How much time do you spend alone with your children?(44 Posts)
DS1 is a year old, since his birth, despite great support from DH, I have spent so much time alone with DS.
Starting to find this difficult. New to area, no family nearby, and few friends here, finding hard to make friends, tried play group, etc.
DH spends every weekend and most evenings busy elsewhere at home or out.have tried to talk, but says this is how things are once you have children.
Is this so?
I normally spend all afternoon with DS, the mornings are 90% of the time out and about - for my sanity.
does your DH do anything with the baby? my DH will have DS form 4.30pm when he gets in so I can relax, does the bath/bed etc. and a friday afternoon as well he'll take him again to leave me to do my own thing. and usually he'll also do that on a weekend- inlc getting up on a sunday for me.
where are you based? maybe there's some mnetters close by who you could meet up with?
Unfortunately this sounds very simular to me. I don't think it's how things should be and it's caused many rows with me and DP with no resolution yet. I try and get out and about as much as possible to meet people but don't really have much of a support network and often feel very lonely. Sometimes DS (2.5) and i are alone for several days and evenings and i often feel i may as well be a single parent!
i don't think it is how you spend your time that is the prob, but how DH spends his. he needs to spend some time with ds and give you a break, and maybe make some time to be together doing things as a family when you can.
But you need to tell dh how you feel. when i was SAHM with ds i felt absolutely invalidated as a person. You need to have something that makes you happy, other than you ds. Do you work or SAH? Is it possible to get a babysitter, nursery for one evening/morning a week so you can get out, take a class, meet a friend for coffee or even have a date with dh?
DH does spend a part of his time at home doing essential car and house stuff, and some time building engineering projects in his "cave"
But he also offers to take DD out if he is going to BnQ, or to the supermarket, or for a walk... and I can go out without her whenever he is available - I just have to ask.
He doesn't go out as in go to the pub or gym or whatever in the evenings or the weekends.
He understands how difficult it is looking after a littlee, and that I need a break too
I generally spend every waking (and lots of sleeping) minute(s) with DD who is 2.3. But my partner does understand that I need a break even if it just a few minutes to do something uninterrupted. He also takes her off when he can - usually once or twice a week - for a couple of hours so I can concentrate on work.
Sounds like a kick up the bum is in order for your DH, Yellow. Why is he away/busy and not wanting to spend time with your son?
I am in a similar situation as you, yellowpoo, sometimes I feel like a single mum dragging my two kids around. DH works long hours and at weekends even if he is around he wont help out. He will be watching TV or playing with the computer or out playing golf.
It is a no win situations, I have had major rows with DH with no resolution.
Dont worry though, your DH will start to take notice of your DS once he is older and running around, men just dont know what to do with babies.
Things will get better!
All of my time is spent with dd (17 months), and has been since she was born. It's not alone because we go out and about to various toddler groups and activities during the week. Dh is away during the week, so is of no help then. He's taken dd out without me once (or maybe twice, am not sure) in her whole life. I get to go out without her about once a month to get my eyebrows done, and dh will stay at home with her, but I usually try to time this over naps.
When we are at home together at the weekends, I am still responsible for dd, and have to ask dh to drag himself away from his computer to look after her for a couple of minutes here and there so that I can get chores done.
I don't think this is always the way it is once you have children, but sometimes it is, usually with some resentment IMO.
agree with the other posters we've only managed to come to this arrangement after much fighting/arguing with DH and I basically said enough is enough step up. - incidently this was around the time DS was 13/14 months he got more intrested - DS is now 17 months. I think it went hand in hand with DS being more of 'a little boy' and more active/DH can do more with him etc. now they seem to enjoy play time - esp as DH is trying to teach DS to say 'hiya dada' lol.
I am not a raving feminist here but Deltamum, Yellowpoo, Chattyhan you are all in a partnership with your erm, partners. This means that you share stuff including childcare, cleaning, cooking etc. I cannot believe that you let your husbands/partners get away with doing sod all. Don't row with them, just stop cooking, washing, ironing and leave them with the kids until they realise that you're not a blardy slave. And if you have sons, for God sake bring them up to respect women would you?
lol - talking of which cal - my dad tried to take the hoover away from DS saying 'that's mummys work not daddy's and boys ' needless to say dad got a right ear ful from me and mum.
DH works split shifts, so works all morning where i am alone with DS (we do sometime go out or have friends over though) and then DH is home between around 3 til quarter to 6 where we have family time and early dinner etc - then i spend the evening with DS - til 7 when its bath and bed - then either on my own, or friends visiting - this is tue-fri, me and DH work split on saturday (DS with babysitter) and then sunday and monday are DH days off and DS care is shared equally!! i never feel lonely, i love having time with just DS and me, but can see that it would be really lonely and isolating if it was all day everyday with no support or help from DH and no adult conversation!!! speak to your DH, it's his child too afterall!
but what makes it even harder is the fact that yellowpoo is new to the area and has no family close by. I know how this feels.
I have to second Callisto here and am once again SHOCKED at what some modern women put up with.. almost makes me want to go into the next room* and give DH a big hug for being, well, just reasonable - oh, and for wanting to spend time with DS wherever possible. Kids are so 24/7 that all primary carers need their own space where possible.
Yellowpoo, I totally sympathise as am also new to an area with no family nearby and have to make all the effort with playgroups etc and it really is draining at times. Really draining. Don't know what I would do if DH was unsupportive or didn't listen to my bletherings-on. Whereabouts are you?
*But that would involve moving away from the screen so...
I do understand that Flier and once Yellow has more of a social circle it will be easier to tell her DH to stop being such a git.
pipsqueeke - send your dad round to my house, he'd have a field day. Not only does ds love our Dyson, but has his own miniature version, plus kitchen set, numerous teddies, baby doll and pink pushchair (inherited from my niece but nevertheless).... (He also has cars, trains and garages and loves real-life motorbikes, but we won't tell your dad that!)
callisto - appreciate what you're saying but it's easier said than done - if DP's not here i can't just go! I frequently refuse to do things for him and he just does them badly making more work for me in the end! He just won't see my point of view and refuses to give up his social life - it's put up with it and appreciate the rare moments he is here helping or kick him out and do it alone! Any suggestions?
As for bringing DS up to respect women yes it's very important to me that DS not only helps me (at 2.5 obviously it's mostly tidying toys) and says please and thank you but appreciates that mummy is not a slave. MIL is constantly apologising for DP and says she doesn't know where he went wrong!
Don't mean to hijack the thread yellowpoo
What is your dh doing every weekend and most evenings?
DIY, socialising, working?
Chattyhan - I hope your dp has many redeeming features to make up for his insensitivity
walnutshell - every time i think 'what a selfish man i could do so much better' he does something that reminds me i love him - like buy me the new Harry Potter!
Well, as long as there is some balance and you are happy with him, long may it continue! (I would whip his ass though. Send him to my Useless Blokes Training School)
walnutshell - 32wks preg so too tired to 'whip his ass' but hoping once DS2 arrives he won't have any choice but to muck in - keep trying to persuade midwife to admit me for a quiet week in hospital - that would force him to see the other side!
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