AIBU?

[FairyDustSparkle]

I was furloughed from my job in April so now looking after our DD is my responsibility. I find my DH needs to work more and has stayed on our dining room to work! We both moved there when the lock down happened to look after DD.
We have a perfectly good office in our garden but he did not want to move back there because of the noise the neighbors kids make! 🙄
Him working on the table is both a help and hendrence. It's nice that DH can see him and he can watch her while I need the toilet, in the kitchen or doing laundry.

I was trying to talk with him last night as I'm feeling tired and frustrated. I don't get any time to myself, I want to study so I can get a few more qualifications as I'm not sure I'll have a job to go back to. Initially we agreed that I could do 2 hrs studying on a Tuesday and a Thursday. That lasted a week! I am supposed to remind him about it! In the end I'm just studying in the evenings. I said to him I'm tired, his answer is go to bed early! Gee thanks! By the time my DD goes to bed I have to tidy the kitchen and house. Then I want to study, so part my fault I guess.

Don't get me wrong, my DH does do stuff but I guess in my eyes not enough! Does that sound selfish and unreasonable? When I spoke with him, he got defensive and said that I don't appreciate his help and that I make it sound like he does nothing. Well I don't feel appreciated at all! I feel like hired help!

When you are stuck with a 3 year old day in and day out, entertaining her, feeding her, dealing with her tantrums and his because she is making too much noise! Yes I guess you feel like there is just not enough help! 🙈

I'm feeling very lost and frustrated. He went and slept in a different room last night because I could not sleep and was crying and now we are up,DD on sofa watching some TV and he's not said a word to me! Guess I have to apologise again and make it out like it's my fault for whatever reason!

I just want to have an adult conversation and not feel like we are blaming each other or trying to see who does the most! Is that too much to ask? Am I going about it all wrong?

[TitianaTitsling]

Are you wanting him to take 4hrs out of his working day for you to study? That's Unreasonable I think.
What do you not think that he is doing enough of?

[Needtosleep4days]

You sound like me. You are fed up. It's the same here apart from I don't study and we have two kids under 5. It's just hard. You have feelings and are struggling with the lack of space. I am exactly the same. My brain is screaming for life outside these four walls. I want a cup of tea and a chat with a women who wants to chat about family life. I want to go in a shop. I want to have a day out. I want a bath in peace. A lie in too .

I' am so over cleaning up. Everyone eating here in the day. More snacks = more crumbs, mess, fingerprints. More mugs for coffee as my partner's home. Theres more toys out. More laundry. More baths. More entertaining required. Kids hog my Tele. They don't sleep anymore as they are not worn out anymore.

You are allowed to vent. You are overwhelmed. You are not alone. I get it completely. It's just hard!

[JiltedJohnsJulie]

If he doesn't like the noise, I would gently remind him each tine that it's DD's home and 3 yo are noisy. Perhaps the office might be better?

I've printed off The Organised Mum daily tasks and kami aged them. My DH is much better if it's really clear what needs doing.

Is your DH taking a limch break each day? Perhaps he could prepare lunch?

If you are finding it hard to get things done, could you involve DD a bit more? Most 3 yo will "help" with hoovering, dusting, pegging out, matching socks, loading the washing machine, cleaning windows.

[JiltedJohnsJulie]

Also, if you're not getting a break in the day, which is understandable if he's working, could he do DD's bath and bedtime so that you can start studying a little earlier.

If he is able to take time away from work to let you study, which is a real bonus, do you have a shared calendar on your phones? If so I'd pop it in there and then there's no need to have to remind him each time

[johnd2]

I think details aside what is not reasonable is that this situation has become a battle rather than two adults trying to find a solution to the problem together.
The most telling part for me was when you were crying he went to sleep elsewhere rather than try to help!
There's no point in working out what the routine or solution is until you are both on the same page and working together.
Since you're the one here, you might have to take the lead in breaking through the problem. Do you think your husband lacks confidence, presumably be is worried that if he opens up he might turn out to struggle with new things? He is clearly not engaging with the problem if his answer to you are tired is go to bed earlier. If you can find some way to help him realise it can be better all round. Have you thought about doing a trial, eg he takes her out for half an hour walk during lunch break? Suggested in such a way that it's time limited and doable and he doesn't feel it's setting a precedent but it would build his confidence?
I'm sure if he were to post his point of view i could suggest ideas for him, but unfortunately he hasn't.
Good luck!