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Telling your child to hit back

(116 Posts)
Mamabear1988 Thu 28-Nov-19 21:13:59

So I just saw a post on facebook about telling your child to hit someone back if they hit them. I find the comments a bit shocking - things like punch the little shit harder, knock them out etc.

So who here tells there child to hit back?
Maybe I'm over reacting but it just doesn't sit right with me at all, I would never encourage my boy to be violent. What's the general consensus?

areyouafraidofthedark Thu 28-Nov-19 21:17:26

If any of my children got hit for no reason of course I'd tell them to hit back.

unsure111 Thu 28-Nov-19 21:18:06

I wouldn't encourage it but once at a child friendly restaurant my daughter was constantly being hit in the stomach by another child and she did it about 5 times and the parents could see it as well in the end I said if she does it again hit her back. The girl went and told her mum and dad and the dad came over to me standing above me shouting at me 🤷‍♀️. The kid should of kept her paws to herself then!

PorpentinaScamander Thu 28-Nov-19 21:18:19

I'm the same OP. I've never told my DC to hit back. Doesn't seem right to me.

lpchill Thu 28-Nov-19 21:18:41

Waiting and watching with popcorn.

I'm in scouting and a youth worker and do understand when parents tell there kids to fight back. Schools can massively fail to protect young people from bullying. With the bullies having little or no consequences. It's annoying in my line of work when they are told this but at least I know they are the kids to have issues with most bullying. The issue then lies when these young people get older and simply have no other tools to help when being bullied and times get tough.

Mum2jenny Thu 28-Nov-19 21:19:07

Me too, if any of my dc were hit for no obvious reason, I’d tell them to hit back.

PorridgeAgainAbney Thu 28-Nov-19 21:22:33

I used to go with telling him to find an adult rather than hitting back but then he got hurt several times by the same child and nothing was done. I felt like I was showing him that I was supporting the other child more than him by saying he shouldn't retalliate so now I've changed it to "if they hit you once, tell. If it happens again, hit back as hard as you can, then tell."

Doingitaloneandproud Thu 28-Nov-19 21:23:00

I tell my son to hit back, if someone hits him for no reason he's to hit back but harder. Thankfully he's never had too but then again he's only in primary so who knows one day he may need too

june2007 Thu 28-Nov-19 21:23:31

So your teaching them that fighting is the answer??/ Yes that's going to work. What about when there older, he has a knive so I better get one incase I get attacked. It,s the same theory.

fallfallfall Thu 28-Nov-19 21:23:35

Of course they need to know how and when to hit back; both boys and girls get assaulted and on one level need to know how to defend themselves.

meditrina Thu 28-Nov-19 21:23:38

Everyone has the right to self defence.

But if the assailant is bigger, stronger, a more skillled/experienced fighter, then the chances of losing to them (if it comes to a fight) are uncomfortably high. Which would make your DC's position even worse.

Some sort of unexpected response, which surprises assailant and gives opportunity to get away to place safety and report to suitable authority, is way preferable

Allusernamesalreadyused Thu 28-Nov-19 21:24:05

Way I look at it is if you are brave (stupid) enough to hit someone first then you better man up and take the hit back. Simple economics. Has worked against intimidating bullies in my child's class. Bully need to be stood up to. All this discussion and namby pambying is encouraging a culture of bully's winning IMO. My children know if they ever ever hit first they will be in big trouble but if someone hits then, then hit back ONCE, make sure it's hard and teach that child a lesson. Has workedsmile

shirleyschmidt Thu 28-Nov-19 21:24:21

I'd always tell mine to hit back, harder.

YourEggnogIsBetterThanMine Thu 28-Nov-19 21:24:35

First hit, tell a teacher. Second hit, they can hit them back as hard as they can.

Boots20 Thu 28-Nov-19 21:24:44

Depends on the situation and what age the kids are. I mean of a kid hit my child let's say at primary school then I would want my kid to alert an adult immediately and let the teacher teach the other child why hitting is wrong. If my kid was being bullied though say in secondary school or whatever age bullying tends to take place and it was being done with no way for my kid to alert an adult there and then (say on the walk home from school/on the bus/street)...I would want him/her to defend themselves especially if they were hit first. Do no harm but take no shit is my motto

Bingowingslikeashieldofsteel Thu 28-Nov-19 21:24:57

The problem with telling them to hit back is that they then equate hitting back/retaliating with self defence and actually it's far from it. In little children hitting back is effective in that it showed the original hitter they're not going to take it and generally will make the behaviour toward them stop.

When they get older though and circumstances get more complicated hitting back is probably the least effective way to handle a situation. Remove yourself from the situation, raise the alarm, stop the person from hitting you are all perfectly good responses. All hitting back will ever do is escalate the situation.

All well and good if the initial hit back stops it, unfortunately as they get bigger it's more likely to just lead to two scrapping who will then both be in trouble.

Boots20 Thu 28-Nov-19 21:27:12

*So your teaching them that fighting is the answer??/ Yes that's going to work.

@june2007 what's the alternative, lie down and take a beating......

Ylvamoon Thu 28-Nov-19 21:28:21

I wouldn't encourage my children to hit, but after DD was badly bullied at primary school by one child (pulling hair, making her trip,...) and school being useless (luck of evidence) I am now telling my kids... you don't start it, but you can finish it! If I know, there are issues, I'd fully support then facing consequences if they decide to hit back.
And surprise surprise, once DD retaliated, the bullying did stop. Sadly, with some kids there is no reasoning, other than a but of their own medicine.

MrsBricks Thu 28-Nov-19 21:29:31

I would always defend myself. I want my children to know they can defend themselves too.

Though I suggest they push the aggressor away from them as hard as they can and run to find an adult.

june2007 Thu 28-Nov-19 21:31:42

No Boots but if your seen to be up for a fight then it may well get worse.

Grobagsforever Thu 28-Nov-19 21:32:07

My daughter has been hit or grabbed by the boys in her class. She's 9. I tell her to hit back as hard as she can, because I'm not an apologist for male violence

Mamabear1988 Thu 28-Nov-19 21:33:56

Wow it's sad that there are so many stories of children being bullied and hurt :-(
I guess we all deal with things differently which is why I'm asking opinions :-)

gypsywater Thu 28-Nov-19 21:34:01

My partner was taught hit back as hard as you can and we will also buy you a Playstation game! His dad also taught him how to fight...if ever needed. Even today at age 31 he takes zero shit and communicates that he is no nonsense without having to say a word.

Mamabear1988 Thu 28-Nov-19 21:35:03

Unsure 111
That's terrible! No wonder the child was like that if that's how the dad was :-/

TheRightHonerable Thu 28-Nov-19 21:37:10

A lot of adult/child scenarios can be morally understood better by reversing the ages.

If somebody came up to you in the street and started to physically assault you. Would you defend yourself?

If a young woman were attacked would you tell her not to fight back and ‘talk’ to her assailant?

If a man was intentionally tripped over would you tell him to just stay down and let it happen?

No- I’m a pretty ‘left liberal’ type when it comes to violence but so many parent seem illogical when it comes to this.

Teaching children to defend themselves is not the same as teaching children to be aggressive.

If you actively tell your children not to defend themselves - you are raising victims.

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