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Is this bad enough to ask for help

(9 Posts)
Panda368 Thu 08-Aug-19 20:27:05

I have a 9 month old and ever since I found out I was pregnant I have felt trapped.
I have a very supportive partner, and quite an easy baby - hes cute, he smiles and laughs at everything but that makes it somehow worse.
I couldn't bring myself to kiss him until he was 4 months, I just wanted to run away the whole time. I could only interact with him by copying my partner. I struggle when referring to him, I still cant quite say "my son" it doesn't feel right.
I still sometimes want to run away but I think we have bonded to some extent now, though it feels more like Stockholm syndrome.
I panic horribly about him becoming sick, or having an accident or worst case scenarios like nuclear war.
I never told my partner why but when I was 24 weeks pregnant I started sobbing uncontrollably one night and couldn't tell him it was because I realised I was now too late to have an abortion and there was no way out.

Is this what pnd is? Or am I just not good at being a parent and probs shouldn't have had a baby?
I dont think I'm very maternal, if I knew he would be safe I could probably walk away one day but I dont want to leave my partner.
I dont really know what I'm asking here, is this somewhat normal? Do I need to speak to a dr?

hormonesorDHbeingadick Thu 08-Aug-19 20:31:44

Yes I think you need to speak to a doctor. 9 month olds are still very young and are hard work as they get older they get easier and give you more back.

Dec2019mumtobe Thu 08-Aug-19 21:01:09

Definitely speak to a doctor, health visitor, whoever.

You can get both pre and postnatal depression. You might have had it throughout your pregnancy.

The doctor might try you on some tablets to see if it helps.

Hugs x

Ffswtf Thu 08-Aug-19 21:08:03

I was where you are @Panda368 I went through a lot of what you describe with my first baby. Please phone for an appointment with your doctor in the morning. You don't have to go through this alone, talk to your partner, your HV, your friends? It's not you, it's PND and it won't feel this way forever. Feel free to pm me anytime. Sending love and hugs xxx

savingforsomewherefarfaraway Thu 08-Aug-19 21:12:14

Hi Op. are you still seeing or have access to a health visitor? I would tell them what you've told us. Pnd comes in many forms, and post natal anxiety is less talked about but just as common. Both can manifest up to two years post partum just because that's how significant the hormonal change is for us, and that begins in pregnancy. I'm not a doctor but I had both and what you say sounds familiar to me.
There is absolutely no shame in admitting these feelings- you aren't bad at parenting because you have these thoughts. It sounds like you're actually doing a marvellous job keeping a small one smiling and content whilst trying to process these feelings.
Speak with a health visitor or your gp. Be honest. You won't shock them and they won't judge you. They will offer you some support to help you understand the way you feel. It's really important not to try and bottle this up.

I also wanted to run away...a lot.
I honestly don't now, 2 years in. I still feel gutted about what I went through but now I want to run to my son at every opportunity, not run the other way. I feel so lucky now- a feeling I never thought I would feel in this context.

Keep talking, and be kind to yourself. Life will open up again sooner than you think.

ajbellamy Thu 08-Aug-19 21:19:47

Sounds like post natal depression. Especially if you find yourself you can't bond with the child. Please seek professional help xo

Panda368 Sun 11-Aug-19 11:33:22

Haven't seen health visitor since baby was about 3 months, I've taken him to be weighed a few times thinking I'd mention it or ask to speak to one of the health visitors but it's always felt a bit too public and I've bottled it.

I suppose it's a bit weird - I dont feel sad all the time, i tried to talk to my partner but hes very much a "fixer" and doesn't really understand. I think it made most sense to him reciently when I said I'd done the assessment for pnd online and come up at 17 (I think the cut off for not having it is 0-10) I think it just worried him. And i dont want to say that i just regret everything as he totally adores our little boy and did from the moment he was born. I was just happy to not be pregnant anymore.

I've started back at work now so getting to drs is a bit more challenging but I guess I probably should try and sort this.

savingforsomewherefarfaraway Wed 11-Sep-19 10:01:06

How are you doing OP?

MouseInATelescope Wed 11-Sep-19 10:18:46

I felt like this with both my boys (They're 7 and 3 now) I struggled with any maternal feelings and I think largely it was down to the relationship with their dad. We no longer loved each other or supported each other and I felt hollow. This isn't the case for you so I think it's undiagnosed PND but I am no Dr, you need their advice.

I'm also not a baby person, I hated that stage I'll be honest, nappies, drooling, teething, feeding, repeat. But lI ove toddlers and when they start communicating, playing, learning etc so I fell in love with em both at that stage and the love got stronger and stronger and they're all I have now and I'm firecly protective. I think it might be the same for you and once he's a bit older you'll start to enjoy him a lot more.

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