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Newborn visitors from overseas

(11 Posts)
Grainedesesame Tue 26-May-20 06:59:55

We are expecting our first this August, we live in London remotely from our family living mostly in France.

They are planning to come after the birth. My mother will be coming for three weeks, my In laws and SIL for a week right after that. Another SiL and cousin planning on visiting as well as my father and his girlfriend.

They are mostly taking round, planning on supporting us and not staying with us but it somehow feels very much overwhelming. I'm worry that- while we might need help- we might want to be just all three of us and enjoy our new family. I don't want to stop anyone to see our little girl but this all sound too much and we just don't know what will happen after birth and how we will feel.

Did you had visitors after birth? Was it mostly invasive or helpful? How can I handle this without hurting anyone but yet protecting my sanity. Thank you!

With the covid situation, this thread might be quite irrelevant but would like to anticipate a non-covid situation.

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aimzxd Tue 26-May-20 07:44:39

I did and it stressed me out so much. I felt the house had to be clean and tidy which was hard to do on little sleep with a newborn and they all expected tea/coffee/biscuits. I wish I had a better midwife as i heard some tell family to bugger off as youve just been through a birth and are not there to wait on anyone hand and foot except baby but mine was never in touch. I even kicked my mum out one day but that was more because she kept forcing opinions on me and telling me what she deemed was wrong (holding baby while he cried) till she went away and read up on how it makes them secure not spoiled. Still an ongoing drama with visitors but a bit easier now that he's 5 months and I make sure visitors come when dp off work, pre lockdown obviously.

aimzxd Tue 26-May-20 07:45:29

Shouldve read holding baby when he cried.

Mumdiva99 Tue 26-May-20 07:53:18

It's way too much. Too much pressure on you. You need to relax and focus on baby and as you won't know how you feel.

What is.your relationship with your mum like? Mine would have driven me mad - but some people have a different relationship and the parent is a great support. Doing the cleaning, cooking etc while the mum can just rest.and look after the baby.

Could you tell them you will plan a visit to France instead?
Or have a welcome baby party after 6 weeks - external to home....but they can all come on one day to see you and it's a special event where you formally welcome the baby to the wider family.

It's really hard if it's the first family baby as everyone is so excited - and we would be upset if they didn't care.

YRGAM Tue 26-May-20 08:14:13

If they are going to come, let them know (or ask your husband to let them know) that they can expect no hospitality whatsoever. They are literally there to help you recover from the birth and get used to looking after the little one. We basically didn't let anyone in the house unless they were prepared to get to know our mop, hoover and sink smile It might make you feel bad but post birth you need to focus all your energy on getting used to motherhood. Best of luck!

Pantheon Tue 26-May-20 08:15:38

You might want a break between visitors or a bit if time at home on your own first. Do you think they'll be helpful or overbearing?

mindutopia Tue 26-May-20 09:36:26

We didn't have any visitors at all with our first for 10 days and then just for an hour or two. My family live abroad and my mum didn't visit until 6 weeks and then they stayed elsewhere and only visited for the day. With our 2nd, I have no idea, but I'm pretty sure we didn't see anyone again for about 6-8 weeks (no local family).

Honestly, I think that sounds hell ish. I would pick 1-2 people who you are really close to and who will be supportive and ask them to plan to visit. But they'll need to stay somewhere else and they don't book their travel until after baby is born, so you have control over the timing. Realistically, it may not be possible to travel anyway (and they may need to quarantine for 2 weeks first - frankly, I'd be asking them to do that any way as you and baby will be quite vulnerable).

Then after that first visit, you can let everyone know you'll make decisions based on your health and what your needs are at the time. But that you are happy to video chat with them so that they can see the baby.

Herpesfreesince03 Tue 26-May-20 09:41:51

Fuck that op! Whose idea was it for your mother to stay 3 weeks?? I had visitors come to stay to ‘help’ when I had my first. It’s makes it harder, not easier. This time is about you, your partner and your baby. What’s your partner said about all these visits? I’d scale your mother back from 3 weeks to 1 long weekend. The rest can stay in a hotel

Bol87 Tue 26-May-20 09:42:59

You will probably be able to use Covid as an excuse.. haven’t we got to quarantine either way with France?! 14 days here & 14 days when they get back? I doubt anything will have changed by August.. can your parents/in-laws etc feasibly do that with work? And do you want to constantly in quarantine for the first couple months of your newborns life? As you’ll have to isolate with them?!

And do you really want multiple visitors who could all bring coronavirus to your home after using public transport etc?! Children are very low risk thankfully but it’s more that you don’t want to be ill while looking after a newborn & getting no sleep to recover!

Mangomumma Tue 26-May-20 10:38:58

With DD1 the immediate family popped in briefly for an hour to say hi in the first few days. Then after 2 weeks my DH went back to work & my mum stayed with us for a week & cooked, cleaned & generally looked after us smile
Same with DD2.
If they're only going to pop by quickly then it might be ok, but be very strict with short visits (have your other half chuck them out if they overstay their welcome!). I could not have coped with hours & hours of family around. You need time to recuperate & bond with baby!

Grainedesesame Tue 26-May-20 20:41:32

Some excellent take away here and ideas. I'm kind of hoping on the quarantine rules to discourage family. Thank you for sharing your own experiences. I'm really much dreaming of a few weeks of just my husband and the baby. If you have any further tips on how to deal with this situation it's very much welcome!

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