Lost it with challenging dd and smacked

[ineedakickandagin]

Hello,
I have had the worst night of my parenting life.
I smacked my child and I can’t see a way back from this line.
My daughter is very challenging, we fled domestic abuse and her dad dragged me through family court twice whilst stalking etc. Coercive control. Ptsd. . I fought, but court is very black and white and contact increased with him.
Daughters behaviour deteriorated, weeing and smearing, attacking me biting pulling hair, extreme oppositional behaviour but now she’s 8, she speaks so awfully, I don’t speak to her like that and she literally shouts at me and orders me about. Laughs at me if I cry.
She doesn’t sleep.
I used to be her safe place. Now I’m not because I smacked her and she hates me. And I hate myself.
She has been refusing to wear pyjamas to bed, our routine is I get into bed with her to read, then we lie down and I stay until she is asleep. But she was lying on me, getting her bottom on me and I was calmly saying about personal space and how it’s inappropriate to get bare bottoms on people and when someone says they don’t like it you should stop. But she does it more, hits me, kicks and carries on. I remove myself, she does the usual growling and ordering me to open the door an a specific angle which is never correct. She jumps out of bed and pulls out my hair, shouts to do the door, I calmly say we need kind words but she shrieks. I feel like I felt with her dad, the behaviour is so like him. I trigger. I smack her on her back.
I hate myself I am a disgusting mother. Everything is ruined.

Her dad now doesn’t want to see her due to her difficult behaviour. So I get no break.

Families in focus, on list for cahms, etc. Asking a lot for help. But resources stretched.
All through the abusive relationship and court, my worst fear was I’d lose her, ( he threatened to take her, or to commit suicide with her) and now I have lost her through my own actions. She will never trust me again.
I’ve done all the parenting courses. I’ve read all the books. I had a happy safe childhood. It breaks my heart that I can't replicate that for her.




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[DivGirl]

Everything is not ruined. Be kind to yourself.

Your situation sounds so incredibly difficult, and I think there are very few people who wouldn't have done the same (probably before now) given the same circumstances.

You definitely need a break though - is there any family who could take her? Anyone at all, even just for a weekend.

[ineedakickandagin]

Thankyou for replying. My brother had her for the day yesterday while I worked, and he is usually patient and fun with her, but even he was glad to hand her back. She'd trashed the house and cut her hair off, he said he had to stand outside of the front door to calm down.

[Wildorchidz]

How is she in school?

[Wildorchidz]

And when did you leave your abuser?

[ineedakickandagin]

She's very oppositional in school, but can hold it together some of the time. She can't cope with demands or direct requests/ orders. She won't wear uniform and often wears pyjamas to school. She's very bright but way behind now.

We left when she was three, had a wonderful year then the abuse started with stalking, family court and bullying. Contact started at a contact centre then progressed to weekends.

[thenyoushallbegintoclimb]

I'm surprised that no-one has made a referral to Social services about an 8 year old girl who is urinating where she shouldn't as well as smearing.
Do you think she is being sexually abused OP?

[Girliefriendlikespuppies]

Has she got a diagnosis of anything? Her behaviour sounds extreme and I'm not surprised you reacted.

You're not perfect (none of us are!) and there's no point in beating yourself up. You need support, can you contact social services or your GP and say you're at breaking point?

[RickOShay]

Please be kind to yourself, you have been through so much, and you need your strength still.
I don’t blame you for smacking her. You haven’t ruined everything, you need to keep your boundaries strong for BOTH of you. You aren’t helping either of you by letting her order you about. It may not feel like it but she needs you to be in control.
I agree that outside help would be very useful. Have you contacted Early Help? They were fantastic for me and my dd. What about your parents?
Reach out, and stand your ground.
for you lovely.

[ineedakickandagin]

Thankyou for your kind replies, they have me in tears, compassion where I feel no compassion for myself.

I call social services regularly, we went through early help- it was a parenting course. There's not much else practical they can offer at the moment.
We're on the waiting list for cahms. Sensory at school is observing her so we can try to get an ehcp and maybe diagnosis.
No I don't thinks she's being sexually abused, the naked bum stuff is done because she knows I find it hard to ignore it.

I'm a competent parent, I have strong basic boundaries and know my stuff and what works ehich is therapeutic parenting. I don't let her boss me about but holding the boundary means an epic meltdown panic attack for her atm.
But I'm totally burned out.

[ineedakickandagin]

*senco not sensory

[Madaboutthem2]

Hiya! She is definitely going through some stuff. I would honestly say don't feel guilty because she was hit. It's not like you are pinching her,abusing her etc. Children need discipline sometimes. I had the odd tap on the leg as a child. I didn't misbehave once that happened. It taught me to respect and listen to my parents.

It sounds like she is struggling emotionally etc. I've noticed my daughter sometimes laughs when I am cross and I realised it was because I had lost my rag and really she needed a hug. I don't have any advice other than reward systems. One on one time. Consequences. Take something from her when she's really bad. Stick to your guns with things. I'm sure you do all this anyway. It sounds rough. She will improve I expect. You both probably need some therapy or counciling. Something to look forward too aswel. I hope it gets better. Keep going xx

[RickOShay]

Have you got any kind of support?
Family or friends? Do you have time just to think your own thoughts?
Does your brother have her regularly?
Can you talk to him?
Just keep going. You will get there. Try and find some time for yourself and never doubt yourself, she will feel safer if you are safe inside iyswim.