5yo violent tantrums, hitting

[CanuckMummy]

Daughter is five and recently has been having extremely violent tantrums and hitting a lot.

Example 1: brought her plums for after school snack at pickup. She ate one then had sticky hands, we had already started walking home. She wanted to go back and walk a different way so she could go to a cafe to wash her hands. I said no, because that would then take us a lot longer to get home, and that there wasn't a place we could wash hands on the way, she would have to wait to wash her hands until we got home. I wiped her hands with a tissue but she started screaming that she wanted to wash her hands and insisting we walk all the way back. I was firm but calm and said she could wash them when she got home. She started crying, screaming more, and then hitting me very hard, in the back, smashing me with an open palm. Another parent and some children from her school walked past while she was hitting me. I tried to catch her hand so she could not hit me and told her it was not acceptable behaviour but she kept on doing it. She kept hitting me and screaming at me saying it was all about me, and my fault. Eventually we stopped in a churchyard as I wanted her to calm down. I actually cried as I was so upset that she would hit me like that. I told her that we don't hit in our family. That we have never hit her or her little brother, that mummy and daddy don't hit each other, that grandparents don't hit, and that it's ok to be angry but not to hit, hitting is not acceptable and that if she keeps doing it when she is older, that someone will probably call the police. I don't know if this was a good thing to say or not but I was at my wits end, as the violent outbursts are nearly daily now.

Example 2 - I have been leaving a banana on her bedside table as I thought her morning meltdowns might be something to do with low blood sugar. This worked for a few days but not today. She was dressed and downstairs watching telly and eating her banana while her father was getting showered and dressed. I came down with little brother and got him dressed and changed and ready to go to nursery. I then carried little brother upstairs to brush his teeth. She started screaming and shouting for me to carry her up the stairs as well, which I can't, she is really tall and quite heavy. I said I couldn't, and for her to come upstairs to brush her teeth. She came upstairs and screamed at me that it wasn't fair, and hit me in the back. Then her father came and intervened, put her in her room where she proceeded to try to open the door (he was holding it shut) then he went in and she hit him several times, until eventually she stopped.

We have found that these episodes last about 30 minutes. It is like a red mist of rage descends on her and you can't use reason or logic, she has always flat out refused to go to her room or sit on stairs for a time out and short of physically carrying her up to her room, depositing her and then holding the door shut, she will just charge out and continue the tantrum.

She does not do this at school, only with us, and in particular with me more although sometimes with her father, i.e. two days ago her father said she couldn't do something (can't remember exactly what but it was minor) and she punched him in the face. She is doing well at school. Home environment is normal. This behaviour is impacting on our daily lives, my husband does drop offs and so consequently he is being late for work and she is missing breakfast club because she is so disruptive, particularly in the mornings. The whole schedule goes off the track because if she flies into one of these rages it takes half an hour to calm her down.

So I guess what I want to know is does anyone have any experience of this kind of behaviour and if so, what techniques did you you use to cope with it? I know about lovebombing and we have tried cuddling her when she is in a rage but we usually end up being hit or punched. We've tried asking her to take deep breaths, count to 10, think about what she is doing if she is winding herself up to hit, but none of it works.

[Emmafromdorset]

Hi! I'm afraid I don't have any advice, but just wanted to reach out and let you k ow you're not alone. I am in a very similar situation myself and am also at my wits end! My son is 9 and he is very violent and verbally abusive, and this has been going on for about 3/4 years now. He attacks me and my husband, as well as his teachers at school. After a lot of pestering my gp/his school I finally got a referral to cahms (children's mental health) and he's been under them for about 8 months now. All they have done so far is send me on parenting courses, even though I have 2 other children with no issues, and he has problems with everyone, not just me. They have finally agreed to give him some cbt counselling, but there's a long waiting list. I now have social services involved and he's currently having to stay with my mum because after another violent outburst i restrained him by his arms to stop him punching me and it has left a red mark on his arm. Now social services are trying to imply that it's me and my husband that are violent towards him! I phoned social services 6 months ago and asked for help, which was ignored, now they are going out their way to try and prove I'm a bad mother! The whole situation is really distressing. I guess the only advice I could suggest would be to speak to your daughters school and gp, explain the situation and ask if they can offer some support. I'm so sorry you are struggling, I know how hard it is to have a violent child. Just know you are not alone, and I'm sure it's not because of anything you have done x

[mnahmnah]

Hi. My DS sounds exactly like this when he was 5. He got phases of it every few weeks up until a few months ago - he’s 7.5 now. I read that it’s normal developmentally until 7 or 8 and held onto that hope! As I said, we haven’t had any of this in about 6 months so I think we’re through it. It’s really tough. Embarrassing in public. But try to keep calm, as you are, and remember she should grow out of it. Hope that reassures you!

[MsMarvellous]

My daughter went through this phase. When she started school it really ramped up. It was one of the most awful things I've had to deal with as a parent. She would kick, hit, headbutt, and regardless of consequence just wouldn't stop. She'd wet herself intentionally out of spite too. I concluded she was so exhausted she just couldn't control her emotions and let it out at home where she was safe.

I never really got a handle on managing it other than accepting it wasn't her fault and continuing to give even handed consequences for the violence (no screen time, early nights etc).

She's grown out of it now and haven't had an 'incident' since she was about 6.5.

You're not alone! Xx

[Her0utdoors]

This sounds alot like my 5yo, it causes a lot of friction between me and her dad, he takes it very personally and is almost jealous that she doesn't do it to me. Except she does, he's just not there to see it. Like your dd, she behaves faultlessly at school and finished reception with a glowing report, so it might suppise the teachers to see her punching and biting me on the way home. A lot of the outburst seem to stem from anxiety, she takes the pressure to follow the rules and not dissapoint the teacher very seriously, aswell as the lack of personal space with 29 other, possibly less well socialised child sharing the classroom. I just have to trust she will gradually learn to control herself, most adults can get through the day without punching someone or screaming in their face.

[CanuckMummy]

I am so sorry you are going through this with social services, they should be helping you not harassing you! I hope you find the help you need. X

[Emmafromdorset]

Thank you, it is so hard and frustrating. I'm clinging to the hope that now they are going to investigate every aspect of our lives (we have no dark skeletons in our closet!) they will see we're not child abusers or bad people and finally get some real help for my son. I really am worried for his future, because if he continues this behaviour god knows where he'll end up when he's older.
Hopefully for you your daughter will grow out of this behaviour in time, as the other posters have said their children did. Unfortunately it didn't happen with mine! But don't carry on if you really are struggling, reach out and try and get some help x

[TipseyTorvey]

It's really tough isn't it it. My DS is like this but the nursery worked with us really closely and now he's diagnosed as mild asd. We've had to change everything about the way we parent and it all goes completely against my 'firm but fair' natural style. We have to explain every single process and activity in advance and now bend to 'my ice cream broke' with 'okay have a new one' rather than my instinctive 'learn to get over it, this is life' response. I'm not saying your DD is ASD of course just that my DS1 was so agreeable and never had tantrums so we had to find a new way with DS2.