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Bridesmaids - 3 weeks after I’m due first baby?

(122 Posts)
Whatelsecouldibecalled Fri 03-Jan-20 10:47:55

Sorry not sure if this is the right place! Just need some perspective.

I’m supposed to be a bridesmaid for a close friend 3 weeks after I’m due my first baby. I told her at the time she asked me to be bridesmaid that I could be pregnant/have a small baby she said it was fine. I told her again very early on in pregnancy and have mentioned it since. Both times she said she really wants me to be bridesmaid rather than just in the crowd.

Baby is an ivf baby so hospital have said I won’t go over my due date. So at the very least I have 21 days to sort my shit out to be able to attend the wedding.

Wedding is 2.5 hour drive away. We have a fully recline car seat rather than small pushchair one but will stop a few times enroute. Will involved staying on the Friday at one hotel. Then staying at the wedding venue on the Saturday night. So will have room on the day on Saturday to retire to as and when. I’m planning on formula feeding and so was going to take ready ready made milk and use cold water steriliser. Pram we have bought has a carry cot suitable for over night sleeping so baby can sleep in there. My husband is coming with me so can have baby when I’m doing bridesmaid duties or take him out if fussy etc. I’m worried about still bleeding after birth/nipples leaking/generally feeling shit but I feel like I need to make an effort for my friend.

Please tell me I’m not totally mad for considering it??

What else do I need to consider and prepare for to make this work? Totally clueless first time mum to be!

Thank you

mindutopia Fri 03-Jan-20 10:55:52

Honestly, no I wouldn’t do it. I had a super easy home birth with my first, all very straightforward, and I definitely would not have been ready to go to a wedding with a 3 week old. You may still be bleeding heavily, leaking milk depending on how your body copes, and recovering from major surgery. If it wasn’t an overnight, it might be manageable, but I can’t imagine much worse that a whole day of bridesmaid duties and then being up all night with a crying baby in a hotel room. At that age, both of mine still needed to be held to sleep, so one of us often sat up during the night with them while the other slept and then we switched off in the middle of the night. You’ll be exhausted and probably in a lot of pain and it’s not likely you’ll have a baby who sleeps in a carrycot with no fuss.

If your friend is keen, you could always keep your options open, but make sure it won’t ruin things if you need to pull out the week before. Make sure everything you book is refundable.

BlueCowWonders Fri 03-Jan-20 10:58:16

Just don't! Look up the 'fourth trimester' and give yourself 12 weeks til you commit to anything for anyone other than you and your little baby...
Emotions/ hormones/ new body shape etc will be a huge pressure both before and after the birth.
Good luck!

SleepingStandingUp Fri 03-Jan-20 11:00:39

I'm 3 weeks post C Sec today op. I think with proper support it's doable.

What are your duties on the morning? Will you have baby with you? You need to make sure you take a tin of Babygrows, Vests, and nappies.

Besides basic duties sit parked with baby, don't share and rest. Make DH do any additional running around, lifting etc.

Nipple pads - material ones might fare better than disposable ones. Good maternity pads. Big pants

Tableclothing Fri 03-Jan-20 11:02:13

What else do I need to consider and prepare for to make this work

The possibilities that you may be
- recovering from major abdominal surgery
- unable to comfortably sit on a normal chair
- incontinent
- not have had more than 2 hours continuous sleep for 3 weeks
- in the throes of PND/PNA

Obviously, I hope none of the above happen to you, and it is clearly very important to you to support your friend at her wedding. However, I wouldn't book anything you aren't prepared to cancel, and don't beat yourself up if you don't feel able to attend.

2020yeah Fri 03-Jan-20 11:04:45

I went to a wedding with a 3 week old, I had a fourth degree tear during labour and DD was a bad sleeper. I was supposed to be a bridesmaid but declined. I'm glad I did - I was exhausted, sore, still a blobby mess esp compared to the other bridesmaids. Couldn't wear heels due as my SPD hadn't fully resolved. Still bleeding a bit. Went to bed at 11.

mencken Fri 03-Jan-20 11:05:12

anyone old enough to get married needs to get real. Her frilly frock party isn't that important. Tell her that you hope to be there but cannot guarantee it, so if that's not acceptable (which is sort of fair enough) then you'll drop out now.

if she starts chucking the toys then definitely drop out. And no 'duties' - the girl can put her own knickers on, bridesmaids don't need to do any more than decorate the photos.

MrsBungle Fri 03-Jan-20 11:07:19

I was a bridesmaid 3 weeks after having dd. The wedding was 300 miles away in Scotland and I had a crap birth. It was fine though. Dh had baby during the ceremony and photos. We took her pram and she slept a lot. The dress was a pain the arse with breast feeding and I did draw the line when the photographer wanted us all running toward the camera! It was all fine though. I liked showing off baby and seeing everyone. I had a horrible pregnancy with hyperemesis and spent weeks in hospital so tbh I felt like I was alive again after having dd and liked being normal again.

simplekindoflife Fri 03-Jan-20 11:10:24

Everyone is different, it's impossible to say, but 3 weeks is a bit ambitious!

With my first, I barely left the house for 3 weeks after a traumatic, complicated c-section and a reflux unsettled baby. I was bleeding heavily and I struggled to breastfeed. I was an emotional wreck!

With my second, I could've done it. Just! But it wouldn't have been pretty... I lived in big knickers and baggy clothes for the first few weeks.

It's impossible to say how you'll feel and what kind of birth you'll have. You can only say maybe...

SproutMuncher Fri 03-Jan-20 11:11:33

One of my bridesmaids was due 3 weeks before my wedding - although she had a planned section so we knew when baby would come. Even if they induce you at term (is that the plan?), it can take a few days.

It worked really well for us as it happens, but as the bride I knew she might not be able to come and she was under no pressure to do so.

I think whether it is doable depends on how flexible the bride is willing to be. Will she understand if you have a horrible birth and are in no state to travel? I could barely walk 3 weeks after giving birth. Hopefully you’ll recover quickly, lots of women do, but you don’t know this.

Getting there is one thing, but also I would ask her what is expected of you on the day. I said to mine that if she didn’t need to do anything. If she could walk down the aisle, great, but if baby needed a feed then she could sit it out. Likewise photos etc, if she could then great but she didn’t need to. As it happens she did everything, but it really does depend on baby.

Does she want you to get ready with her in the morning? Can you take baby to that? You don’t know how you’ll feel about even a few hours away from baby. I know your husband is capable of looking after him or her but have a think about if you’re comfortable.

What is the bridesmaid dress like? I got a 2 birds one for mine so it is one size and can be done in a way with easy access to boobs (I know you’re bottle feeding but if you’re leaking or something). You don’t know what size you will be or want the Pressure of fitting into a corset dress!

Will the bride be expecting you to stay late? You may well be absolutely knackered and want to go home after the meal. Also if there a band or DJ in the evening, it might be too loud for baby.

Is there a quiet room at the venue you or your husband can go to with baby if they get fractious?

Are you comfortable if lots of people want to hold the baby? A sling can help deter people from wanting cuddles.

My advice would be you can aim to go but you can’t commit to go as there are too many unknowns. Her wedding is no less important to her because of your lovely news, so I think the main thing is don’t mess her around (I’m sure you wouldn’t), and be realistic. You sound like you really want to make the effort to be there which is fantastic, but 3 weeks post partum you do have to think of yourself.

Most importantly, congratulations on the pregnancy flowers

Perid0t Fri 03-Jan-20 11:12:27

You’re brave darling. 3 weeks post having a baby I was still sweating buckets all night, not sleeping, leaking breast milk and bleeding from my bits. I was also recovering from a c section and lost a lot of blood so couldn’t even stand for long periods.

Tbh I’d say see how it goes. If you have a straight forward birth with no stitches you could be fine. But I’d warn your friend you may drop out last minute.

Shahlalala Fri 03-Jan-20 11:13:38

I wouldn’t if I’m honest.
My first was a real shock to me and I was still in pyjamas at three weeks. We didn’t have a good labour and she fed (bf) constantly at that stage too.
My second had allergies and screamed blue murder whenever lying down or in the car. Months in I still wouldn't be able to travel that far with him.
If it was closer I would do it for a bit of the day, but not be bridesmaid.

Drum2018 Fri 03-Jan-20 11:13:50

Not a chance. If you plan on breastfeeding you need to be free to feed on demand, which won't work if baby is screaming as you walk up the aisle. You could end up having a c section or episiotomy/stitches which can leave you sore, so it wouldn't be ideal to be bridesmaid so soon afterwards. It's nice that your friend wants you to be bridesmaid but this is no longer just about her. You need to put yourself and baby first and just tell her it's not practical. Then you won't have to stress in the lead up to the wedding. If she cannot understand then she's not much of a friend.

SproutMuncher Fri 03-Jan-20 11:14:54

Oh and in terms of a hotel room with baby, yes cold water steriliser and ready made formula will work really well. They’re actually really portable at that age! I used a steriliser bag when I took mine away, albeit a few weeks older.

OnlyFoolsnMothers Fri 03-Jan-20 11:17:52

NO WAY...ok its probably a little easier if you are formula feeding as your partner can take on some night shifts in the run up to the wedding. But to me, given all you could be experiencing (exhaustion, emotions, - perhaps a baby with colic)...I just wouldnt. Its a lot to ask of a new parent.

Shookethtothecore Fri 03-Jan-20 11:21:01

Absolutely not. I’ve had 3 children and there’s no way I would entertain the idea

OhWellThatsJustGreat Fri 03-Jan-20 11:24:02

If you think you can do it go for it. You might find that you can do it.

3 weeks after having my son I probably could have attended a wedding, I'm one of the lucky ones, easy birth, easy baby.
But I wouldn't have been able to be a bridesmaid, everything set me off and I cried a lot for the first 4 weeks.

Congratulations on the baby and good luck whatever you chose to do.

Weathergirl1 Fri 03-Jan-20 11:30:01

As others have said, you might be fine, you might not. Personally I was out and about a week after an ELCS (I needed to for my own mental health!) but kept getting comments that people were surprised we were out with DS so young (he went to pre-dinner drinks for a friend's birthday at 2+2!) and how good I looked at this stage (again, was slouching at home but getting dressed up to leave the house).

The only thing for me that would have made a wedding probably unworkable was breastfeeding/pumping but as you've said you're not planning to do that I'd have thought you'd be okay. By three weeks, I'd have thought you would have time to get your milk to dry up (happy to be corrected by someone who has done this though!) so shouldn't be leaking. If you lose blood you may be really tired though (I lost 750ml) we had to limit one thing per day (shopping trip, appointments, etc) as it wiped me out.

Theholidayarmadillo4 Fri 03-Jan-20 11:30:36

You might be able to do it... I still had swollen legs at that point and was bigger than I had been at the end of pregnancy with the swelling. I was also back in hospital with an infected c section scar. However, a close friend of mine was a bridesmaid two weeks after her baby was born and she was totally fine. Would your friend mind if you dropped out last min? I might say be a bridesmaid but very much just turn up and be in photos rather than put too much pressure on yourself to do lots of things.

8by8 Fri 03-Jan-20 11:33:35

I think you need to be clear that you’re planning to do it, you’re making all the arrangements, but it might not be possible.

At 3 weeks after my first I was doubly incontinent, bleeding heavily, breaking out into massive crying jags for no reason, and so tired I could barely talk.

Other people bounce back much quicker.

All depends on how the birth and recovery goes tbh.

Whatelsecouldibecalled Fri 03-Jan-20 12:17:29

Thanks all very valuable input. I’m going to talk to friend ASAP and just try to manage expectations. She did say she wanted me to get ready with her in the morning. DH is having baby. He is fab and I know he will be fine. Other than that she hasn’t mentioned any other duties. But will chat. Think you’re all right need to be clear with her that with all the will on the world it might not happen

WorldsOnFire Fri 03-Jan-20 12:19:17

I’d be careful hun.

As a first time mum (I am too 🎉) you don’t know what’s in store. Everybody’s experience is different. People will tell you they were tap dancing through Europe a week after birth, others will have been in ICU - neither of those give you any insight to how you will feel physically or mentally.

I’m due before Easter and declined a family group holiday 5 hours drive away for early June. I’m sure they all thought I was being precious but I don’t care 👍🏻 It didn’t want it hanging over me whilst I was recovering/ learning to be a mum and establishing a routine.

I understand you want to be there for your friend but I’d be considering the following;

-Is your friend a mum? Does she understand that you might need to drop out last minute/the actual practicalities of what your body will have gone through?
- Is it a big fancy wedding they’ve spent £25k+ on and are likely to get quite stressed and intense about closer to the time?
- Will you care as much about ‘being there’ for this friend when you’ve got a brand new (I’m guessing much longed for) baby and a million hormones rushing around? Or will you go into your own little euphoric bubble?
- Have you got a plan in place for managing family...etc in those first couple of weeks? You may find they’re quite busy and you’re already sleep deprived.

I would worry that the biggest event of your life and (especially if she’s not a mum yet) the biggest event of hers are going to happen in such close proximity that if it goes well it will be amazing but if goes badly could cause serious damage to your friendship.

Only you really know though OP so do what you feel is right xx

MirandaWest Fri 03-Jan-20 12:21:51

With DD I’d have been fine. With DS I wouldn’t have been.

When I was 3 weeks old I went to my aunt’s wedding; it was in London and we lived in Leeds. I was very good apparently and my parents loved showing me to everyone.

ChicCroissant Fri 03-Jan-20 12:23:53

She did say she wanted me to get ready with her in the morning.

I doubt you are going to want to leave a newborn for the morning, never mind the recovery process you'll still be going through. It's a no from me as well, I take it the bride hasn't been through this herself?

mummyh2016 Fri 03-Jan-20 12:29:48

It completely depends on how the birth and recovery goes. I could've done it, I'd have been tired don't get me wrong but I couldn't wait to get out after giving birth.

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