Your-Baby-Week-ultimate-UPDATED/dp/0091910552/ref=mp_s_a_1_11?dchild=1&keywords=miriam+stoppard+baby+book&sprefix=miriam+stippa&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1590987177&sr=8-11

ememem84 Mon 01-Jun-20 06:03:30

Totally normal. I felt like this when I had ds (now 2.5). I was terrified of having to look after a baby. So many what ifs. So much contradicting “advice” everywhere.

And so much judgement (or so I thought).

But. I did it. Am still doing it.

Yes I’ve got things wrong - leaving ds who had just learned to roll on the bed for a minute was a learning experience. But everyone does.

Baby will be fine. Baby will love you. It’s a learning experience for both of you (or three of you if you factor in your dp). That’s not to say baby won’t look at you with a “wtf are you doing mother?!” look.

I didn’t read any books. Because I found them too confusing so was and still am winging it.

bgcexx Mon 01-Jun-20 06:16:41

i love how everyone on this thread is so supportive. i’ve been with my partner now 4 years and i know i’ll have his help and support when he’s around but at the moment his main focus is to get the money through the door since these unprecedented times have left such a dent in our pockets. i think it’s just the thought of mostly being alone is what’s making me panic a little more than anticipated.

i think it’s just the whole worry of the unknown which i can tell that’s nothing but the norm!! oh i know i’m going to make plenty of mistakes - hell i just realized i forgot to buy bloody bedding for his crib - great start!!!!! so i’ll be on that today!! blush

OP’s posts: |
Nowisthemonthofmaying Mon 01-Jun-20 06:17:57

You still have time to prepare for the birth! I would recommend the Positive Birth Company's digital pack, you could easily work your way through the videos in a couple of days and it tells you all about the stages and what to expect as well as giving you some breathing techniques which will help with the anxiety.

IdblowJonSnow Mon 01-Jun-20 06:28:08

You'll be fine OP. MN is a huge resource. The main issue I had was feeding. I'd have formula/bottles/steriliser/pump at the ready so you've got it all covered. Most babies are nocturnal so I honestly would just sleep as much as you can in the day. You'll probably feel a bit overwhelmed at times and definitely exhausted but it becomes the new norm very quickly!
Waiting around is a very odd thing and natural to feel nervous etc.
Take the pain relief offered is my advice and bear in mind that you'll feel pretty emotional for a few weeks while your hormones are rampaging.
Good luck! smile

Nillynally Mon 01-Jun-20 06:30:28

Firstly it's a super weird time to be becoming a mum but everything you're feeling is pretty normal. I wasn't excited at the prospect of babies, I like children, not babies and was fully prepared to hate becoming a mum to a newborn. This last year has been wonderful. Honestly, it's amazing. She is so worth it. God luck to you xx

Englishgirl9 Mon 01-Jun-20 06:31:57

I had a baby 3 weeks ago. I've found a FB group which started from Mumsnet for May births to be really useful and supportive. You could join that if you wanted, or similar support networks online.

Honestly, the is a natural instinct that kicks in. The first few hours I was alone with my baby I was so worried about being responsible for this little person but it's a cycle of changing, feeding and sleep.

There are also loads of resources online e.g. YouTube for baby basics and labour information.

ememem84 Mon 01-Jun-20 06:33:27

As a tip - absolutely as another poster suggested take the pain killers.

After both births I felt as though I’d been hit by a bus. Every part of my body ached.

Accept help when it’s offered. And don’t be afraid to ask for help. I didn’t and was with ds. When I had Dd last year I accepted every offer of help I could.

You will be fine. There will be things that go “wrong” and will make you want to cry but go with it.

My example of ds rolling off the bed was one. The other being when he did a poo rocket all over our white bedding mid change half an hour before I was due a visitor to give me a quote for removals. Had to call Dm in for that one to help me change bed while I emergency bather ds...!

He also managed to get shit on the bedside lamp. So that was fun. We laugh about it now....

1moreRep Mon 01-Jun-20 06:37:53

everyone feels like this, it's normal.

i remember freaking out and reading delia smith cook books cover to cover as i was convinced my lack of cooking skills made me an unfit mother.

I had never even held a baby before having my own aged 26, 11 years ago. They teach you everything in hospital about nappies and baths. No one knows what they are doing, trust your instincts.

All the baby needs is you so just do what ever makes things easier for you. there is no right and wrong

HalloumiSalad Mon 01-Jun-20 08:34:38

You and your partner will feel the pressure in different ways. One of the best tips I got which helped, was to never get into the Who-Has-Got-It-Worse/Is-Most-Tired competition. Show each other care and understanding when you can and then you will bounce back from those moments when you are so tired you say/do the wrong thing so much more readily. It helps because everything is easier when you have each others back.
Just to give you a flavour of how normal your feelings of 'yikes, is this happening to me' feelings are... Shortly after ds was born I was stood in my kitchen enjoying a cuppa and could hear a baby crying, wondered whose it was... Cue realising it was mine! There were several 'uh-oh, no-one else is coming along except me' moments... But I'm used to it now (ds is nearly 10) grin

HalloumiSalad Mon 01-Jun-20 08:41:20

...It helps because everything is easier when you have each others back.

It sounds stark staring obvious doesn't it. (Reading it back and thinking you'll think I'm mad for mentioning it). But when you're knackered, feelings of jealousy for anyone whose grass is (seemingly) greener can happen and make one person niggle the other. It doesn't help, understandable though it is.
Also not many people mention how funny babies can be. We laughed our heads off at ours sometimes. That helps. 😁

corythatwas Mon 01-Jun-20 13:45:03

I wonder if there is a single expectant mum who doesn't feel this.

The good news is, you don't have to know it all at once. There is only so much raising that needs to take place in any one week. As the baby grows, you will grow with it: you will learn new things, you will change.

NicLondon1 Tue 02-Jun-20 13:37:37

Don't panic. But I would try to read a book about the labour and what to expect. Have you tried What To Expect When You're Expecting? Or The Positive Birth Book is brilliant.
Have you tried talking to your midwife? Surely they would have sent you some information and talked about your birth plan..?
Also I recommend Week By Week for the first few weeks after baby's birth.
You'll be fine - women have been doing it for millennia, and everyone just muddles through at first!

BiggerBoat1 Tue 02-Jun-20 13:42:36

Don't worry. You're probably exhausted and your hormones all over the place.

Nobody knows what to do with their first baby. You figure it out as you go along. Use mother and baby groups so you share your experiences with other new Mums and never feel afraid to ask for help.

userabcname Tue 02-Jun-20 15:26:52

My advice: do what your baby needs, not what some random book/website/person tells you they should be doing. Take it really easy. Look after yourself. Don't beat yourself up about the state of the house / the laundry pile / the fact you've still got some baby weight - there WILL be time for all that but just focus on the basics in the newborn days and getting to know your new little person. You may well have an "oh shit! Whose idea was this?!" moment (most likely at 3am when you can't the baby to sleep and you're covered in spit up and your boobs are leaking and you just want to have a long hot bath then sleep for 8 solid hours but you can't because baby!) and this is normal! I thought that with both my 2 and absolutely love them to bits and want a third. So it will get better. Good luck and take care.

Fishfingersandwichplease Tue 02-Jun-20 16:44:30

This was me 8 years ago, terrified of childbirth, more terrified of having a baby to look after - wasted the whole pregnancy stressing over it. Then she was born and it literally all went away. It is a really scary thought OP but you will be fine. Good luck hope all goes well xxx

Silveroriole Wed 03-Jun-20 08:02:49

Sing! When the stress builds up, when you're pacing around at night with someone screaming over your shoulder, when you're changing the umpteeth nappy of the day - just sing. Any song you know or make up your own. It really helps!

C0RA Wed 03-Jun-20 08:09:50

You will be fine honest. No one knows how to do it, we just learn With our first.

However you need to arrange childcare soon and get back to work full time - you are in a very vulnerable position as you are not married. Don’t risk your career and earning potential for his sake when you have no ties.

piscis Wed 03-Jun-20 13:03:21

I was a little bit like this too.
No friends or family to help either (I wouldn’t have wanted anyone interfering on the first days anyway).
It was much better than what I would have expected.
You have so much information available now, you’ll be fine.

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