Missing my firstborn since having newborn

[Jenbot78]

Hi, I have a week old much wanted baby boy delivered by c section as he was breech. I also have a 2.5 year old daughter. Recovery seems to be going OK but obviously I have quite a few restrictions.

I know it’s early days and baby blues have set in a bit but I just can’t stop crying about how desperately I miss my daughter. It’s almost like I’m grieving for our relationship that already seems to have changed so much. My son has taken to feeding really well but that means that he is on me all the time! This is particularly bad in the evening so I am unable to do bath bed etc. with her.

DD is taking things in her stride although it is clear that she misses me too. She just asked to “go out with mummy.” This also made me weep! I can’t pick her up and cuddle her properly and that is also breaking me. DH has been going everywhere with DD and I feel jealous when they go out.

I am ashamed to admit that I resent my son a little for getting in the way of what we had. Even though I love him so much too.

Also, I keep crying in front of my daughter. It seems totally uncontrollable but I’m sure this isn’t helping!

Does anyone have experience of this and does this get easier? Will I still keep that lovely bond that we always had with my firstborn?

Any advice/thoughts gratefully received!!

[Oflawrence]

Yes this is normal! Soon you will be up on your feet, newborn will be bigger/less attached to you and more in a routine. All of this will mean you are more able to be available and give her attention and do special 'mummy and my big girl' dates to cafes/ going to the shops etc.

Maybe make her a special box of toys and stickers etc that she gets to play with because she is a big girl, gives her a focus whilst you feed/change baby etc.

[Oflawrence]

Also try a sling...some babies can feed upright in a sling...this will free up your hands.

[OverByYer]

Entirely normal. I resented DS2 for the first few weeks for the impact he had on my relationship with DS1. It didn’t last long though once we’d all settled into our new family routine

[Andsoltbegins]

My middle dcs are 2.5 years apart (dd now 9 ds 7) and they are the best of friends it’s a lovely age gap !
Saying that the older 2 have a 5 ye gap and get on well too but the middle dcs are like twins they do everything together
Ds was in nicu when born and I missed dd so much. She was then very seriously ill when ds was 8 months (nearly lost her) so things shifted and then I felt guilty ds was in his playpen so much but then things got better and has been great ever since then it def gets better x

[hormonesorDHbeingadick]

I get this. DD2 is 11 weeks and it get easier. We are attempting mixed feeding so I can do some ofDD1 bedtimes.

I spent a couple of weeks of going between one child and the other at night. It was exhausting.

This I did to make it easier;

• telling DD1 that I had climbed into bed with her during the night for sneaky cuddles
  
• getting DD1 to bring books to so I could read to her, especially as DH was running the bath.
  

I have the opposite now and have to work hard to not push DD1 out and to make myself spend energy on her.

[Jenbot78]

Hi everyone, thanks loads for the support and advice. Things are starting to feel slightly better. We invested in a soft sling which meant that we could all go to the playground together. DD seemed to forget her brother was even there and seemed to really enjoy being with me and DH together. The sling feels like it could be a bit of a game changer.

Also I am pleased to hear that eventually they adjust. I think DD is getting used to things although still having regular meltdowns! If anything it’s me who is having the hardest time!

[Minai]

Oh I missed my ds1 so much when I had ds2. I was devastated! People kept offering to take him out to give me a break but all I wanted to do was spend time with him just me and him again.

It got better. A lot better. The baby started napping more reliably so I made the most of our one on one time then. And sometimes on a weekend we go out just the two of us.

My youngest is 9 months now and the 3 of us are like a little team now, I love it. It will get better soon, hang in there!