Is this bad enough to ask for help

[Panda368]

I have a 9 month old and ever since I found out I was pregnant I have felt trapped.
I have a very supportive partner, and quite an easy baby - hes cute, he smiles and laughs at everything but that makes it somehow worse.
I couldn't bring myself to kiss him until he was 4 months, I just wanted to run away the whole time. I could only interact with him by copying my partner. I struggle when referring to him, I still cant quite say "my son" it doesn't feel right.
I still sometimes want to run away but I think we have bonded to some extent now, though it feels more like Stockholm syndrome.
I panic horribly about him becoming sick, or having an accident or worst case scenarios like nuclear war.
I never told my partner why but when I was 24 weeks pregnant I started sobbing uncontrollably one night and couldn't tell him it was because I realised I was now too late to have an abortion and there was no way out.

Is this what pnd is? Or am I just not good at being a parent and probs shouldn't have had a baby?
I dont think I'm very maternal, if I knew he would be safe I could probably walk away one day but I dont want to leave my partner.
I dont really know what I'm asking here, is this somewhat normal? Do I need to speak to a dr?

[hormonesorDHbeingadick]

Yes I think you need to speak to a doctor. 9 month olds are still very young and are hard work as they get older they get easier and give you more back.

[Dec2019mumtobe]

Definitely speak to a doctor, health visitor, whoever.

You can get both pre and postnatal depression. You might have had it throughout your pregnancy.

The doctor might try you on some tablets to see if it helps.

Hugs x

[Ffswtf]

I was where you are @Panda368 I went through a lot of what you describe with my first baby. Please phone for an appointment with your doctor in the morning. You don't have to go through this alone, talk to your partner, your HV, your friends? It's not you, it's PND and it won't feel this way forever. Feel free to pm me anytime. Sending love and hugs xxx

[savingforsomewherefarfaraway]

Hi Op. are you still seeing or have access to a health visitor? I would tell them what you've told us. Pnd comes in many forms, and post natal anxiety is less talked about but just as common. Both can manifest up to two years post partum just because that's how significant the hormonal change is for us, and that begins in pregnancy. I'm not a doctor but I had both and what you say sounds familiar to me.
There is absolutely no shame in admitting these feelings- you aren't bad at parenting because you have these thoughts. It sounds like you're actually doing a marvellous job keeping a small one smiling and content whilst trying to process these feelings.
Speak with a health visitor or your gp. Be honest. You won't shock them and they won't judge you. They will offer you some support to help you understand the way you feel. It's really important not to try and bottle this up.

I also wanted to run away...a lot.
I honestly don't now, 2 years in. I still feel gutted about what I went through but now I want to run to my son at every opportunity, not run the other way. I feel so lucky now- a feeling I never thought I would feel in this context.

Keep talking, and be kind to yourself. Life will open up again sooner than you think.

[ajbellamy]

Sounds like post natal depression. Especially if you find yourself you can't bond with the child. Please seek professional help xo

[Panda368]

Haven't seen health visitor since baby was about 3 months, I've taken him to be weighed a few times thinking I'd mention it or ask to speak to one of the health visitors but it's always felt a bit too public and I've bottled it.

I suppose it's a bit weird - I dont feel sad all the time, i tried to talk to my partner but hes very much a "fixer" and doesn't really understand. I think it made most sense to him reciently when I said I'd done the assessment for pnd online and come up at 17 (I think the cut off for not having it is 0-10) I think it just worried him. And i dont want to say that i just regret everything as he totally adores our little boy and did from the moment he was born. I was just happy to not be pregnant anymore.

I've started back at work now so getting to drs is a bit more challenging but I guess I probably should try and sort this.

[savingforsomewherefarfaraway]

How are you doing OP?

[MouseInATelescope]

I felt like this with both my boys (They're 7 and 3 now) I struggled with any maternal feelings and I think largely it was down to the relationship with their dad. We no longer loved each other or supported each other and I felt hollow. This isn't the case for you so I think it's undiagnosed PND but I am no Dr, you need their advice.

I'm also not a baby person, I hated that stage I'll be honest, nappies, drooling, teething, feeding, repeat. But lI ove toddlers and when they start communicating, playing, learning etc so I fell in love with em both at that stage and the love got stronger and stronger and they're all I have now and I'm firecly protective. I think it might be the same for you and once he's a bit older you'll start to enjoy him a lot more.

[Panda368]

I've finally booked a drs appointment for today.
Cried for the first time in a very long time and don't think I'm coping very well.
Things have been hard and Im feeling like I'm constantly letting down my parter, doing a shit job at work and never seeing the baby.
I think the feeling that I could leave and never look back is getting stronger, I'm not sure Id feel guilty and I feel bad for thinking that.

I promised my parter I would be back early last night for him to go to the gym and then got stuck at work. He'd been looking forward to it all day and was really disappointed. We didn't talk all night and he text me this morning to say he felt let down.

I'm so terrible at all of this.
Baby will be 1 in November and I'm feeling really anxious and keep having flashbacks to the birth. We are going to have to have some kind of party and my parents will be up and I think I'm just going to hate all of it and want to be alone.

I'm traveling with work for 10 days - leaving Thursday. And I feel awful leaving partner alone for that long, I've not managed to stop breast feeding yet either even though he takes a bottle.

I've got so much work to do today for the trip too and my head is everywhere.

[savingforsomewherefarfaraway]

Well done for booking that appointment. I write this on my way to a CBT session (child now 2.5) so I know how hard that first step can be.

You are being very hard on yourself right now, and it sounds like your partner perhaps doesn't understand how bad you're feeling, but I also think it's a bit unreasonable for him to make you feel guilty for being held up at work. I remember feeling so shit about everything, very incapable and like I was letting everyone down too, but try to remember that thoughts aren't facts. Juggling work, a relationship and raising a young child can be so hard, but you are doing it, and you owe yourself some credit for that even if you feel it's compromised or hard, and not how you pictured it would be.

Be totally honest with the doctors about how you feel. There is support out there, both practical and psychological that could really make a difference to how you feel. This is awful to go through - you have my empathy.

What time is your appointment? x

[Panda368]

Appointment is at 3. Partner is back from work as he does half day fridays, we've had a cuddle and made up - I've not told him about the appointment yet.
I don't want him to feel bad and like our argument has caused it. Seems like a bit of an extreme reaction but I think the extreme reaction to a pretty silly disagreement is whats convinced me I'm not ok.
I also don't want to admit I've been feeling unhappy for such a long time I don't want him to think its his fault. I've mentioned to him about making a drs appt before but I don't think he's taken it seriously as I've not got round to it until now.

[savingforsomewherefarfaraway]

One step at a time is still great progress. Start with telling the doctor, then talk to your partner. It might help to tell him that these kind of feelings are a symptom of PND, and that is caused by an imbalance in your body, not, in this case, by his or your actions.
It's true that sometimes life situations can exacerbate symptoms, but they are not the root cause.
It's caring that you are so concerned about his feelings, and you don't want him to feel guilty or assume responsibility for the situation.
Try to show some of that consideration and care for yourself now, and explain how you feel. Let him in, and let him support you in a way that perhaps you might support him if the tables were turned. You won't feel like this forever and you have nothing to feel guilty or ashamed of. You're doing really well in difficult circumstances, and after a rough start. Really try not to beat yourself up over what you're experiencing.

Good luck and update after your appointment if you like? I'm around this afternoon if you want to share.

[Panda368]

back from drs with a prescription for Sertraline and instructions to self refer for something called healthy minds.
Oh and a follow up appointment next week.

I told my parter about the appointment just before I left and he came and gave me a big hug and said I shouldn't take medication incase it changes my personality and because it can make you worse before it makes you better.... LOL.
I'm not so sure - think it was a bit of a knee jerk reaction and he needs to actually do some research.

I think I need to talk to him properly about whats been going on and that I've not just been feeling a bit down or a bit stressed.

I've done almost 0 work today and I'm trying not to think about it

[savingforsomewherefarfaraway]

Well done for going. How do you feel about stating the sertraline? For what it's worth, my partner's response when ADs were recommended to me was that we could fix it ourselves if I went swimming more 😂. Spectacularly missing the point!
I ended up restarting another drug for another condition that I'd had to take a break from whilst breastfeeding, and which just happens to be a dopamine agonist so helps restore my balance, so I've stuck with that for the last year (ending breastfeeding at the same time, as I think I did it for so long out of guilt for feeling like such a shit mother, when actually I think the hormone fluctuations really weren't helping my mental health personally, in hindsight).

You have to do what's right for you, as ultimately that is what's right for your partner and your son. You first, for a little bit.
Would you consider CBT privately? After sobbing my way through the first few sessions, I've found it really helpful to sort out my thinking a little bit. It hasn't made life's difficulties disappear, but for the most part I respond to feeling overwhelmed a little better than before and have also stopped giving myself such a hard time.
Just a thought.
Also do you have a local Mind? They might have some alternative (free) services you can access.
Remember to feel proud of what you've achieved whilst feeling like this- it's no mean feat!

[Bjones123]

Hello,

Have you ever been on antidepressants before? I only ask as doctors are good at handing them out without always giving good information. They can make you feel worse before feeling better, it can take a few changes to find the right one and dosage and they work best alongside therapy as medication can only do so much if the root cause and schemas aren't addressed. It might be worth finding out how long the wait for talking therapies are in your area if you are considering private.

Sometimes employers have good mental health support and schemes and maybe link in with health visitors to see if you can go through perinatal mental health services as they are more specialist and can sometimes offer support faster.

Sounds like you are doing a fantastic job in difficult circumstances.

[Panda368]

@bjones123 I haven't been on antidepressants before no. Dr have an appointment on weds next week with dr to see how I am and have been given details for the local mind services which I've now self referred myself to so will see what happens. Not sure what I was expecting from drs really. Feel a bit strange walking out with a packet of pills and not much else but I guess I'll get some counselling from the "healthy minds" people.

[Harrysmummy246]

Honestly, I wouldn't function without sertraline and have actually been a useful human being since increasing my dose about 6 months ago (DS is now 2.3)

And frankly your partner needs to stop being a d* and support you

[Panda368]

@harriesmummy246 he is supportive. And he's not a dick.
Having read the leaflet about the side effects and potential for things getting worse before they get better I'm feeling a bit unsure about it.

I'm going away on a long work trip abroad at the end of next week. If anything was to happen in that 10 days I would have 0 support also the idea of a 1 in 10 chance of a manic episode doesn't fill me with confidence