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I am a bad first time mum

(29 Posts)
bumbly Thu 16-Aug-07 09:15:58

LO today 27 days old...

yesterday was my first "really" bad day with him...he was crying and I was trying to make sure he had a bigger gap between meals (he feeds every two hours since birth!)

so i suddenly saw myself getting pretty angry at him and raising my voice with questions like "what is wrong with you?"

so i thought ok calm down and go in kitchen and sterilise bottles for half an hour

hearing him wailing next door meant he wasn't hurting himself etc and was fine except for the crying (he was not hot/cold and had clean nappy i add)

did i do the wrong thing to go away and let him cry for half an hour while i collected myslef together again??

my mom told me babies who are in a crying fit (yes he was in one) can suffer form oxygen depravation!

argh!! she does constsntly critisie my ways but did i really do some damage to him???

do other mumsnet folk leave LOs for a bit

i am always there for him when he cries but surely once or twice I am allowed to vent my tears and anger...esp since not had a break since the birth!

today i look at him in a different light - sometimes thinking "you are truly gorgeous" - othertimes - "my oh my i have got years of this ahead!"

argh!!!

3Ddonut Thu 16-Aug-07 09:19:30

I would say that you did absolutely the right thing, I would advise you to let him cry somewhere safe if you felt that angry. You are only human (and a sleep deprived human at that) you are going to have 'bumps in the road'you love your son and would never hurt him but it doesn't protect you from feeling so angry when he won't stop crying. Your Mum is being harsh. You haven't got 'years of this ahead' it will settle soon, he's still very small, at about 6 weeks everything seems to settle really well. Good luck, you are not a bad Mum you are a good Mum and you're doing a great job.

sugarfree Thu 16-Aug-07 09:23:11

Firstly,we've all been there and some of us didn't last as long as 27 days.
As I see it you have 2 choices,buy a sling and keep him with you.
Put up with the wailing,he won't have oxygen deprivation from screaming.
I wouldn't try to stretch his feeds tbh,it honestly won't last for ever.
Don't be sad though you sound entirely normal(as does he) to me.

lilymolly Thu 16-Aug-07 09:24:12

Ahh sweetie, dont worry, you are a fab mum.
We ALL shout at some point, dont worry. As for leaving him, well maybe not ideal, but you did what you did to calm yourself down and gain some composure. I have done it myself too.
No you did not damage him, take no notice of your mum, take no notice of her criticism, ask her for help, not advice.
Try and get a break for a few hours, I take it you are not BF?
Ask for help, and Don't worry

sugarfree Thu 16-Aug-07 09:24:36

PS.When the wailing got really bad,I used to go somewhere I couldn't hear it for 5 minutes.

bumbly Thu 16-Aug-07 09:25:41

just so worried i could have harmed him as i was asking him why he was crying so..

but i keep telling myself that by stopping i actually did the best thing - remove myself from stressful sit and have breather

now got my mom saying half an hour of leaving an infant to cry loudly is very bad in terms of him breathing getting oxygen etc...

bumbly Thu 16-Aug-07 09:26:24

lilly - no am not bf - how can you tell?

bumbly Thu 16-Aug-07 09:27:23

yes first time 30 min perhaps too much - will do it only for few mins from now on...but i guess am adjusting to parenthood etc

lilymolly Thu 16-Aug-07 09:27:53

Oh nothing sinister, you mentioned getting bottles?

Not a criticism at all, just makes getting some peace a little easier

cluelessnchaos Thu 16-Aug-07 09:28:18

I agree with Sugarfee, dont put so much pressure on yourself to stretch the feeds out, every two hours is fine at 4 weeks, all of mine were surgically attached until 6 weeks, give it another two weeks and the feeding may lengthen itself, you are doing great and be strong dont listen to any criticisms from mum or MIL.

sugarfree Thu 16-Aug-07 09:28:25

Is he nice and pink this morning?
Then you didn't deprive him of oxygen.
Honestly,people tell you all sorts and when you are new to this lark ,you do tend to listen more than normal.
Maybe your Mum would like to come round next time he gets to you like this so you can have a breather?
Far more useful than criticising from the sidelines IMO.

lilymolly Thu 16-Aug-07 09:28:55

My dd also went 2 hours between Bf and about 3 hours with ff

bumbly Thu 16-Aug-07 09:29:35

thanks lilly - doh of course mentioned bottles - was just curious ...

yes one good think re ff (after failing on bf) is one hubby can do it but also you can go away for a while......

iyswim

3Ddonut Thu 16-Aug-07 09:30:55

The first six weeks are hard but it honestly gets sooooo much better, my dd is just 14 months and hearing her start to talk and walk and wave and clap and pulling funny faces, you can't imagine how much fun and how funny they are even at such a young age. You'll get there, you're doing fine, as other people have said, we've all been there. (and we're here with you now!)

lilymolly Thu 16-Aug-07 09:32:31

I agree totally, dd is 19 months, and she is hilarious!!!!! but hard work, looking back know the first 6 months where easy peasy

bumbly Thu 16-Aug-07 09:33:58

guilty feelings all over - they say enjoy this first few moment...but then you have these feelings of

oh my god when do i get a break??!!!

harleyd Thu 16-Aug-07 09:35:50

you did absolutely the right thing, dont beat yourself up about it. there will be times you feel pushed to the limit but dont see that as a failing. talk to your mum and tell her that you feel like she is critisizing you. and try to give yourself a break during the day, even if its just sitting on your front doorstep for 10mins when your baby is sleeping x

pipsqueeke Thu 16-Aug-07 09:37:40

(((hugs)))

you won't have harmed him at all - you are doing a fantastic job and the right things if/when you do feel yourself getting heated then put the LO somewhere safe go to the kitchen make a cup of tea and come back in after breathing deeply and counting to ten.

re the feeding bit - not too sure how FF works but with DS I fed when ever he cried pretty much (roughly every 2 hours) have you thought of a dummy at all? (not everyone's taste thou I know)

agree not to listen to your Mum/MIL witht he critisims. iv'e said it before you CAN do this - you're doing a fab job. trust your insticts and you won't go far wrong. we all have off days/moments and we all feel horrid after for hating this precious little person who's come into our lives and can't tell us what's wrong, and feel like the worlds worst mum but honestly it's all normal and natural just keep talking things out have lots of cuddles with LO. you look athtem sleeping and melt - honestly everything is soon forgotten. (esp once they smile). and remember most importantly (esp now we have a toddler)

every day is a new day - so when a new day starts forget yesterday and start a fresh with a good day

3Ddonut Thu 16-Aug-07 09:37:51

'They' are looking back with rose tinted glasses 'they' are remembering the sleeping tiny baby with tiny little feet and so on 'they' are forgetting about all these things!

flowerybeanbag Thu 16-Aug-07 09:38:57

bumbly you are a fantastic mum. And you did the right thing. It does get better I promise, but I had my moments like that with DS about the same age, found myself shouting at him in exasperation etc, and then bursting into tears at myself for shouting at him.
I did the same a couple of times, just put him down for a bit while I went off and composed myself and had a bit of a cry.
I did find that a sling helped when he was in this stage as well, I spent a few days having him strapped to me for large proportions of the day. But it was only for a few days, and I do promise it gets better, you are doing a fantastic job.

pipsqueeke Thu 16-Aug-07 09:39:26

bumbly - when you're in the postition you feel like that, but honeslty when LO is about 3 months you look abck and think where did the time go and advise the next mum to cherish the moments. but of course like we all did they're suffering the same as well all do - fwiw the LO's have growth spurts all the time as well, and i'd say after the 6 week one things start to get a bit better - you start to see the light a little more.

ImBarryScott Thu 16-Aug-07 09:42:31

hi bumbly,
I'm a first time mum and my dd is 5 months. I spent the 1st 6 weeks mostly thinking "oh my god - what have I done?"! It does get better. I know that's not much help when you're in that really hard stage, but it does.

I read somewhere that babies' crying tends to peak around 6 weeks, so you've already got to the hardest bit, and it gets easier.

In terms of getting a break - does your baby like the buggy? My "break" in the first weeks was pushing the buggy with my ipod on. Also perhaps just pop out for a walk for 15mins when your partner gets home?

Theclosetpagan Thu 16-Aug-07 09:43:47

bumbly - you sound sooo like me when I was a new mum. I really struggled with my DS and got tired, cross and frustrated too. I can honestly remember sitting and looking at a book I wanted to read and then thinking "what's the point - my life has changed forever and I'll never have time for anything again". I also remember being really cross and frustrated with DS and also feeling really guilty for those feelings because he was a tiny baby. Like you though I was EXHAUSTED because I hadn't had a break since the birth.
Do you have a DH or DP who could take your DS for an hour in the evening so you could have a bath and relax? Could your Mum take your DS for a night to give you the chance of a night's sleep - that would be really helpful - not the "you might give your baby brain damage" comments.

The truth is that life DOES change with a baby but it honestly does get easier after the first few weeks which I remember being really hard. For me the first 10-12 were the worst and then all of a sudden DS started settling in the evenings and I suddenly had a few hours to myself.
Honestly, I think you did the right thing in going off and doing the bottles and giving yourself time to calm down. He was clean, dry and not too hot or cold.
Ignore your Mum - mine was great too at "helpful" little bits of advice. Your baby will not suffer oxygen deprivation because he cried for half an hour. You did the right thing.

Can you talk to anyone like your HV (if she's nice) about how you are feeling? Watch out for PND as I had that dreadfully and I think some of the early anxieties and frustrations were down to me feeling very low.

Theclosetpagan Thu 16-Aug-07 09:46:36

Meant to add as well that I think you are doing a great job from what I read in your posts. You are there for your DS and he knows that Mummy keeps him warm, dry, clean and fed. Don't be hard on yourself - you are a good Mum and doing your best.

PeterDuck Thu 16-Aug-07 09:50:00

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