3 year old rage and tantrums - please help!

[Daisypop89]

We are having awful trouble with our 3yo DD the last few weeks. She will fly into a violent tantrum and literally turn purple with rage, hitting, screaming, wont listen to us trying to calm her, will scream and roar until she can barely breathe. It is so hard to deal with, especially as we have 6 month old DD2 and we are all stuck in the house. I do bring her for walks and out on her bike a few times a day around the neighbourhood, for some fresh air and for us to have some one to one time, but it doesn't seem to make a difference.

We have tried ignoring the tantrum, getting down on her level and trying (very calmly) to comfort her, even isolating her (I don't like doing this). She just gets louder and redder and more angry. Given the current situation, I am just so overwhelmed with her behaviour and it really got to me today. I can see it starting to break DP too, now that he is home with us all the time.

PLEASE does anyone have advice on how to deal with this???

[Jossina]

Is there anything you've found the specifically sets her off?

[Seriously79]

A friend was having problems with her 2 year old, and spoke to the HV.

I realise this is hard to do, and not always easy to put into practice, but apparently when one kid is kicking off your s'pose to just say very calmly

'We don't want to play with you, when you behave like this' and turn your back and concentrate on the other child.

Any attention good or bad in a kids eyes is attention.

Praise their good behaviour, and when possible ignore the bad.

Easier said than done I know.

Good luck x

[Ispywithmycynicaleye]

I have the same issue. My DD is 20 months and flies into such meltdowns shd sometimes vomits. We are trying to cope with daily.
She loves outside so I started taking her outside. We bought her a swing. Problem now is she does it when we try take her I side.

[Ispywithmycynicaleye]

Btw, ignoring and praising has made no difference. I'm watching your thread for advice.
HV said today she is referring DD to child mental health to be assessed for autism.

But any strategies people come up with I'm happy to try in the mean time.

[Gibbonsgibbonsgibbons]

Has she maybe just realised that baby is here for keeps/has baby started to be more interesting maybe rolling or something?

I would try some love bomb & for the actual tantrum what I found helps at that age was to sit down at a distance & say “I’m here I can see you are angry/sad/whatever & I am here when you want a cuddle” and then just sitting silently.

If she comes to hit/kick move away/block her as gently as possible (standing & turning away usually) & remind her we are gentle with our hands we are gentle with people maybe offer a cushion to hit.

I’m convinced that “terrible twos” was made up to trick people into hanging on until they were 3 yr olds
This too shall pass

[Daisypop89]

@Gibbonsgibbonsgibbons yes actually, baby is rolling and starting to sit up, and weaning now too so she has a high chair and joins us for meals etc. I hadn't seen this as an issue but maybe DD1 isn't liking that so much. She is also very angry at the fact that it is no longer dark at her bedtime so she had started flying into a rage over being told it was time for bed (while still bright out), even though she is exhausted because now we are outside most evenings for walks/play in the garden.
Just when I thought life would be getting more enjoyable for us as a family (baby sleeping through, brighter evenings for activities etc), it's actually almost worse than ever!

[Gibbonsgibbonsgibbons]

Oh yes sitting at table etc def a real extra person (!!) & everyone probably makes a fuss over the baby for doing things DD1 does all the time too!

When we hit that stage I found a photo book of elder child as a baby showing them doing all the “first time” type things & showing they were cuddled/carried/fed etc just like baby helped. Also always calling baby “your little sister/brother”. Long chats about how every person we love makes a new well of love - separate but all infinite (even small children understand they love both mummy & daddy so maybe you can love them AND sibling)

The light evenings are HARD I hate clock change it always messes with my kids sleep for at least a week. Maybe a sticker on the clock to show when it’s bedtime - it’s not your decision it’s what the clock says? Or has baby’s bedtime changed at all in relation to DD1s?

Thinks will get better again - nothing stays the same!

[SnowdropFox]

Is she quite articulate? You could try a feeling board? Make it yourself with pictures of happy, sad, angry faces etc. Once she's calmed down ask her to show you how she was feeling, see if she can explain why. Say that when she's angry it makes you feel sad but when she talks and explains what's wrong it makes you happy. Easy in theory but might not work in practice!

[Littlehouseinthebigcity]

DH working upstairs in his office (dormer bungalow). Baby does a massive poo all up her back etc so I decide to give her a midday bath. Dd1 (2.5) isn't keen so I call it bath swimming and let her put on her costume. I haven't actually shut the stair gate and she races up the stairs to show daddy her peppa pig costume - and he's on a video call 🙈 Apparently they loved her

[Aurelia1313]

Hi, on the subject of the light nights we got a clock that you can set so it shows a sun during the waking hours and moon for sleep hours so its an easier conversation to have than something as intangible as time. You get a story book too that tells a story about how the clock works.
Have you tried the 'you're a special big sister' approach? Letting her help with special jobs to do with baby that baby wouldn't be allowed to do yet? Giving her more responsibilities/opportunities to achieve behaviour that you can praise for?
She is going through a massive change for someone so little, new baby, all her own developmental changes and lockdown. It's hard enough for us 'grownups'. My DD has had a distinct increase in tantrums since lockdown started, I think she feels like she's being punished but she doesn't know why.