How do you know when it's behaviour and when it's medical?

[HalyardHitch]

I read a thread the other day about parenting toddlers and have basically been worrying ever since.

I have two boys, 1.5 and 2.5. The 2.5 yo has just recently been diagnosed with coeliacs disease. This does have a behaviour impact as children with coalics disease are most commonly misdiagnosed as having ADHD. You are also more likey to have ASD, thyroid issues, diabetes, issues with speech development, balance issues, growth issues...the list goes on.

The older he gets, the more I see a gap in how his friends behave and how he behaves. Any classes are a no go. I had to remove him from the library during a sing session this week as he was resistant to join in, running off, getting books out and dumping them everywhere, laying on the floor tantrumming. Typical toddler stuff. His just seems to be every. single. day and is really relentless.

He's happy when he's released into the wild (woods, country park, any park, the garden). But the second we put a requirement on him he resists quite strongly.


We are as consistent as we can be. We use time out, we offer sanctions, eg if you climb on the sofa I'll turn the TV off. He does sometimes respond and does understand. However as soon as we're asking him to do something it's just meltdown city
.

He's very particular about mess, his clothes, his routines. He's also an absolutely great kid. He's full of life and fun but often looks like the weight of the world is on his shoulders. He naps and sleeps far far more than he should at this at (13/14 hours over night plus naps of approx. 2 hours) and is on a strong iron supplement.

He is very much THAT child. I can't take him to friends houses, he can't walk in supermarkets, I can't take him to the library. I really feel I'm failing him. He can't even sit still for a story (although will sit for a wriggly bedtime story).

My 18 month old is great. He can walk around a supermarket with me. At 18 months, my eldest wouldn't have been able to.

They're such different kids. I can't help but see just how much by two year old struggles with life.

Is it really just about parenting? If it is then I'm a really rubbish parent. I just don't know what to do about it but I feel like I'm always telling him off or correcting his behaviour. Climbing on tables, pulling curtains, throwing toys, hitting his brother, running off, jumping on the back of the sofa, trying to climb in the pond...the list is so so so endless.

Is it me?!

[Confusedandworried321]

I don't have any expert advice sorry, but only to say it's definitely not you. I responded to that thread (if you mean the one about luck of parenting) as less than 18 months ago, when my DS was just 2, I would've been one of the smug ones, saying oh of course it's parenting. He then steadily started to get more challenging around 2.6. If your little one can behave, you're certainly doing something right.

Your son doesn't sound unlike one of my friend's sons, but who is a year older. I don't know what he's like in supermarkets, but certainly when he comes here, he's absolute carnage. He was always a high needs baby. As far as I know, there's been no medical suggestions.

Is your DS in nursery? That's your first port of call; ask them how he is. We are waiting to see a paediatrician for my DS (age 3.6) and it's all because of how he's been at play group. I never had any genuine concerns before and his private nursery where he goes one day a week never raised anything.

[HalyardHitch]

@Confusedandworried321 thank you so much for your reply. He seems ok at preschool. He goes two mornings a week just to give me some respite from the relentlessness of it.

I think carnage is the word. A very good description. Even at home he gets out toy after toy but rarely focuses on anything without real support (and then he tends to kick off).

I feel he's ok at preschool as it's just a short amount of time and there's almost the peer pressure to conform. We picked a small place that we knew would be calming and soothing for him rather than over stimulating.

I can't stay to playgroups as he will kick off and be really difficult (I hate that description but I have to be realistic).

Maybe I've messed him up. He was in special care - taken from me at 3 days old for 36 hours. Then in hospital for nearly five weeks. Me and DH did 12 hour shifts with him. I guess that separation from Mum isn't going to do a newborn any good. And then he was only 12 months old when I had his brother. Maybe it is all down to me.

He definitely does seem to be more and more different from his peers. We are under a charity called 'homestart' for support with his behaviour. They're currently looking for a volunteer but call me every week to check in. It's embarrassing but I get invited on their outings and everything. Just because of my toddlers behaviour. When the lady came round she said "is it always like this?" (with a look of shock on her face). I had to say yes, multiple times a day

[IntoTheDeep]

It can be hard to tell at that age whether there is any additional needs or whether they’re just at the more challenging end of the normal range. These things tend to become more noticeable as children grow older.

My eldest was a much more challenging toddler than his siblings. He was referred for ASD assessments when he was 4, but until his preschool raised concerns, we thought he was just a slow developer in certain areas.
His previous nursery had assured us that his behaviour was within normal ranges for his age when we’d asked them if his development (along social / emotional / behavioural lines) was normal.

[minipie]

I can relate.

My eldest has cerebral palsy but the physical side is very mild, the main effects for her are poor sleep, tiredness, some discomfort due to tight muscles, and poor emotional/impulse control. So often looks very similar to ADHD, especially when she was younger. I have also read lots of articles saying ADHD and extreme tiredness look very similar.

I imagine coeliac also makes your DS very tired, and sometimes he may have discomfort too, so that may be causing a lot of the behaviour?

For us ages 2-5 were very hard (age 4 in particular as she was having a growth spurt so extra tired, also by then most children have stopped tantrumming etc so the gap was more noticeable). BUT since age 5 she’s been barely any different from her classmates - still more prone to emotional moments but definitely not “that child” any more (indeed there are several worse behaved NT kids in her class).

I suspect you may find similar, and since your DS sleeps, you may get there quicker (I hope so)

It is hard to know how much is down to personality and how much is down to the medical condition. Generally these days (DD is now 6) I can tell whether she’s acting up deliberately or if she’s past it with tiredness and just needs downtime and a cuddle. But it’s taken a while to be able to distinguish. In general I would give your DS the benefit of the doubt - with hindsight I was probably too tough on DD, I now realise she really couldn’t help it a lot of the time.