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For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

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For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Parenting

Why I am finding it so hard to decide whether to have no 3 or not?

34 replies

PetitFilou1 · 13/09/2007 14:49

I thought I has decided - now when dh says lets go for it - I haven't actually managed to make the appointment to get my coil taken out. That indicates to me that underneath I must have doubts.

Tbh I am sh*t scared of going through the first year again, repeating the SPD at the end of my pregnancy (my back is only just better and dd is 2) and creating a middle child out of my fairly angelic dd2. My sister was a nightmare middle child.

I am 35 though and don't feel I have time to waste. Also if we don't do it now I think I'm pretty much not going to want to. But 2 feels so few to me! (and too neat because they are one girl, one boy)

Oh someone put me out of my misery please. This is all I can think about - day in, day out. And I am starting to bore even myself...

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PetitFilou1 · 13/09/2007 14:52

And I am scared of giving up work (we are also moving next year and a long way from where I currently work)

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Wisteria · 13/09/2007 14:53

Petit filou - are u me??

Having that very same dilemma - about saying yes to anotheer one but mysteriously never finding time o get to FPC for coil removal.....

Also have very bad back and drs say I shouldn't really.....

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Wisteria · 13/09/2007 14:54

Have you talked to dh about the fears?

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belgo · 13/09/2007 14:54

would you have to leave work anyway when you move?

What would you regret more in twenty years time? Having no. 3 or not having no. 3?

How much does your dh want a no. 3?

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VidiVickiVENIQV · 13/09/2007 14:55

If I say to you:

You must NEVER have a third child!

What's your gut reaction?

HM

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Dropdeadfred · 13/09/2007 14:57

I think once you have another you can never regret having them...but you can regret not having them for a lifetime...

However if you're really this doubtful perhaps put it off for 6 months or so, you've still got time.

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Wisteria · 13/09/2007 14:58

If you said it to me (and it is quite a good way of looking at it, it would be

and not necessarily in that order LOL

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Wisteria · 13/09/2007 14:59

I'm crap at brackets today )))))))

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MrsMarvel · 13/09/2007 14:59

vvv I wish you were around when I was pansying about whying and whereforeing about a 3rd child. It's now too late.

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PetitFilou1 · 13/09/2007 15:01

Wisteria at are you me?

Dh says he would like another one but would also be happy with the two we've got and just wants me to be happy. He is being very accommodating!

Belgo I will have to leave work because I work in the civil service in London and dh's work will be in Oxford. I was just nominated for a place on the pilot leadership programme for the senior civil service, had never considered this before, and felt strangely pleased for someone who was about to try and get pregnant again (supposedly) (Can't apply as was told too late and have to get application in by c.o.p today - bit hard with two young children at home really)

I am scared I will regret not having no3 but also concerned that I don't really have the stamina for 3 (not particularly worried about finances as dh will be a consultant dr - I'm very lucky in that respect)

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Wisteria · 13/09/2007 15:01

Which way MM - you did or didn't? - am kind of assuming you didn't

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Wisteria · 13/09/2007 15:02

Are you likely to have same back problems?

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castille · 13/09/2007 15:02

If it's bothering you that much, I would dare to suggest that a big part of you really wants a 3rd and would regret not having one long term. Am I right?

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PetitFilou1 · 13/09/2007 15:04

VVV My reaction would be sad but I can live with that as I have two lovely children and am lucky enough to have one of each

I think that's the problem - I could live with it but I don't know if it is what is best for me or the family or whether we would be missing someone

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MrsMarvel · 13/09/2007 15:05

Wisteria - too much watching and waiting, partly because dc2 had disabilities, so was wrapped up in that. So I didn't have a third. As a result I'm always advocating that women start their families as young as possible. Don't get me started on a teen mums conversation!

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PetitFilou1 · 13/09/2007 15:05

Castille Yes a big part of me does want another one - but I think I am worried about the survival of my marriage/ spoiling the dynamic between ds and dd that is there atm (although this may well change as they get older)/ not being able to move on with life as fast

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CristinaTheAstonishing · 13/09/2007 15:06

Petitfilou, at 35 you're still young enough to afford to wait a couple of years, esp. if no previous problems getting pg. By then you'll know whether or not you want a third and you'll still have the energy for one.

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PetitFilou1 · 13/09/2007 15:07

Wisteria
Yes I am likely to have same back problems, have a weakness on the right side and it goes (badly) sometimes leaving me in absolute agony (not really a reason not have a 3rd child on its own but I am on my own quite a bit with the children so it does contribute)

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Wisteria · 13/09/2007 15:09

Have you talked to dc1 & 2 about it? My mum had my brother as #3 and it did wreck the dynamic of the family a bit but there was quite a big age gap.

I think 3 can be an awkward number sometimes.

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castille · 13/09/2007 15:09

Your family dynamics are bound to change if you have another. But those changes might be for the better. They have been for us, thank goodness, but I did wonder how it would be. If you're worried about your marriage maybe now isn't the time?

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PetitFilou1 · 13/09/2007 15:09

Cristina
I think you might be right, I am just not ready to do it at the moment - maybe that is what it is - but when dd is 3 we will be moving away from those baby years and I think we would both be reluctant to go back to that. I would love to have started a family earlier but only got married at 30 - it is a bugger! Anyway, I will get back to this later, thanks all for your replies, must spend some time with ds who has had far too much tv while I've been diverted.....

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PetitFilou1 · 13/09/2007 15:10

Castille My marriage is great at the moment but the first year, both times, put huge strain on it

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PetitFilou1 · 13/09/2007 15:10

Now I really am going for a bit - back later!

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Wisteria · 13/09/2007 15:12

MM - I'm with you on that, if I hadn't had my dds early, they probably would never have happened, I am young enough to try for dc#s3&4 but it might not be possible now so at least I am lucky enough to have dds already.

I have lost count of the friends I have now who are struggling to conceive because they left it so long.

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bambi06 · 13/09/2007 15:19

im 41 and just had my third..my other two are 6 and 7 and although we didnt want anymore along came no 3 ..2 weeks ago ! and we are besotted..all of us and really feel its changed the dynamics of the family ..for the best incredibly and we both think it was the best decision in the end.. we deliberated about whether we wanted to go ahead with the pregnancy..it caused conflict between us bet amazingly like i said hes brought us through this even stronger and were elated plus our two cant love him enough and i worried as well if it would upset the balance between my two as they do get on remarkably well but they have pulled together even stronger....there are lots of reasonsNOT to have another but not as many to say yes..what would your instinct say if you knew you could never have another child foe medical reasons for example.. do you only worry about your back problems being an issue ? just go for it..