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When your kids don't resemble you

(52 Posts)
Betyourbuttons Wed 06-May-20 15:54:54

DS doesn't look a thing like me in any way. We are complete opposites in every possible way and tbh this makes me quite sad as I had envisioned having a little boy version of me running around. Sometimes when I look at him this sadness comes back and I feel a little like I'm looking at a stranger. It's not that I love him less or anything, he is my world.

The comments happen more and more nowadays about how he looks nothing like me. This adds salt to the wound that I've been trying to ignore.

Anyone else in a similar situation? How do you feel and how do you deal with these feelings? Do you have other kids who look like you?

OP’s posts: |
Quitthat Wed 06-May-20 16:01:57

I have 1 that looks like me and another that totally doesn't. Must admit, when the one that doesn't was little, I used to do her hair like mine and dress her in a similar style to me (!!), and people would then comment on our similarity...! Not so easy to do that with a boy though. And now she's older she chooses not to style herself like me (can't imagine why...), so now we just look nothing alike.

It bothers me less than it used to. Mainly it is my in-laws claiming that every little trait of any of my kids is somehow linked to their side ("oh, his hair is so dark! Just like great aunt Amelia's was! Must've skipped a couple of generations" - um, yeah, or like mine is?!) that bugs me.

I know I'm equally their mother, regardless of how similar we do or don't look, so I've made my peace with it ;)

corythatwas Wed 06-May-20 16:07:00

I have one who looks like me (blond, blue-eyed- fair-skinned) and is like me personality-wise (self-controlled, stubborn, hates losing face) but doesn't share a single one of my interests.

Another who doesn't look like me in any way (dark, brown-eyed, olive-skinned) and is completely unlike me personality wise (impulsive, open, sociable) but we do share a fair number of interests.

Both are fine, both are fun. Wouldn't have mattered at all if neither had looked like me. It was the eldest who didn't btw.

One of my siblings is of a different race from me, doesn't make him less my sibling.

I don't look like my mother either and am not very like her, though again we do share interests.

binkyboinky Wed 06-May-20 16:14:18

That's totally normal. I look nothing like my mum, she has delicate, small features and was really pretty when young, and I was blessed with a large nose, and completely different other features, hair and colouring.

Onthedancefloor Wed 06-May-20 16:14:33

Neither of my children look like me, they both have blonde hair and blue eyes like their Dad. I've got dark hair and eyes. My daughter's hair is the same as my sister's though, which is annoying too - she should look like me, not my sister!

My son sometimes looks a bit like me with certain expressions, and he has very soft skin that tans easily, like me. Feel like I'm scraping the barrel to find such small similarities, so I do know what you feel a little bit.

Onthedancefloor Wed 06-May-20 16:18:10

NB how do I deal with these feelings - they are my babies whatever they look like and I get to kiss them and put them to bed. No-one else has that, having them is more important than us looking alike. I think as they grow you realise that they are real people who will be influenced by your opinions and values, but also develop their own.

JosephineDeBeauharnais Wed 06-May-20 16:20:57

I have two DC with different fathers. Both are replicas of their fathers, which is especially galling in the case of DC1 who's father has been entirely absent since DC was 6 - now adult hmm. I clearly don't have strong genes.

HarrietM87 Wed 06-May-20 16:23:36

My son looks like a mix of me and his dad. I used to dwell on where he’d got each feature “from” but now I think he just looks like his beautiful self. As far as I’m concerned he’s the most gorgeous child alive and I think I’d have struggled to say and think that if he’d been my double! I gave birth to him so he will always be my son, whatever he looks like. That’s enough for me.

MarshaBradyo Wed 06-May-20 16:23:46

One really does, very much so. The other is the carbon copy of his father. Then a third mixed.

I did feel a bit put out that my genes had been swamped but for the second he his a mini version of me so I got over it pdq.

MarshaBradyo Wed 06-May-20 16:25:43

One is blonde blue eyes, other dark hair brown eyes, and dd is very blonde, blue eyes. It all feels normal / fine now.

PETRONELLAS Wed 06-May-20 16:26:20

I am fascinated by this. Mine all look a bit like me but nothing at like eachother. They have friends who look more like them it’s weird. But I love it.

IHeartKingThistle Wed 06-May-20 16:27:50

DS looks like me and DD looks like her Dad, but because of the genders people are determined to say DS looks like DH! They both have his colouring.

However, though DD, now 13, looks nothing like me, there is so much of me in her character and outlook that it doesn't matter at all.

Macarena1990 Wed 06-May-20 16:31:12

All 3 of mine are identical and the image of their dad! Same mannerisms too

skinnyhotchoc Wed 06-May-20 16:31:51

My dd looks nothing like me and frankly when people say she does, which they do fairly often, it annoys me. I wouldn't wish my mug on anyone!

Chiyo666 Wed 06-May-20 16:32:00

I have the dominant genes, I’m half black half chinese.
My husband was white.

They all look like him. angry

ImNotWhoYouThinkIam Wed 06-May-20 16:35:07

Ds1 looks like his dad, although his colouring is that of my mum and brother.

DS2 is my twin. Facial recognition stuff labels us as each other all the time.

Meh. They are both mine. I love them equally. People assume it bothers me that ds1 looks like his dad, my ex. I couldn't care less. They are my wonderful boys regardless.

AnyFucker Wed 06-May-20 16:35:19

My son is the image of me and nothing like his dad or sister

My daughter is nothing like either of us, but very much like the women on DH's side of the family

avroroad Wed 06-May-20 16:35:19

One of my boys looks like me. The other 2 look like each other, not me or DH grin

Aria20 Wed 06-May-20 16:35:41

Oldest son is my husbands mini me - both looks and personality but he does have my eyes! Next son looks more like me and has similar personality but husbands eyes! Daughter is a real mix of both her brothers but not really like me or husband lol so she must have bits from both.... she also has ringlets this which none of the rest of us have!

Bol87 Wed 06-May-20 16:37:09

Hmm.. can’t say it bothers me at all. Although, my most vivid memory of my eldest’s birth is them handing this dark haired, tanned baby too me & wondering if they’d passed me the right baby 😂 My eldest is all dad & his side of the family. She’s olive skinned, brown haired & looks identical to her nana as a kid! She does have my square face & bad eyesight though, poor kid! She’s also identical to me personality wise!

My 7 week old is so far taking after me a lot more. She’s very fair skinned & very blonde! She was less of surprise when we first met.. grin

Genetics are fascinating I think, I like that my DD1 looks like her Daddy as I love him very much. I think she’s the cutest thing ever.. I do wish she had a bit more of his temperament though. He’s so laid back he’s falling over. My daughter & I a lot less so!

Windyatthebeach Wed 06-May-20 16:38:30

How old is he? Apparently dc are predisposed to look like their df's at first..
I have many many dc and none look like me. What was hard for me was after many many blue eyed dc I had dd with chocolate brown ones! Took some getting used to!!
Strange how some genes you want but don't get! Dh has wild curls. Ds is poker straight!!

Staywithmemyblood Wed 06-May-20 16:42:26

My DD looks nothing like me, but I'm happy with that. She looks like a mix of my DH and my brother! Sounds weird, but she is beautiful 😍

Focalpoint Wed 06-May-20 16:43:25

This is the thing about kids... they aren't versions of their parents. They are there own selves in looks, personality, mannerisms, interests etc etc. And it is a joy as parents to see all these aspects unfold and to love them for the people they are. And if you are lucky enough to have happy healthy kids, there is so much to be grateful for.

WeveGottaGetTherouxThis Wed 06-May-20 16:49:56

I can totally empathise. I’m really dark haired / have dark eyes (was even born with brown eyes, which is uncommon), so in my mind, even if my child looked like my husband, I thought they’d have my colourings...added to the fact we’re always told that dark genes are dominant etc.

I then gave birth to a white blonde, blue-eyed girl who is the absolute double of my husband! It was a total shock and I found it hard to get my head around at first, so I totally empathise with you. She’s now 6 and still the same, but we are very alike in personality, so I try and focus on that.

DS looks more like me (although still fair), but he is more like husband in personality.

I hope you’re ok...focus on any similar personality traits / mannerisms.

Sameold2020 Wed 06-May-20 16:58:25

I always wanted a blue eyed, blond haired boy like the one in Close Encounters of the Third Kind (obviously i didnt really care in real life), but I'm dark haired and dark eyed and so is dh. Guess what? We have a blue eyed, blond haired boy! Never would have thought it! My dc look 100% nothing like me. I dont mind as dh is probably more attractive than me, so they're lucky grin. They have my character though, so it's not all about looks!

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