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Wanting to start a family at a bad time

(21 Posts)
Emae26 Thu 13-Feb-20 21:41:01

Hi, I have no idea if I'm posting this in the right thread or not. My fiance and I have started to plan our wedding and have a date set for next June, we're currently living with my mum and he is finishing uni but recently we've both felt like we want to start a family. We know that it is not a great time to be thinking about this and that we are not really in the right situation but we both feel ready, not within our situation but in our heart (if that makes sense). I have friends that have said to me that if its what we want we should go for it because no one is ever really in the ideal situation with enough money ect, but part of me think that it's all a bit crazy and no matter how we feel we should just wait but I also don't wanna regret anything. I'd just like to see what situations other people have been in and just generally have some advice as to what other people have done/wish they had done because its definitely not a decision we want to take lightly

Growingboys Thu 13-Feb-20 21:51:02

How old are you?

Merrz Thu 13-Feb-20 21:56:38

People have babies in a lot more difficult situations and you just deal with it but personally i would wait, do you have any plans to get your own place? Yes there might never be the perfect time but i would at least want to have somewhere of your own to live 1st. Having a baby is the most precious thing you will probably ever go through but it's also really tough and it puts a lot of strain on a relationship and completely turns your world upsides down, I can't imagine it being a very pleasant experience if you are living with family and planning a wedding at the same time. We got a family home sorted, got married and had a couple years of us time before having our dc and 100% glad we did.

YakkityYakYakYak Fri 14-Feb-20 08:50:18

I felt ready to have a baby years before we actually did, I thought about it all the time and was getting quite impatient to get started. But we decided to wait until we had bought a house, were married and had both progressed a bit further in our careers. I’m really glad we waited because having a baby is stressful (and expensive!) enough and I think I would have found it too much to also be thinking about needing to save for a house/wedding. It also gave us a few years to enjoy just being the two of us.
Having said that, I was 30 when we started TTC and I might not have been so happy to wait if I was a few years older, so I think that’s a factor.

Ginfordinner Fri 14-Feb-20 08:57:31

You sound very young. What's the rush?
Babies aren't commodities. They are a massive commitment and responsibility - financially as well as emotionally. Unless you are approaching 40 is waiting a couple of years such a bad thing? Or is there a back story?

user1480880826 Fri 14-Feb-20 09:00:17

You should wait until you have your own place and financial stability. Legally you would also be better protected if you were married too.

Babies are very expensive. Have you researched childcare costs?

haveyoutriedgoogle Fri 14-Feb-20 09:05:07

There’s rarely a perfect time but there’s definitely a wrong one.
If your partner hasn’t yet finished uni (so assuming no job), you don’t have your own place and you’re not yet married (assuming you’re in England) then this is very much the wrong time.

4amWitchingHour Fri 14-Feb-20 09:06:46

We felt ready to have a baby for months before we started trying, wanted to wait until I'd finished my 6 month probation period at my new job - just wait until the circumstances are better, sounds like you are young and have plenty of time, and you know the point in the future where it will be easier - focus on wedding and finishing uni first

BendingSpoons Fri 14-Feb-20 09:07:17

How old are you? It sounds like if you wait a bit a lot of things will have changed: you will be married, your bf will hopefully have a job, maybe you will get your own place. Assuming you are relatively young, I think you should wait. For some people there is no right time, but for many there is a right time: when you have enough money and space.

Shmithecat2 Fri 14-Feb-20 09:09:38

Children are expensive and noisy. I suggest you get some money and your own place first.

Yehdivvy Fri 14-Feb-20 09:09:52

Not a good time, a friend of miner's wife got pregnant in his 2nd year at university & he quit to financially support them. He never finished his degree & has been in low income jobs ever since. A massive waste of talent imo, if they had waited 2/3 years to start a family he would be earning £50k+ now.

You can't be ready in your heads if you haven't got the right environment for your child. You're living with your mum, you don't have disposable income, no qualifications yet, you're not married & don't have your own space. Don't add a stressful situation like having a baby to this mix.

mindutopia Fri 14-Feb-20 10:03:58

Nope, I couldn’t imagine a more stressful way to start a life together. Children are hard work and exhausting and put a lot of strain on your relationship. Those early years are precious as a couple and you never get them back. They’re what keep you going through the really tough, boring years with young children.

Get married, enjoy your wedding, go travelling, live on your own together, finish uni and get good jobs and a good maternity pay for yourself and enjoy being together.

CherryPavlova Fri 14-Feb-20 10:07:39

I feel very strongly that the needs of the child come before a romantic dream of the parents. Wait until you’re in a better position to offer a child what it needs.
Plan and enjoy the wedding.
Wait until he has a job.
Find somewhere to live and experience life as a couple first.
Time enough to have a baby.

Toastytoes1 Fri 14-Feb-20 10:32:49

I’ve never liked the saying ‘there’s never a perfect time to have a baby’ because there most certainly are significantly better times to have a baby than others and there’s nothing wrong at all with trying to make sure you’re in the best possible position to reduce a lot of the stress that comes with having a baby anyway. My husband and I have been together 10 years this year but we both knew that we wanted to fully establish our careers, get married and have bought a house before we had a baby and yes, I’m not unaware that we have been extremely lucky that those things all fell into place exactly as we hoped they would and I know not many people are fortunate enough for that to be the case. But, saying that, as well as having a bit of luck on our side, we worked really hard for it too and it now means that our first baby is due next month and we don’t need to stress about how we’ll afford childcare or where we’ll live or if my career can survive me taking a bit of a step back for a while because we’ve already set out all of the foundations to make sure of those things so we can just enjoy our little girl when she arrives. Unless there is a particular reason to rush, I really do recommend taking the time to build a really solid foundation because it’ll make all the difference to how much you can enjoy your baby knowing you don’t have those other things to stress about.

GetUpAgain Fri 14-Feb-20 10:37:29

Being ready includes having a responsible attitude. You aren't quite there yet.

'Being ready in your heart' is bollocks, your heart can't change nappies or pay bills or juggle your career with parenting.

ToTravelIsToLive Fri 14-Feb-20 11:48:04

Feeling ready within your heart doesn’t pay the bills or keep a roof over your head. I hear so many people say just go for it the time is never right but they also won’t pay the bills. There will always be a reason not to but the reason to do it should be the right one and from what you have posted your reason to is not enough. Weddings often make you think about babies but they don’t have to be at once

ReallyLilyReally Fri 14-Feb-20 14:11:58

Echoing PP - just feeling ready doesnt make it the right time. I felt ready when i first moved in with DH. I was also 21, living paycheque to paycheque, renting in London and doing a job i hated. We waited another 5 years, got married, moved to the countryside, started strong, promising careers and bought a house. Then we had a baby. Yes, i spent 5 years wishing i was pregnant, but tbh that's definitely better than spending the next 5 (or 10, 15, 20) years wishing you'd waited.

Also, it would be a real dick move to have a baby while living with your mum - she already did her time with the sleepless nights and colic screaming, and she hasn't signed up for a second round!

firstimemamma Fri 14-Feb-20 14:15:46

I'd wait until you've got married and move out from living with your mum in your shoes op.

AnotherEmma Fri 14-Feb-20 14:19:18

How old are you?
Do you have a job?
What is your partner studying and when is he due to finish his studies?

As PPs have said there is no "perfect" time but there is certainly a good v bad time.

It would be sensible to wait until your partner has finished his studies and got a job, and the two of you have your own place.

Really123456 Fri 14-Feb-20 14:20:01

You shouldn't have a child unless everyone in the place you live is up for it. Obviously this is only referring to adults not talking about existing children (if you had any) . It's just not fair on others (i.e. your mum) to suffer wakings through the night whilst you play mummy and daddy.

oldfashionedtastingtea Fri 14-Feb-20 14:21:38

It doesn't sound like a responsible thing to do at the moment. You need to be able to be responsible parents before you start having kids.

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