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My stupidity and argument with my husband almost cost my 5 year old his life I cannot think of any way to make myself feel better about what happened

(20 Posts)
arabella07 Wed 05-Sep-07 20:08:48

I went to get my 5 year old son from school today with my 3 year old. 1 year old and my husband stayed at home. As we were walking back I saw that my husband and baby daughter had come to meet us. The kids played a bit on a grassy hill which made me a bit nervous as it is near a road but still fine. I am always nervous of this road as it is the one road we have to cross to get home and it is quite busy with cars driving relatively fast. In the past I have had to manage it with 5 year old, 3 year old walking and 1 year old trying to get out of the buggy. Anyway, my husband I get on alright but with a lot of you did this and you did that and that is your fault etc etc.... which is really detrimental to our quality of life I think. He was saying we should cross the road where it is safer because of how dangerous one spot on the road is. I handed him the baby in a sort of annoyed way because I had my son's school bags and coats and was I suppose annoyed that my husband had added the baby to the dilemma of crossing the road. He wasn't going to take her (this is our childish getting angry tit for tat coming through) so I sort of put her on him so he had to grab her. In this process his mobile fell on the floor (new mobile should I add) and he called me "stupid woman". This is not the first time he has called me names but not for a long time now. So I was angry about this and decided to cross the road somewhere else. I picked up my 3 year old (was also holding bags) and told my 5 year old to go with his Dad (why???? I can't think why I did this other than to have my sulky moment on my own). I turned round again and saw dh crossing road ahead of ds (he had not realised ds was going with him) and almost on the other side of the road. Then saw ds run across road to catch up with him right in front of a car. I screamed his name so loud and for so long that my throat is still hurting almost 5 hours later. The driver must have been very frightened because he stopped and hooted very loud and didn't move for a bit. Ds was crying but luckily not hurt. Dh said that I had turned my back on ds and sent him after him when he was already across the road but this is not true. It all happened so fast I don't really know what happened. Anyway I have more to say but kids have come upstairs and will write more later.

tribpot Wed 05-Sep-07 20:12:59

It must have been very, very, VERY scary for you and I really think it could have happened to any of us, trying to manhandle three kids across a busy road, laden down with stuff.

The main thing is, everyone is alright. That's the important thing to focus on. But when the dust has settled, it sounds like you and dh need to have a conversation about how you manage things without getting to these kind of stress points. (We all do, but ideally away from moving traffic ... )

UCM Wed 05-Sep-07 20:17:24

Oh bloody hell, nothing to add, but phewwwwwww. I know the feeling, complete frazzledness at times.

You poor woman. Just keep focusing on the fact that everything is ok, the kids are alright.

SpacePuppy Wed 05-Sep-07 20:20:01

I think you scored a "freebie" today. You got off lightly, but I'm sure next time you will be more cautious and leave your rows for when you get home. Don't beat yourself up over what could have gone wrong, instead be grateful you are all safe and maybe you should petition to get a pedestrian crossing at that road. good luck.

BBBee Wed 05-Sep-07 20:25:44

how scary - but these things do happen - everyone has their own version of this to tell I am sure. You thought DP was in charge of him, DP thought you were in charge of him. No-ones fault just a horrid and scary accident. You are upset but use it to plan how it won't happen again.

Tell DP it was an accident and neither of you are to blame.

You saw what was happening.
You shouted loud and he stopped.
He is okay.

Your actions in the situation (regardless of the lead up to it) were spot on.

leo1978 Wed 05-Sep-07 21:22:05

Poor you - I can imagine exactly the same happening with me and my DH - we fight like that in times of stress. Don't beat yourself up about it. Everyone's ok - that's all that matters.

Lauriefairycake Wed 05-Sep-07 21:28:02

You're not supposed to 'make' yourself feel better about this - this is what makes you a good parent the fact that you are pissed off with yourself - if you were crap you wouldn't care and you would just be blaming each other.

Take time to acknowledge what happened, and you and your husband sound like you're very very angry with each other. Sounds like you need to talk and maybe get some help ?

Try not to be too harsh on yourself and each other but also realise that this is a bit of a wake-up call.

llynnnn Wed 05-Sep-07 21:32:33

wow poor you and your ds and dh. it must've been awful for you all. Its scary to think that anything can happen in a split second of stress.
Try not to beat yourelf up about it, everyone is ok, just a little shaken. try to take todays events as a positive thing (i know, easier said than done) to push you and dh to try to resolve the issues

arabella07 Thu 06-Sep-07 07:05:23

Thing is BBBeee, he didn't stop when I screamed, he ran right out in front of the car and the car stopped and hooted very loudly so it must have really frightened the driver as well. Afterwards ds just kept on saying that I had told him to go with Daddy. He was totally oblivious to the fact that a car was coming and he is almost six.
I hadn't thought about petitioning for a pedestrian crossing SpacePuppy. A bit further down the road there is a traffic island (also scary but obviously better than no traffic island) but near this shortcut that people use to get to the school (but not a huge amount of people so I can't see them going for this idea) there is nothing. I am not going to walk the shortcut way again (dh might but then he will probably just have ds with him when he does that). I am even considering driving to go and get him (though school very close) because I won't then have the headache of crossing the road (even at the traffic island) with three hungry/unaware/sometimes misbehaving kids.
I really strongly felt yesterday, and I still do today, that if dh and I continue with our childish ego-centred arguments which yesterday proved to be so dangerous, then we should not be together. So yes, it was a wake up call. It's like I saw my ds almost die, and through my own inadequacy, absolutely horrible.

Ulysees Thu 06-Sep-07 07:13:33

Most people do have their version of something similar happenening, me included.
Also, a lot of us see parents who regularly cross busy roads with much younger kids in tow behind them, how they survive is beyond me?
Please concentrate on improving your relationship and put this behind you. Try not to get angry, take deep breaths count to 10 whatever works. You both have a lot to cope with having such small children.
I know everyone bangs on about counselling but have you tried it?
Also how much time as a couple do you get? Even if its just turning off tv and sitting with a candlelit meal. I know with a 1 year old this is difficult. Hope you do manage some time alone though.

SauerKraut Thu 06-Sep-07 07:24:48

It's an awful thing to keep reliving, but if it has affected your Dh as it has you, and made him realise the arguments just aren't worth it, then some good for your marriage might come from it.

OrmIrian Thu 06-Sep-07 07:58:37

Use this to start a dialogue with DH. I bet he was scared too and it might be a good time to talk about your problems.

BTW all arguments are ego-driven. And there will always be some rows. That's normal. But there is a time and a place for them and as you have discovered that isn't by the side of the road with 3 kids in tow grinDH and I try very hard not to row in front of the kids or out of the house. We present a united front then.

ghosty Thu 06-Sep-07 08:16:59

I agree with what everyone has said. You have had a big fright and maybe you have realised that this is a good time to take a closer look at why you argue like you do as it nearly caused a nasty accident. Don't brush it off as "Maybe we shouldn't be together" ... focus on the positive stuff that you do have and use that as a platform to work from.
DH and I are a happy couple but we are dreadful 'bickerers' (is that a word) when we are out and about ...
I actually prefer to go shopping or on long flights etc on my own with the children as we bicker so much. It's embarrassing really blush. I think the problem is, when we are together, travelling or in a busy shopping centre or near cars, I feel very stressed as we have had situations when I think he is watching the children and he thinks I am ... and then realised that one is lost (which is that same awful 'hole in your gut' type feeling).
If I am on my own I have to be in control and so therefore know where they are at all times ...
Does that make sense?
Perhaps you could agree with your DH to try to avoid situations where the bickering will arise for a while and see how that goes ...

lucyellensmum Thu 06-Sep-07 08:21:59

Poor you, that must have been really scary for you ALL of you. I think the tit-for-tat is more a symptom of you being tired and stressed rather than cracks in your relationship. I could be speaking out of turn here as i have only skim read the thread, but i dont think your DH is selfish, a bit hapless and thoughtless but not selfish. He did after all come to meet you at the school, so his intentions i daresay were good. I am speaking from experience re the tit fot tat as for a while now i have been the same with DP, its not us, we still love each other very much but we are KNACKERED, AND we only have one small child (another teenager though). You have a lot on your plate with three children to cope with. I think you should have a chat with hubby about the tit-for-tat situation, once DP and i recognised that we were at each others throats over nothing we took a step back, we still do it, but we can remind ourselves that it is because we are sooo tired and stressed.

Don't be too hard on yourself over what happened yesterday. Your Son is OK and will get over it long before you do These things happen, its not like you were chatting with your girly mates or anything like that (how often do we see that, women gassing on whilst their dc's are playing with the traffic) you were stressed out and you took your eye off the ball for a second. Thankfully all is well, i think you should take this opportunity to have a good talk with DH about things, i know you are angry with him, i suspect you are angry with yourself too (no need to be) and projecting that on DH a little. Is there any way that someone could have the children for you while you go for a walk,drink, coffee and get some time together. That is what i find helps with my DP, although we cant manage it very often, when we find things too much we do appreciate some time alone.

Hope you feel better today

LazyLinePainterJane Thu 06-Sep-07 08:22:50

I don't think it's anything other than normal (is it?) that your DS ran out towards his dad instead of looking to see cars coming.

bozza Thu 06-Sep-07 08:25:01

If no crossing what about a lollipop lady? Or school slow signs that flash menacingly?

arabella07 Thu 06-Sep-07 12:36:53

I know it's normal for him to have run towards his father. I didn't think dh would already be crossing the road. But it has further proved the point that an almost 6 year old has very little road sense other than staying on the pavement when they are with someone.
Thanks for your answers - I haven't broached the topic with dh yet and both of us are being civil if a little distant. I don't want to broach it in case he starts off on a long tirade about how it was my fault etc... I am not going to mention the tit for tat thing to him at the moment, as that will undoubtedly elicit a sarcastic response but I am just going to stop doing it (bite my tongue, buy a punchbag whatever) and see whether that leads to something better. We are both tired and stressed out it's true. Maybe it's true that he is a little hapless and thoughtless rather than selfish lucyellensmum, but he definitely (maybe not on this particular occasion) sometimes has the attitude that some things are only my problem - he does not participate AT ALL in bedtime on this basis for example. I think he is probably angry with me about some things (state of house, being over controlling sometimes) but then I sometimes feel like a housekeeper he is not all that fond of (eg. when he leaves the house in the morning with nothing nice said but just "is the cleaner coming today" and "could you sweep the front path").
Ghosty I agree with you about sometimes preferring to be just on your own if you are out and about as at least you are forced to have the whole situation in hand.
If this thing has taught me anything it is to be more buddha like (if possible!!!) and less egotistical and self-obsessed. Also that my priorities are my children and sorting out a nice life for them rather than having ridiculous disagreements with their father.
There couldn't be a lollipop lady at that point in the road as it is not used enough, but I think from now on I will always walk to the point in the road where the traffic island is. I took ds to school this morning and everything looked inoffensive and easy to deal with so hopefully that will continue. Might also drive if I have all three as at least then they will be contained in the car for the journey (albeit very short) home.

LazyLinePainterJane Thu 06-Sep-07 20:18:16

I think it is important that neither of you blame each other. You were both out with your children and both responsible for looking after them. I think it can be easy to blame someone but it would be unfair of your DH to throw the blame at you, as neither of you were paying full attention.

Hope it goes okay

startouchedtrinity Thu 06-Sep-07 20:37:14

What a horrible thing to happen. I'm not surprised you feel awful but don't beat yourself up. You sound like dh and I were until very recently (and still can be if we don't watch it) and ours are 5, 3 and 16 mo. I got to the point where I was ready to leave and I think it made both of us look at our thoughts and behaviour and make changes.

startouchedtrinity Thu 06-Sep-07 20:49:34

Sorry, posted too quickly, should have emphasised you shouldn't be blaming yourself at all, these things happen.

How about doing some road drill with ds?

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