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need virtual shoulders to cry on - am really sad and teary and guilty and bleuuurgh about ds1 no longer being my only one

(62 Posts)
Tutter Mon 30-Jul-07 19:26:36

that's it really

ds2 12 days old

am finding it hard to adjust - not to ds2, he's a breeze - but to my changing relationship with (and lack of time with) ds1

thegardener Mon 30-Jul-07 19:38:26

I feel a bit sad at the thought of my relationship changing when (hopefully) i have another.

People have told me it isn't such a big adjustment as having your first child so maybe it get easier very quickly, i hope it does for you soon.

Would taking both of them to toddler groups be any help or could you arrange a playdate at your house to fit in around your toddler's rountine & your baby's feed time?

Mercy Mon 30-Jul-07 19:39:41

Oh Tutter, don't feel sad.

I do sympathise though. When ds was a few weeks old dd caught chicken pox and I felt absolutely terrible and racked with guilt because I couldn't give her my undivided attention.

It's all part of dealing with being a new parent again. Plus your hormones are no doubt all over the place. It will get better.

How old is your ds1?

RubyRioja Mon 30-Jul-07 19:40:10

Ah! Obv you know this is logically pants, but are you in the illogical hormonal phase right now?

I do sympathise. I still look at the enormous and impractical sandpit I bought (and carried) for dd1 when I was days away from dd2 so we could play together for the last time...sniff

Tutter Mon 30-Jul-07 19:40:51

he's 2.2

an age known for its ease and simplicity at the best of times

funnypeevesculiar Mon 30-Jul-07 19:43:42

Totally sympathise .... but it DOES get easier so fast. Honest.

I made all visitors look after dd when she was little so I could take ds to the park. On my own. And just be with him. Not sure if it made any difference to him, but made me feel better (& happy grandparents with time to 'coo' on their own!)

Soon you'll start feeling guilty about all the things you did with ds1 that you don't do with ds2 (daily massage, hours of gentle one-on-one time, etc etc etc) Sorry, that last bit doesn't help does it

funnypeevesculiar Mon 30-Jul-07 19:44:26

Oh, and ds was 2.1 when dd was born. They're now 16 mths & 3.5 and have a riot together

aloha Mon 30-Jul-07 19:45:24

This early stage will be over so soon. I honestly think I gave my ds the best gift in the world by having dd. I went to Fishers Farm today (farm and play area - v good actually) with them both today and they were the very, very best of friends. They have secret games that they don't share with me, but they share everything else - neither would dream of eating the last two squares of chocolate, they'd always save one for their sibling. They run into the garden and disappear into the Wendy House for mysterious games, and ds absolutely hates being invited anywhere if dd isn't invited - he cries and says things like, 'well, theres absolutely no point in going if my sister can't come. It just spoils everything"
The early days are hard, but they whizz by, and you might be amazed by how soon they can play 'together'. At two months dd was the 'patient' to ds's doctor - having her blood pressure taken and everything
The worst time IME is really between about four and eleven weeks, when your dc1 realises wtih shock that the baby is permanent and will do anything to get your attention and test your love, to when they sort of forget a time before the baby and calm right down again.

tiredandgrumpy Mon 30-Jul-07 19:47:24

I felt like this and had to keep reminding myself that ds would benefit from having a little sis. Now she's older they get on wonderfully & the 2 have such a giggle together - had never anticipated this and makes up for some of the earlier sadness.

I would say, though, that soon you'll be up and about more - the baby will just have to fit in with all the trips out you make to entertain your ds1. We did so many day trips, picnics in the park etc when dd was a (sleeping) baby. Plus I made an effort to have sticking & painting things at home so we could do little projects whilst dd was asleep.

It's not ever the same again, but can still be wonderful, once you're a little more in control again.

bumperlicious Mon 30-Jul-07 19:49:27

Dreading this and my first is only 6 weeks ! Can't imagine having another!

Sorry you are feeling sad.

iblue22 Mon 30-Jul-07 19:50:10

Aw I do sympathise. I started with the guilt the summer before I had my DD. I did as much as possible with DS despite being heavily pregnant, went as far as climbing to the tops of soft play structures with him, all because I was so, I dunno, emotional about the impending change. When his little sis did arrive, bless her, she was really not an easy baby, cried constantly unless on my shoulder, which ended up with me in the depths of despair because I felt so dreadfully torn and guilty all the time.

But listen - DS is now 3 yrs 9 mths and that little screamer that came and disrupted our world is now 19 months, and when I watch the two of them interact and giggle and wrestle and share their own little private jokes, when she comes up to him and purses her lips for a kiss which he sometimes grants, I well up, in a good way, and know that they wouldn't have it any other way.

Hope that helps sweetheart - it's just a period of adjustment for all of you, and you will adjust. Don't forget hormones and sleep deprivation play a part too in how you feel.

PS I too did the thing where I got mum to come over and sit with Eve for a couple of hours so I could take Haydn to a toddler group, just him and me - like the other poster said, he probably didn't notice but it certainly made me feel better!

Hugs
Shereen

pointydog Mon 30-Jul-07 19:57:43

i FELT so guilty and sad for dd1 just before and just after dd2 came along. She was 2.2.

Waste of time. Really.

1st stage: dd1 would squeeze, rock (too vigorously) and look confused at dd2
2nd stage: dd1 would pretty much ignore dd2 ('put she in she car seat, mummy!' and dd2would disappear behind teh sofa in her car seat)
3rd stage: very quickly dd1 got a little pleasure from dd2 and that just grew and grew


I think it's your hormones

WideWebWitch Mon 30-Jul-07 19:59:00

God, it's lovely having 2, you'll get used to it.

scattyspice Mon 30-Jul-07 20:02:01

DS was 2omnths when DD was born, and in my efforts to compensate (over compensate) got far more attention than DD did (does) at that age.

IMO the benefits of having a sibling outweigh any lack of attention from mamma.

skerriesmum Mon 30-Jul-07 20:02:13

I felt like this too, I really did. It can be hard to realise there's no more "just me and xx" anymore. It does pass though, now ds2 just slots into everything and ds1 is mad about him.

MrsFish Mon 30-Jul-07 20:03:46

I'm looking forward to having my ds2, he will be here in approx 8 weeks. I'm looking forward to when the two of them can play together, ds1 will be 2+4 when his brother arrives

bobblehead Mon 30-Jul-07 20:04:15

dd2 is almost 4 months and tbh she hasn't changed much at all between me and dd1 (2.2).
I felt like you but it quickly passed (though sometimes I do get nostalgic for when it was just the two of us, but with dd1 as a baby not now ifykwim). I am now racked with guilt about how much dd2 is ignored and how dull she seems in comparison to toddler.
Next month I will take dd2 to kindermusik class on a sat am while dh takes dd1 swimming. When dd2 is a little bigger we may switch them around. Maybe you could do something like this to get time with your ds1? I have found that the older dd2 gets the more she is just sort of there without demanding attention though and dd1 is usually happy to entertain her

mistressmiggins Mon 30-Jul-07 20:06:25

you will feel special with them both
its early days

I have 2.4 gap & my kids are now 5.5 & 3.1 and they get on great
The 3 of us have great time & when Im doing housework, they play mummys & daddys or dr or whatever comes into DS(eldest) mind

I cna sympathise as sure I felt like this but cant really remember

agree with poster saying let others hold baby when asleep so you can spend time with eldest....or let eldest help you when changing etc - they like doing that

DONT WORRY!

MuminBrum Mon 30-Jul-07 20:08:55

There you are Bumperlicious! How are you finding it? Is milk spraying everywhere?
Sorry Tutter - have no wise words, only have one child myself, but can definitely imagine how you must be feeling. Do you have a younger sibling? Are you tapping into something you felt as a child?

ProjectSeverus Mon 30-Jul-07 20:12:35

tutter i sobbed when preg with dd2 at what i was doing to dd1. and afterwards a bit too.

dd1 was 2.3 when dd2 was born. it has been~(mostly) fabulous. dd2 is 11months now and they adore each other.

callmeovercautious Mon 30-Jul-07 20:13:59

Tutter - have not been there yet but wanted to send you my support. My sister had these feelings with her DS2 and thought it was because he was by a different father. Apparently it is quite normal though and they have a great love hate relationship with each other now (7 and 4). She felt better when we could take DS2 for a walk and DS1 got a bit of quality time (not easy if demand BFing but it can be done). Everyone tells you to get help looking after the oldest one to dedicate time to LO but it needs to go both ways.

Hope you feel better soon.

Psychobabble Mon 30-Jul-07 20:21:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nightowl Mon 30-Jul-07 20:29:52

oh its normal, really. i felt so awful after having dd that this new little person, who i thought would make a great playmate for ds (ok, 6 year age gap but still ) was taking up all my time and attention. she was a very difficult baby who grew into a difficult toddler and the guilt was there. maybe more so because ive been a single parent for so long and it was always "ds and i against the world". but its ok to be upset and to feel like this, it doesnt last forever

i love them both equally btw, and maybe its because dd is still so young..she delights me, she makes me cackle with her ways and melt with her cuteness, everything new that she does fascinates me and makes me proud.

but ds is my friend, i feel incomplete without him. equally proud of anything he does, but there's something different in our relationship to that which i have with dd. both great, just different. i came to realise this wasn't a bad thing, after all, i already did the cackling and melting stuff with him

Bubble99 Mon 30-Jul-07 20:33:19

Tutter. Don't feel bad. It is normal to feel like this.

I've got four now and we all seem to muddle along fairly well. But going from one to two is difficult as you have to re-arrange the whole 'family unit' thing.

bumperlicious Mon 30-Jul-07 20:37:02

Hi muminbrum! We are getting there with the feeding. Feel like we might have finally cracked it! Did you have a fab night out?

(Sorry Tutter!)

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