DTS1(4) has always been a poor sleeper and suffered from utter meltdowns during the day, far more than his twin brother ever did, even during the terrible twos.
He had the D&V bug over Christmas and slept a lot; went to bed easily and slept till he was actually refreshed, maybe 7.30am ish. I didn't realise what a difference it made till he recovered and is back to his usual routine of fighting sleep at bedtime, then waking up too early in the mornings. He goes in a cycle of: wake up too early (say 5.30am), refuse to go back to sleep, get manic and hyper and silly, then by school time he's practically sobbing with tiredness. In the afternoons he's still tired - then he gets overtired by 5pm and manic and silly again - hence bedtimes can be hard work.
We had a whole term of this last year and when he woke up at 5.30 this morning and wouldn't go back to sleep I eventually lost it with him. I was so, so cross and tired, he was being silly again despite yawning his head off, and in the end I was screaming at him. Poor DTS2 woke up and sobbed too. I am just utterly tired and fed up of it and can't see how to change things; if he naps during the day (very rare) then he won't go to bed for hours.
It's affecting his life and ours, I don't think he can concentrate properly at school as he's tired, and his constant meltdowns are really wearing. He's invited to a classmate's birthday party soon and I don't know whether to take him, it's at a soft play which makes him hyper at the best of times, and I can't trust him not to have a meltdown/ get incredibly silly and manic/ start scratching and pushing at people, which he does when he gets too wound up. I still have to watch him like a hawk at playgrounds etc; as far as I know he hasn't done it at school, but I don't know if I want to risk it. But on the other hand how long can I not take him to parties etc? And it seems unfair to DTS2 who would be ok there, I couldn't take one and not the other.
He is a poor eater, always has been, we've tried various things for it but I wonder if that doesn't help (DTS2 is a great eater!).
Apologies for the long post, I am just at the end of my tether with tiredness, PMT and the knowledge that there will be a meltdown to cope with later 
I've spent most of this morning sobbing. I feel like such an awful mum but the DTs constantly squabble and bicker all the time too and I'm worn down by having to be constantly vigilant in case they physically go for each other. DP is incredibly lazy with them and I feel like it's all on me. Today is really a "I don't want to do this any more" day and I don't know where to go from here.
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Meltdowns from lack of sleep - both DS and me!
LucyLockwood · 13/01/2020 09:12
Thank you so much @ButtonandPickle19 - I do wonder if DTS1 has some sort of ADD going on too - although no idea if I'm right or if he's just being a normal 4yo with lots of energy! I can see that DTS2 is more aware of 'boundaries' (he will fight with his brother but no-one else) whereas DTS1 has less concept of personal space. I'm really worried about this party too, would hate for him to act up and all the other school mums to see him have a meltdown
You're right, boundaries really help; FIL is forever saying "oh just let him stay up a bit later, then he'll get up later" - nope!! I will try to make a GP appointment with him just to rule out any medical causes and perhaps ask for extra help. It's getting to me too now, I'm crying a lot and keep thinking it will only get harder for him if he can't learn now to stop being so manic. Thank you again x
Any help you can give would be amazing thank you @ButtonandPickle19! Yes, DTS1 will always be up at much the same time, it was lovely when he was under the weather and slept properly. With two the same age the silliness and overtiredness escalates very quickly, as you can imagine!
I feel really sorry for him as he loves to play with other children, but they don't enjoy it because he just gets too much for them unless he's very calm. And he is too quick to scratch/ push/ hit still too - I thought he'd grow out of it but not yet. When he was small the HV told us it was his way of communicating because his hearing and hence speech were poor, but I don't think it can be that now as he's had grommets fitted.
When he's calm and paying attention he is a sweet, kind, caring little boy but I just don't think the other DC (and their parents) see that side of him
@ButtonandPickle19 I love your DSS's chill out zone!! DTS1 doesn't have one but mainly because DTS2 (who is LOUD at the best of times) would only come along and say "WHY YOU IN THERE? COME AND PLAY! MUMMY, HE IN THERE!" and so on...... we don't have a very big house therefore not much opportunity for his own space.
We've had no internet either for a few days which is a right pain! Hopefully sorted properly tomorrow. Still no luck with the GP either, if all else fails I'll go in tomorrow or Wednesday rather than phoning. I worry that it sounds a bit petty but I'd rather rule out any medical causes and then if we have to look at anything else such as ASD at least I'll have started the ball rolling.
He has been slightly better these past few days and seems to understand the concept of waiting for his gro clock, even if not the actual practice! He nearly got run over today on a pedestrian crossing - he waited for the green man, set off, then I had to snatch him back as a woman driving towards us hadn't seen the lights change and did an emergency stop a couple of feet from him - we were both shaking and he kept saying "but I didn't do anything wrong Mummy!". Nearly broke my heart
Well, I thought DTS1 had actually been a bit better recently - not many meltdowns and been concentrating more - but this evening made me really sad. DP took DTS2 round to FIL's for a bit earlier - told me what a nice time they had. I went to the shops with DTS1, all good until DP had a few drinks and decided to tell me that FIL says DTS2 is "his favourite" - I said that isn't something you should say about your DGC - DP said "well he says DTS1 isn't a nice child, he's a bit sly, too much hard work for him and MIL." I was 
- asked if they don't want to have DTS1 round any more then? Oh no, that's not what they mean, but they very much prefer DTS2
(DP has no tact at the best of times - I'm not sure FIL knew he'd repeat the conversation to me - but still, I don't think FIL should have said it!)
Don't know where to go from here really, we literally have no other childcare apart from PIL, and all FIL will say is "I was only being honest" if I raise it with him. They only have the DC one afternoon a week anyway, it's not a massive commitment, but now I'll always be wondering if they actually want DTS1 there at all. I think I will be contacting the HV on Monday to see if they can offer any advice, because if his grandparents think that about him, it's made me very sad and worried about what other people think about him.
My poor, beautiful little boy. I pointed out that he is four years old and in need of help, not demonising, but don't think DP was listening...
Thank you for your replies @ReallyLilyReally and @RubaiyatOfAnyone 
I think you completely hit it Rubaiyat with DP not bothering as much because he doesn't bear the brunt of DTS1's behaviour. He gets annoyed/ frustrated etc when DTS1 doesn't behave the way he wants him to but puts zero effort into helping him understand why this is wrong: why he should use his kind hands, why he should take turns, why he shouldn't run away from adults when we're out and about, etc etc. And he is still sticking both DTs in front of screens rather than actually interacting with them. Grrrr.
I haven't decided yet how to tackle the favouritism or the issues with DP (am full of a streaming cold at the moment and my brain isn't on top form!) but I just loathe it. When I thought about it I realised that DTS1 has probably aware of it already; DTS2 loves going to PIL but often DTS1 will say he wants to stay with me/ stay at home/ go to the park instead. (He is fine when he does stay, just doesn't enjoy it as much as DTS2 and never asks to go!)
I spoke to our HV today about an assessment for him, we're going to wait till after parents' evening at school this week and go from there, I want to see if his teacher raises any issues. The HV gave me a pretty standard talk about all DTs (and indeed DC) being different, what's normal for one isn't for another etc... but it's precisely because DTS2 is NT that I have something to compare DTS1 to and realise that perhaps he could do with extra help in some areas...
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