fed up with being treated like a tw@t.

[hadenuffnow]

changed my name for this one............
im totally fed up with banging my head against a brick wall with my ds (17)
ive been a single parent for ten yrs and never had any financiial or emotional support from my ex dh in all that time, my eldest ds has been a constant struggle to keep him on the right path in life, to cut a very very long story short,he has alot of resentment towrds me for my divorce from his dad,even though it was his dad that left me,he blames me for everything that happens to him in his life,in his eyes im his mother and anything he does wrong is my fault because i bought him up.
he left home at 15 to live with his g/f at the time,i tried endlessly to stop it happening but to no avail (social services were shite) he stayed there for a year then split up with g/f and i took him back home even though i knew it wouldnt work as he has no respect for me and has a violent temper.but he is my son and i feel i have no altenative.
i was right,it hasnt worked and in the past month my son has spat on me,thrown a party at my home while i was away for the weekend,kicked a door in,been arrested for theft,the list is endless.....
my ds is with his father at the mo and has been for 3 weeks, (his dad lives 90 miles away as i moved to get away from him!) he wants to come home tomorrow and i dont want him back.
its a dreadfull thing to say about my own son but the way he behaves with me is making me hate him.
ive literally put my life on hold for the past ten yrs to bring my boys up the best i can,ive always worked to provide for them and have never had a b/f since their dad left as i wanted to concentrate on bringing my children up.
i feel stuck,and cant take anymore of this.
advice?

[Spidermama]

Hi hadenuff. I can't advise because mine are small, but I can understand why you feel like they're making a twat of you. I feel like that too and it's horrible. All you're doing is your best for them and they've no idea how much of your self you put on hold to bring them up as best you can.

I just wanted to add some support really and say I'm sorry you're feeling this way.

Hopelfully someone will be along with some more practical advice, but it's pretty quiet on here today.

[hadenuffnow]

thanks spider.

[Cammelia]

hadenuff is it possible for your ds to stay longer/permanently with your ex?

You could say its his turn after all.

There is no reason on earth why you should tolerate a 17 year old behaving towards you with such contempt.

It wouldn't be wrong for you to not have him back.

[mytwopenceworth]

Don't have him back. I know it sounds harsh, but you will help him more by taking a firm stand.

He has to know that he cannot treat someone the way he has treated you.

He is with his dad, he is not on the streets. He is safe.

If I was in this situation, I would say Son, I love you, but I do not like your behaviour. You cannot live in this house while you show me no respect.

You are under no legal obligation to have him home.

Sometimes people need a big shock to make them wake up to themselves!

If this was my situation, I really would be telling him to stay put as I cannot tolerate his contempt any more. AND, that if he is prepared to sort himself out, I'll help, but he does not set foot in the house until he has changed.

I would emphasise that I would not, could not, turn my back on him, and I'd always love him and help him to sort himself out, but enough is enough and I'm not his whipping boy. iyswim.

[DangerousBeans]

What a difficult situation to be in, hadenuff.
I think it would be helpful for you and your exH need to come up with a plan of action for how to deal with your DS.
It seems that your DS goes from your home to his father's home, and is treating you both poorly.
If he wants to come home, I'd be tempted to go as far as making him sign a contract to obey the rules of your house.
Seriously, if he's spitting at you, and destroying things in the house, he needs to know that if it happens again, there will be consequences.
I understand that you want to make things OK for your child, but he is 17, and he needs to make a positive contribution to the family, if he wants to be part of it.
Has he got a job or a place at college?

[DangerousBeans]

And the rules at your house need to be the same at his dad's.

No abusive behaviour.
Certain chores that he has to complete.
etc

[Spidermama]

My MIL threw my dh out at around this age. He came home very late from a club once and found his clothes on the street. He knocked on the door and she just shook her head through the glass.

Obviously that's extreme but even so it worked out well. He went to live with his dad and began the growing up process BUT clearly she could have been a bit less obvious in her rejection as it did hurt him and took some healing later.

She brought up three boys on her own and just snapped one day. She'd had enough (totally understandable). I guess it's best not to get to that stage, but, like I say, in some ways it was the best thing for DH.

MIL had three sons. The youngest had a baby and left home very young (16) of his own accord, dh was thrown out and the oldest brother stayed for several more years. The one who stayed is the one who's doing worst now, even though he's very bright. He has struggled and never quite been independent. MIL still 'helps' him out when he's trying to rent flats or get jobs and he doesn't cope with life very well.

[hadenuffnow]

thanks everyone, its good to know that people dont think im a heartless cow and terrible mother because thats exactly how im being made to feel my ds and exh.

cammelia,exh does not want him there,he makes out that he wants the best for him and cares but in reality all he wants is a couple of weeks havin a laugh with him then hand him back for me to deal with all the shit that comes with him.its been the smae for 10yrs. he hasnt seen ds2 for 13months and didnt bother even sending him a card for his bday last week.exh called me a selfish bitch on the phone this am and told me im his mum i HAVE to have him back! when i mentioned that he could possibly start taking some reponsibility he put the phone down on me.

mytwopenceworth, i have done exactly what you suggested several times over the past few years and ds still can not find the ability to change and respect me or my home. im at my wits end i really am!

dangerousbeans,exh wont talk to me about it,he sees no problem in his son as he doesnt really know the type of person he is and refuses to listen if i try to explain my side of story.all he sees is the lovely well mannered,polite,caring boy that is underneath his abusive side. the past 3 weeks is most time exh has spent with ds in 10yrs!

exh has told me that they will be here (at my house) tomorrow am for ds to come home,ive made it clear that i will not take him in again and exh needs to step in but i know what they are both like nad im really worried that they will turn up here in the morning and kick off, exh id very likely to drop ds off and speed off leaving me to deal with it.then wht do i do? i feel stuck.
i should prob mention that im a childminder and do not want an abusive son in my home any longer as its also my work place.

[hadenuffnow]

spidermama, i feel just like your mil at the moment! im going to snap!

[turquoisenights]

sorry for you.
cant you just not open the door?

[CherryCupcake]

I have no experience with older kids but I just wanted to say that at 17 if my DS acted like that I wouldn't want him living with me either, at that age if they can't live by your rules they are old enough IMO to look for somewhere else to live. It would possibly strenghen your relationship long term too. I left home at 16 and although I feel a little bitter about it from time to time (wasnt the same situation as your son, my mum chose her new husband over me) I do feel it did me the world of good.

[hadenuffnow]

turquoise,id love to just not open the door but i know that the pair of the are capable of just kicking the door in. unfortuantly exh is as much of a disrespectfull twit as what ds1 is!
neither of them would think twice about it.

cherry,thanks for that,i really do feel that ds should be finding somewhere else to live,ive found rooms for him to rent at reasonable,affordable prices(we live in a very affluent area) but hes not followed up any leads.in his eyes hes my responibilty.

[mytwopenceworth]

Are you scared? It sounds like they may do some damage, is that right? contact the police. tell them you have someone on route to your house who is coming to cause you harm. Tell them they must come to protect you. Get the police round to arrest them. phone them and tell them you have called the police and they are NOT to come to your house. tell them you are applying for an injunction. tell them anything, just do NOT let them near you.

[turquoisenights]

i agree with mytwopenceworth.

[hadenuffnow]

mytwopenceworth, yes i am scared, not for myself or ds2 as im more than capable of looking after myself! but i am scared that they will cause damage, im most scared that exh will drop ds off here and drive off into the sunset leaving me to deal with it as usual. once ds is back here how do i get him out? im adamant (and he knows it) that hes not coming back to live here.

[DangerousBeans]

Does your son have a job or go to college?
That must be being affected by him going from your house to his father's, and back again?

[BecauseImTheFatLady]

Sorry to hear about this - what a really difficult situation.

But I agree with everyone else that you really have to take a stand and you should refuse to take him back.

Then change the locks (assuming that ds has a key?) and make sure that you are out tomorrow. If, in your absence, they kick the door down then they can be arrested for criminal damage.

AIf you don't want to be out, then I agree it would also be a good idea to go to the police and tell them your situation.

I hope it works out for you.

[hadenuffnow]

yes he does "go" to college and has a job. he has finished college untill mid sept and i have tried to encourage him to enquire about continuing his college at the 4 colleges he could attend near his dads. ive given him details but has done nothing. he only attends college when he really has to,and spends the rest of the time either in bed or asking me for money to buy ciggerettes.
as for his job.........he has a fab job with a fab boss who cares about him and ds just messes around with that,he phones in sick,goes in late,doesnt turn up atall.
underneath all this ds is a gr8 lad,hes good at what he does (bricklaying) and is a well mannered,generally nice lad.but he has a real nasty side and thats what he is 90% of the time.

[Cammelia]

Sounds as though he is being encouraged by your exh to be disrespectful to you


This is simply not a situation you can continue with - fear of criminal damage to your home, etc - tell your exh that if he comes round you will call the police.

You must make a stand.

[hadenuffnow]

thanks cammela,i have warned both of them that i will call the police, im quite sure neither of them would wnat that as ds has a criminal record already for stealing a bike and exh has done 2 stints in prison. i wouldnt hesitate to call the police on either of them,this is makinng my like unbearable at the moment.

[hadenuffnow]

thanks kerry, im hoping your situation doesnt escalate to how mine has.

[hadenuffnow]

well ive not heard anything from ds today,and no sign of them. im hoping his dad may have found the sense to keep ds with him and start being responsible ,unfortunatly i doubt that!

[smeeinit]

ds has rung my sister and told her hes staying at his dads permenently,and has sorted his college out.
im rather sceptical as when i spoke to him sat morn he had not done anything regarding college. i suppose time will tell!

[lilysmum2007]

my sister was exactly the same to my mum, after our parents divorce right up until she was 21. my mum put up with so much ...house being trashed, violence, strange men in the house. in the end she threw her out , put the phone down when it got abusive, didnt call her and just left it up to my sister (needless to say this devastated my mum) but in the end without my mum letting her come home or picking her up from the police station at 3am for a while she finally started to realise just what our mum does for us and so far so good. she still has a few rows with mum but she seems to have turned a corner. obviously this isnt from a parents point of view (mine are babies) and each family is different but a bit of distance worked wonders for my mum and sister.