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Am I being unreasonable?

(17 Posts)
Kirsty2101 Sat 23-May-20 21:48:38

Never posted anything like this before but I need a bit of advice. So me and my partner have a gorgeous almost one year old boy together. He's a good dad to him and our son thinks the sun shines out of his backside haha. We also have one child each from previous relationship, me a 16 year old boy who lives with us and him a 10 year old girl who lives with her mum who we see as often as her mother will allow. My problem is that since our baby came along my partner has often accidentally called him by his daughters name. It's happened a lot and to be honest it's frustrating and upsetting me. I don't get how he could mix the 2 up. She's a 10 year old girl he's a baby boy! It's mostly when he's talkie about the baby and he'll say her name. Few times he's called him her name to him. Hes often slipped up in conversation about his old family, ie implying he doesn't miss them "as much " now. This is me being insecurity sure but their relationship was volatile and he repeatedly says he can't stand the mother now, whose not a nice person at all. I keep going over and over in my head if he subconsciously wishes he was still part of that family and misses that setup when his daughter was a baby, hence him calling our son her name. As much as he claims to hate his ex he talks about her enough . I'm just worried for my son really, I've got myself convinced he doesn't really want him and is kinda playing daddy as he is fully honest that he could've been a lot better with his daughter. He's never forgotten other people's names or called anyone by a wrong name before, why with your own son?? It's driving me mad honestly I m sat ere thinking I'm a second best option because he can't have the family he really wants. I've read about why people mix up names of family members and the just I got is that the name given is the one of the favourite. I'm honestly driving myself mad thinking I'm gonna end up a single parent again when he inevitably goes back to the famile he really wantsn

OP’s posts: |
Grandmi Sat 23-May-20 21:52:37

I have three children,granddaughter and a dog and I can honestly say I get someone’s name wrong at least 3 to 10 times a day !! It really is not an unusual problem...try not to read anything sinister there .

DaisyChainsForever Sat 23-May-20 21:57:27

We have a 2 year old together and DP has a 19 year old from a previous relationship. He calls him by the 1st child's name all the time. He says it because our DS does stuff that reminds him of his 1st born. I just take that at face value.

Herpesfreesince03 Sat 23-May-20 21:58:11

Oh, in the nicest way possible, get a grip op! I have two boys and a girl. I mix their names up at least half the time I call any of them. I call the girls a boys name, I call the boys the girls name, if you combine the two boys name you get another really popular boys name. I regularly get confused and call the boys or the girl this name when it’s NONE of their names. I’ve also called my partner of 12 years my exes name I broke up with 15 years ago. It’s just a brain fart. If he wanted to be with this other family, he’d be with them and not you

longtimecomin Sat 23-May-20 21:59:54

Ffs, slip of the tongue. So what if he said the wrong name, honestly you sound like you have post natal depression.

user1469906824 Sat 23-May-20 22:00:00

I have 3 kids and regularly get their names mixed up( including boys/girls) When DS1 was tiny I went through a stage of not being able to remember his name(blame sleep deprivation) so I honestly wouldn't worry about your partner mixing up names.

SomeoneElseEntirelyNow Sat 23-May-20 22:01:12

I have called my DD the name of my parents' (boy) dog at least once a week since she was born. I think you're being a little paranoid here.

Kirsty2101 Sat 23-May-20 22:16:25

I get what you’re all saying I really do and I am worried I’m being paranoid. It just really bothers me as we tried so hard to have him and it’s a miracle he’s here at all. Along with the name thing he often acts like he’s doing me a favour when he has him by himself. Today I went back to work after maternity leave and he had him all day, came home to find my eldest basically looked after him most of the day while he was FaceTimeing his daughter. Great that he does that but surely he should want to make the most of their time together? And he calls our son the Nickname his daughter had as a baby, which is clearly a girls name. Not her actual name. It’s also thinks like when our son does something or reaches a milestone I’ll be there cheering and filming etc while he’ll say things like well my daughter did this quicker etc. It’s honestly all the time, like he wishes he was her. I’m probably rambling and I’m honestly not a paranoid person but this is really getting me down

OP’s posts: |
Elieza Sat 23-May-20 22:22:53

My dad used to call my step sisters baby my name. Until she was in secondary school! I think it’s just an automatic pilot thing! She looks nothing like me.

However I did get hurt and a bit pissed off as I felt like I had been replaced. I just sucked up those feelings and kept my trap shut. She got lots more stuff than I ever got too, that’s for sure. I think he forgot she wasn’t me and tried to give her the best, (perhaps out of guilt to try and make up for ‘my’ childhood being in poverty) while the real me was still there getting nothing (and had nothing most of my life as we were much poorer then). I’m glad she got it for her sake, I wouldn’t change that as she’s lovely, and it’s not ‘stuff’ I need but tbh I’d quite have liked to have a bit more attention myself from my lovely dad for who I am, but my stepmother hates me and kept him in line so that wasn’t an option.

The name he uses doesn’t matter. What’s behind it might. Just make sure your fair to the older kids.

Bluntness100 Sat 23-May-20 22:26:32

He can’t have been face timing his daughter all day surely? That would be unusual.

Are yoy maybe so upset you’re exaggerating?

SomeoneElseEntirelyNow Sat 23-May-20 22:29:37

What was his relationship like with his daughter when she was small? Does he have a lot of guilt/regret about it? Is your DS his do-over baby? If so then maybe suggest counselling to help him process and move on from those feelings.

Porridgeoat Sat 23-May-20 22:34:14

You’re being overly sensitive I think. The reason he mixes them up is because they are in the same category of much loved child. It’s very normal to mix up own kids names. I’ve even called my son my dogs name.

sauvignonblancplz Sat 23-May-20 22:39:08

I think you are being overly sensitive . It’s not unreasonable to go back into the rhythm you had when you first had a baby. It’s just instinct and reflex .
I call my children by the wrong name more than the correct one and it boggles my own brain that I do it as it happens for no reason .
I’m sure he misses his daughter an awful lot and would love to have her there too as part of the family .
You sound threatened by the daughter ?

Kirsty2101 Sat 23-May-20 23:07:46

That’s my worry, that my son will grow up feeling second best or not worth as much. I too was that do over baby and was constantly compared to my step sister and growing up it was horrible feeling ignored while she got everything emotionally and otherwise. And yes it’s not the name, it’s the reason for it. No not all day, I’m going back to work short shifts so 7 hours he had him and he was on the phone to her twice for 3 hours then another 2. I am absolutely not threatened by her, she’s an adrable kid I wish we could have her here more. His relationship with her as a baby was good, her mum chucked him out when she was 3 and he’ll admit he feels guilt for not being there enough, but her mum wouldn’t allow it. His do over baby? That’s what I’m scared of, he said he really wanted him but as times going on it’s honestly like he’s living in the past and treating him like he’s her. I totally get the instinct thing but I can’t explain it, it’s like he forgets where he is who he is I am etc and he’s trying to recreate the past

OP’s posts: |
Elieza Sat 23-May-20 23:33:02

“ it’s like he forgets where he is who he is I am etc and he’s trying to recreate the past”

I totally agree. Like he’s got a second chance and wants to fix things. But then he does nothing extra for the ‘original’ child. That’s Exactly how I felt.

SomeoneElseEntirelyNow Sun 24-May-20 08:07:04

Then you need to talk to him, and get him to have counselling or something, to process the issues and move on.

DappledThings Sun 24-May-20 16:22:24

I call my children by each other's name at least every other day and they are a boy and girl. MIL mixes up DH, FILand the names of their 3 dogs. For a while she kept calling DD a totally different name which is a combination of her actual name and one of the dogs.

None of it means anything, our brains just reach for familiar names and don't always get the right one first.

I say "good boy, sorry girl" and vice versa daily as well.

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