2 vs 3 DCs - how do you know?

[edgeofheaven]

Two DCs 3 and 1. DH and I both work full time and have a good childcare situation (nanny and nursery). Financially we can afford a 3rd.

But I’m exhausted. Not just physically but mentally. I feel like I have just enough of “me” left after being a mother and it took a long time after DC2 was born to get there again. I imagine a 3rd DC tipping the scales to the non-mother part of me becoming completely overtaken. It would also make it harder to advance further in my career.

DH wants another but respects my view that I don’t - at least not now.

I have a friend who’s pregnant with DC3 and another who says she’s likely to TTC DC3 soon and they’re trying to convince me. So far I’m not sold. They’ve both given up work so they have less to juggle than I do right now.

Anyone felt this way but decided to go for more anyway? Does a bigger age gap help? I’m just kind of torn between liking the idea of another vs hating the reality of the newborn phase plus worrying about the effect on my work life and marriage.

[Waiting1987]

I always wanted 3 and actually started TTC. DC are 4 and 18 months and I have now decided to stick with 2. I’m fed up of every day being stressful, draining and hard physically. Looking forward to getting some independence back in a few years.

I think 3 would be too much for me to cope with.

[hazeyjane]

I guess a lot depends on your age and whether you would mind a bigger age gap.

We went from just wanting 1 to having 3 in 4 years, with ds arriving when I was 41.

The conversation dh and I had about having a 3rd was a little along the lines of,
"shall we jump off this cliff?"
"Where are we jumping to?"
"No idea...."
"Wheeeeeee"

Tbh most of our life changing decisions have been similar!!

Just bear in mind, being prepared for the unpreparable.

[yoursworried]

I ummed and aaahed about a third for ages. In the end didn't do it - DC are 4 and 6 now and I'm really glad! They're starting to be a bit expensive in hobbies and activities, and we have actual fun holidays now we don't have to take nappies/travel cot/baby crap. They can both ride a bike so we can do that together and generally we are getting out the baby toddler stuff and into much more fun.

I think sticking to two is better for most families, most mums mental health and the environment.

[thedevilcamefromthehimber]

I had my two boys close together and I was quite happy with just the two. When they boys were 3 & 4 I fell pregnant with my accident and I wouldn't change it now. Having a little girl has changed the dynamic and parenting hasn't been that much harder just need to be more organised.

[teachermam]

I hummed n hawed for ages
Am now ttc #3 but wish I'd done it 2 years ago
I'm now 39 and it's now happening
Had early mis after 6th cycle and now into 2 cycles after mis

My others are 8 and 5

[edgeofheaven]

@teachermam how do you feel about that age gap?

I’m 35 so I can think about it for a few more years still.

[edgeofheaven]

@yoursworried your situation is quite appealing! 4 and 6 no more baby stuff.

[Elliesmommy]

Currently 36 weeks with dc3. Have 3 and 1 year old at home. This pregnancy has flown as I'm very busy but I'm absolutely knackered. I'm 36 so I felt under pressure. This is our last. I think you will always regret not going for if its in your mind. I dont think you will ever regret having the 3rd

[dontbesostupid]

If you’re exhausted with two and struggling you won’t be able to cope with a third. It’s selfish to put your existing children at more of a disadvantage.

[Fundays12]

I am 38 weeks pregnant with our third. We had talked about it but got a surprise as we’re not actually trying. I have a 7 year old and 2 year old. Honestly the pregnancy has been so exhausting as I never get a moments peace and resting is impossible with a 2 year old plus school pick ups, drop offs, kids activities, toddler groups and work. I couldn’t do it again so will have no more.

[avalanching]

I find the older children get the more they need you emotionally. People often concentrate on the physical needs of children and the younger they are the more demanding that is, but don't underestimate the other aspects of parenthood. We both work full time and I just don't think I would balance parenthood and work very well with 3, the homework alone would cripple us! We have good childcare in place and I feel we have a good work life balance, but the emotional needs and presence required for 3 children would tip the scales for me.

I really like the idea of 3 children for so many reasons, but for me in my situation it would be a selfish decision, it would be for my benefit when I think the value of my time split between just the two of them is higher than that of another sibling.

[teachermam]

The age gap doesn't really bother me
At least the youngest would be doted on

[edgeofheaven]

I really like the idea of 3 children for so many reasons, but for me in my situation it would be a selfish decision, it would be for my benefit when I think the value of my time split between just the two of them is higher than that of another sibling.

This is a good point. I already feel slightly guilty when DCs are fighting for my attention and there are only 2 of them.

[avalanching]

@edgeofheaven as soon as I realised that it actually wasn't a decision just for DH and I, and I really thought about what our children would want/need, it was very easy. This is partially because of their ages, mine are 8 and 5 so a baby would have a huge impact as it completely changes the dynamic and what we can do.

[Happyspud]

I had 4 under 5. #3 was the straw that broke the camels back (#4 an accident but she’s made no difference). I don’t know anyone with 3 under 4 who isn’t perpetually in a state of deep stress and exhaustion. 2 is a LOT easier. But every child is worth it once you drag your beaten and psychologically tortured body through the tough few years and come out the other side.

Basically you need to really want to do this.

[MsTSwift]

We stopped at two. Environmental reasons and family dynamic better. Our two same sex and get on really well so we can do lots with them as older now we have done much more as a family than we would have been able to with a younger child there. I’m one of 3 imo it’s too many someone always left out. As a young teen I used to be embarrassed as seemed so many of us as seemed all the other families we knew had 2 max.

[edgeofheaven]

Our two same sex and get on really well so we can do lots with them as older now we have done much more as a family than we would have been able to with a younger child there.

Have to admit this is one of my reasons for hesitating as well. Mine are same sex and if a DC3 was the opposite I'd be looking at loads of new clothes and other crap. And before anyone lectures me - please shoe me the 3 or 4 year old wears 100% gender neutral clothing and plays with 100% gender neutral toys.

I don’t know anyone with 3 under 4 who isn’t perpetually in a state of deep stress and exhaustion.

How do you manage it with your mental and physical health? Your relationship with your partner? Do these just inevitably suffer for x period of time?

[Fundays12]

I agree with the poster who says kids get harder as they get older. My 7 year old is much harder work in a lot of ways than the 2 year old. The 2 year old is physically harder work buttons older child has far more emotional needs plus school, home work etc.

I have 2 of the boys and was worried having a girl would change the family dynamics a lot as the boys are very close and she would be left out but baba is a boy so that’s made life easier in so many ways.

[Modestandatinybitsexy]

Watching for interest. I've just had dc2 and it seems the more I have the more I want.

DH wants to stop where we are. We have one of each and tbh this newborn stage with a toddler is hard. I think he found my pregnancy quite hard too as I suffered with spd.

Think it must be newborn hormones but when I think about it I want four 🙈

[MsTSwift]

Those hormones wear off btw. I felt the same now can’t think of anything worse than having another baby. Imagine doing the biff and kipper reading scheme 3 times dear god no

[givemesomewineplease]

I always wanted 3 dc and now have them. They are gorgeous and also (luckily for me) really good easy kids but I want to give each of them all the attention they need (as well as the homework support, clubs etc) and I have to be honest, I feel I am spread too thinly. I gave up work so that I could be fully on top of the house, meal planning and admin so that my evenings are free to give my kids 100%. However I wish there was more of my to give each of them. I adore them and wouldn’t change them (or give one back!) but it’s v hard. I agree that as they get older and more independent, yes it’s easier as they don’t need physical caring so much but there’s so much more driving around to activities and play dates (at be expense of the youngest who spends their life being pulled to and fro) and also just emotional time and general life management. My 3 kids are currently 9, 8 and 5. Gorgeous ages all of them but I want to give them the very best of life and me, so sometimes I fall short of that in my eyes, but I also know they’re very happy little people. So I guess it’s working. But, as my dh works v long hours and travels a lot, I can’t consider going back to my career. If I did the kids wouldn’t see any parent much and they’d be brought up by a nanny, which is not why I had them. So yes, I am gutted as I wish I could have my career and my kids but my industry isn’t very easy for that. So I have sacrificed my career, however I wouldn’t change it. If you find it hard with two, I probably wouldn’t think about a third at the moment. I didn’t find it that hard with two, maybe because the first two were so close in age so did everything together but 3 kids has definitely made a big difference. They’re in my head all the time, planning play dates, making sure they’re doing well at school, keeping up with musical instruments etc as well as all the washing, tidying, cooking. It takes all my headspace and energy and there’s not that much left for me or dh. Hoping in time, It gets easier! (If may also be that it’s hard for me as my dh is rarely here so really I operate as a single parent most of the time - if your dh is around much more then that will make a big difference).

[Happyspud]

My 4 have a nanny but are being brought up by DH and I.

[Happyspud]

Just to clarify my nanny is an amazing addition to our family. A plus. On top of the 100% parents that DH and I are. Like an involved granny or auntie who lives them to bits. She’s not instead of us she’s in addition to us.