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'I don't love you'

(32 Posts)
1029384756b Wed 11-Sep-19 21:13:35

Nc for this.
My dd (4) is an amazing kid, kind and funny and so smart but she's had quite a temper from being little. Iv dealt with this using the naughty step and explaining why we don't do naughty things and always ended the time out with a hug and kiss.
Today she got cross (overtired) and shouted 'I don't love you mummy'
It floored me, she's never heard me or her dad say anything like that to each other or anything like that, shes not repeating it from anything she's heard at home.
She's my eldest child so every stage she goes through is new to me but I didn't think kids said things like that until they were in their teens?
Anyone know if this is normal?

MrsMozartMkII Wed 11-Sep-19 21:15:45

Y'up. It's shit but normal.

EeenyMeeny Wed 11-Sep-19 21:17:06

I think this can be normal. My son will on occasion tell me he doesn't like me (4 yo). I think it's to do with not liking, or loving, the task I have asked him to do or the comment I have made, but he doesn't have the emotional intelligence and vocabulary to articulate that he does like having to go to bed etc.

1029384756b Wed 11-Sep-19 21:17:42

@15MrsMozartMkII
Thank goodness its normal, I have been sat for a few hours upset about it thinking I was the worst mum ever. It really is shit isn't it!

EeenyMeeny Wed 11-Sep-19 21:17:40

*doesn't like

Nonnymum Wed 11-Sep-19 21:18:30

It's quite normal. She doesn't mean it. Children say things like this all the time. You should just say. I'm sorry you are angry. I love you all the time and always will or something something similar and shrug it ofd. She is just showing she's angry.

Emsmomma Wed 11-Sep-19 21:18:43

I had this last year and it was awful. Absolutely floored me too so I know how you feel. She's nearly 4 now so around the same age. I tried everything from ignoring it to calling her out on it, telling her 'well I still love you' and the one thing that ended up working was 'well that isn't a kind thing to say and my name of DD is kind aren't you' as ridiculous as it sounds it worked, she was upset at the thought of not being kind and it soon stopped. She loves knowing that she's kind. I really feel your pain, everyone said 'she doesn't know what she's saying' but it doesn't stop it hurting xxx

1029384756b Wed 11-Sep-19 21:19:45

@EeenyMeeny I had just asked her to brush her teeth and she was busy playing so maybe that had something to do with it

Simkin Wed 11-Sep-19 21:21:56

Totally normal. I anyways say 'well, I love you,' in a matter of fact voice.

1029384756b Wed 11-Sep-19 21:22:51

@nonnymum thank you

@emsmomma it really does hurt like hell doesn't it! I'll give your advice a go, thank you

Greyworm Wed 11-Sep-19 21:24:06

It's so so normal. Best way to respond (from experience) is to say 'well that's OK because I love you so much I love you enough for both of us'. She doesn't mean it and don't let her see you react upset as she may use it more! You could say 'that's not kind' at the start, but I'd just go in with the above sentence.

Merename Wed 11-Sep-19 21:24:59

My 3yr old has said it on occasion. Also ‘you’re not my friend anymore’. I actually view it quite positively in a weird way, as I grew up in a family where showing anger was not tolerated and there was huge pressure to be ‘nice’ and ‘good’ all the time. So I make a point of saying that it’s normal for kids to get angry with their mums when they make the rules, and I love her even though she feels angry. It usually passes pretty quickly.

Iggly Wed 11-Sep-19 21:25:07

Normal. Happens a lot. It’s not about me as a mother but just their mood.

Herocomplex Wed 11-Sep-19 21:25:53

Normal.
I’d say that I loved them, but understood they might be cross with me, why might that be?

Aquamarine1029 Wed 11-Sep-19 21:28:37

Totally normal and absolutely nothing personal behind it. What @Greyworm said to say is excellent. It's also ok to let her know that it makes you sad and hurts your feelings. Children need to learn compassion and that words can hurt just as much as hitting. As long as you express your hurt calmly and without drama and a guilt trip, it's a good lesson for her.

StockTakeFucks Wed 11-Sep-19 21:38:26

Normal along with

I don't like you anymore .
You're not my friend anymore .
I'm not playing with you anymore (yaaay!!)
And
I'm running away(hid in the bedroom).

She's 8 now and cuddled up in bed with me because she missed me this afternoon.hmm

Chargertest Wed 11-Sep-19 21:38:53

I've been dealing with this with my DS as well so i can really relate, although it feels worse as he is also wanting his daddy to do everything with him. I haven't put him to bed in over a month as he just wants daddy. He asked for his daddy tonight and I said he was out and he got upset, said he doesn't want me, doesn't love me and is bored of me. Do you think this is normal or should I be concerned? Really sorry to have jumped on your thread but wondered if anyone had any experience of this?

Artesia Wed 11-Sep-19 21:39:02

I’ve had it from all 3 of mine at that kind of age. I always just stay “oh well. That’s a shame but I love you enough for both of us”.

They don’t have many trump cards to play at that age, and I think they say it as one thing they can do is withdraw their love (except they obviously don’t really). It’s a bit like toddlers babies sometimes refuse to eat for no reason except they can - a bit of a power thing!

StockTakeFucks Wed 11-Sep-19 21:45:19

I said it back once. Her reply was "but you have to! You're a mummy!" grin

Nottalotta Wed 11-Sep-19 21:47:45

My 4yr old son said this recently "I love you mummy " (aw........) "but I don't always love you " (Oh.......) I don't love you when you make cups of tea. You take too long". Oh. Ok then.

darkparadise1 Wed 11-Sep-19 22:13:05

My husband was actually telling me yesterday he'd said "I love you" to our daughter (3.5yo) and she laughed and said "well I don't love you daddy" 😂 it must be quite normal!

1029384756b Wed 11-Sep-19 22:34:34

Thank you all for your wonderful advice, I'll put it all into practice as and when this happens again! I feel much better knowing this is quite normal and I'm not just failing as a mother!

@Chargertest that sounds really tough, hopefully someone will be along soon with some words of wisdom but I'm sure iv read kids do go through phases of having a 'favourite'. It must be incredibly difficult though flowers

Iputthescrewinthetuna Wed 11-Sep-19 22:36:12

My 3 year old said this to me the other day! I think she saw the hurt in my face be she instantly said 'I'm just tricking you' gave me a hug and stopped tantrum. We had cuddles and I explained why she shouldn't say that to anybody because it hurts feelings.
I thought I handled it like a pro! I thought 'yep, I have sorted this.' After 12 years of being a mum you would think I would know better! Yesterday she had a tantrum because nasty mummy told her it was bedtime, she was not tired! I clearly read the drowsy eyes wrong! She said to me 'I don't love you and I don't care if you have hurt feelings!' Yep that told me to think I got this parenting thing perfected!

Op, it is completely normal and she will grow out of it. If she says it again, do not react! Ignore ignore ignore!

cmace2 Wed 11-Sep-19 22:39:55

My kids say this. I reply with 'well I love you' and yesterday when I did this he stopped being naughty immediately and gave my leg a cuddle. They also do it to each other (brothers). One will say ' I hate you!' And the other will reply with 'well I love you!!' So cute!!!

firstimemamma Wed 11-Sep-19 22:41:39

I hope you're ok, op. Must be awful hearing that! If it makes your situation feel any more normal, my BIL was disciplining his 4 year old daughter (normal, loving parent and child relationship) and she stormed off saying 'you've ruined my life!'. It left him speechless at the time too but everything is fine now. thanks

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