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Vixann Sat 21-Jul-07 19:04:00

I'm really worried that what I'm about to say may upset anyone who's unsuccessfully trying to get pregnant at the moment but I need to 'talk' to someone about this but don't want to talk to friends and family yet. I've recently found out I'm pregnant again and I feel totally down about it. DD1 is 7 months so will be 15 months when the second babe is born. How will I cope with 2, especially as DD1 will need lots of attention at that age? I know it's been done before (!) but every thread I've read seems to be about mums who've had 2nd or 3rd baby with 2 yrs apart. I had 'planned' to get pregnant when DD was 9+ months but of course things like this don't always go to plan. I guess one of the reasons I'm worried is that I think a lot of people (friends and family included) will think I'm mad/bad/irresponsible for having another one so soon. Even the health visitor told me not to rush things...and what I have gone and done?!! Ugh, I don't want to have to see her again so soon. I feel bad for DD as well - it's as if she wasn't enough for me so I had to go and get pregnant again. Which is mad because I love her so much but I guess that's why I'm feeling guilty because I know I won't have as much time for her. I mean how will I do things with her like swimming and play groups when I have a new baby? I feel like she's going to suffer because of it. I'm in a real pickle about this. My first pregnancy was of course filled with happiness and expectation - I can't believe how negative I feel about this one.

Scoobyc Sat 21-Jul-07 20:28:46

Hi, sorry I've no experience of this but didn't want your message to be ignored.
(You might get replies from people with experience of this if you re-posted with a relevant title.)

I can totally understand how you feel, I'm sure I'd feel that way too, but maybe it would help to focus on the positives. Your dd will have a little brother or sister to love and grow up with!! You may feel like she'll be missing out, but she won't know any different.
Anyway sorry not v helpful but I do feel for you, must be very scary.

kittywits Sat 21-Jul-07 20:34:33

Vixann. My ist 2 were 14 months apart and my last 2 15 months. The baby is now 3 months and dd3 18 months.
I have had the same feelings as you regarding such a close gap. It is daunting and it is hard work, ther's no getting away from that.
However. the rewards in the longer term are plenty. You will get through it and be proud of yourself too!

crokky Sat 21-Jul-07 20:34:44

It may be a bit of a shock now, but I have a LO your DD's age and I would love to have a baby born tomorrow. Babies take 9 months to cook so by the time all that time has passed, you will be fine. Oh and don't tell the HV!

crokky Sat 21-Jul-07 20:35:49

Sorry I meant your DD's age at the baby's birth - 15 months

magsi Sat 21-Jul-07 20:43:28

Vixann

I have 3 children. 5.5, 3.5 and 1.9. The youngest has cp. There were not especially close together and sometimes it seems like life is full of pooh, crying and fighting. When you get pregnant for the second time, you ask yourself questions like "how can I possibly have any love left for another baby", and "where will I find the time for another baby" etc etc. I remember the absolute feeling of overwhelming love I felt for my firstborn. I did wonder how the hell I could feel the same feeling for number 2, but when she came along, the same feelings hit you all over again. It takes a while to get into another routine, but you will adapt. Sometimes I worry that my third baby just has to fend for himself and I do not spend as much 1:1 time with him as I should, but he is a happy, well balanced little chap and is no worse off for the situation. In fact he is not in any way clingy and is very independent because of it. I have a friend who had two close together and although it has been hard work for her, she is glad that she has "got it all over with" so close together. Falling pregnant should not make you feel like you have done something wrong. Please don't worry about what the HV or family and friends think. People will always have an opinion. They probably would have the same opinion if you had got pregnant again at 9+ months like you had planned to.

I can't imagine your daughter 'suffering' because of having a little sister or brother so close to her age. It will be great when they grow up together nearly being the same age and sharing the same toys and interests etc. After I had my children, I didn't feel back to my 'normal' self until about a year after (and that was with each one!). Hormones really mess you around, plus broken sleep etc. Take this into account and be easy on yourself.

I am a great believer in things happen for a reason. Yes, it will be hard work, yes you will have no sleep but don't feel like your firstborn will suffer as a result of number 2. Feel positive and happy about this. I am sure once your close friends and family find out the weight will be lifted off your shoulders. Tell them tomorrow and then start to relax about it. The very best of luck to you.

PinkPotterWeasleys Sat 21-Jul-07 20:44:36

My sister and I are only 18months apart and from a sibling's point of view I think it's great. Yes, it will be incredibly hard work to start with but you could say the same for any age gap. An older toddler might have a worse reaction to having a new sibling if they've been used to having you to themself, you could find yourself potty training or the older one starting at school at the same time as having a new baby. Any age gap will have it's trials and tribulations.
Try to enjoy your pregnancy - pretend you're delighted and you'll soon convince yourself!
Good luck

JoanCrawford Sat 21-Jul-07 20:49:57

Hi Vix, I got pg with my second dd when my first was 6 weeks old. I too thought I'd never cope.

I cried for three days solid when I found out. I felt enormous shame having to even tell my own, very liberal, mother. I felt like a negligent teenager. I was also finding my new born tough going. I didn't have the first clue what I was doing with her, how the hell was I going to cope with two!

I totally understand the guilt thing too. I still have that a little, as neither one got me all to themselves. But just seeing them play together erases that feeling.

You will manage Vix and it will be tough at times but wonderful too, I'm sure.

JoanCrawford Sat 21-Jul-07 20:55:59

Can I just add that my dds are 3 and nearly 4 now. All my friends are just having, or are pregnant with their second.

On days out my two run off, play together, and generally sort themselves out. Whilst my friends are chasing after their 9month olds or changing nappies etc.

It's very tough having two close together when young. But I'd say it's easier when they are older. My two are the best of friends and they adore each other. I don't know if they'd of had that if I waited a few years.

Good luck x

Stroo Sat 21-Jul-07 21:00:55

A good friend of mine has two that are 15 months apart and she has practically bought them up as twins now they are 5 and 6 and are best buddies.

It will all be lovely - trust me!

As an earlier post said - there's good and bad in every age gap.

Vixann Sun 22-Jul-07 10:33:23

Goodness, you've got me crying all over again (with relief this time!). Thank you so much for all your messages of support - I really do appreciate it. I think I just needed to hear that others in the same or similar situation have survived! I sat down with DH last night and talked about my worries too which helped. You hit the nail on the head JoanCrawford when you said you felt like a 'negligent teenager'! The crazy things is DH and I had agreed that it would be fine if I got pregnant again (I guess that was before reality kicked in!). But reading your msg makes me realise that actually it will be lovely for the two of them to have each other to play with and that I'll be quite pleased to have got the early stages over and done with. Oh, you're ALL right...there are positives to this situation. I'm feeling much brighter today and thank god the rain has stopped (for the time being)! Thank you again for your support.

JoanCrawford Sun 22-Jul-07 18:55:25

I'm so pleased to hear that you are feeling more positive about the pregnancy. Enjoy it, enjoy your little ones.

I could write all day about the joy having two children gives you. I often shed a little tear when I catch them playing together, or see that they are holding hands whilst having a conversation.
And it's a huge comfort to know that they will always have each other.

Oh and I must just say, don't worry if you spend days in your PJs as you've been up all night with them both and you're knackered. I often did just that. Who cares? Don't stress if the house is a mess and you haven't made dinner. IT DOESN'T MATTER!

Wish you all the very best x

Vixann Tue 24-Jul-07 10:39:18

Your words of encouragement have been just what I needed! Thank you so much. I'm thinking about all the positives of having 2 so close together now. And I feel I now have permission to stay in my pjs all day - sometimes I want to do that with one, let alone two! I'm seeing the doctor tomorrow so once that's over with I'll get on with looking forward to the next 9 months and beyond. Thanks!

Harra Tue 24-Jul-07 13:26:36

My sister and I are 15 months apart. Think my mum was fine as she went on to have 3 more children - she did have a lot of family support. I am very close to my sister now and we were pretty close growing up. So congratulations.

annoyingdevil Tue 24-Jul-07 16:46:53

There's 15 mths between my two and, yes, it is pretty daunting at first. A huge positive is that there is no jealousy whatsoever (bet those with a two yr age gap can't say the same. Green eyed monster only really kicked in when once dd turned two and by then ds was past the difficult stage anyway. In fact, he rather enjoys being bossed around / playing rough and tumble with his big sis - giggling most of the time.

MKG Tue 24-Jul-07 17:54:43

My two are 21 months apart and I have to say that it is hard and the most fun. I'm enjoying one that is running around tearing the house up and talking up a storm, and a 2 month old that is so needy. It's nice to see them together (ds1 is so attentive to his little brother in his own way). I was really scared when I was in the hospital with ds2 thinking about bringing him home, but a friend of mine (who is also expecting her second, and has an 18 mo) looked at me and gave me the best advice:

"Dumber people than us have done it"

When you get negative and scared just think "dumber people than me have done it"

Vixann Fri 27-Jul-07 11:05:24

It really is great to hear your personal experiences...my feelings about this pregnancy have genuinely changed over the last week. I didn't think it would be so easy to feel better about it but just hearing from you all has made me face up to the fact that 'I'm not the only one' this happened to. And anyway, it's not a bad thing!! Thanks!!!

annoyingdevil Sat 28-Jul-07 10:46:34

oooh I just thought of another positive!!! that lovely long afternoon nap that both babies take at the same time (as the eldest is still young enough to do so!)

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