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benign neglect and the demanding child

(19 Posts)
yawningmonster Fri 13-Jul-07 11:39:20

can it be done???
ds is a people person and requires interaction all waking hours of the day or so it seems, very hard to develop independence and some space for me when he lasts about 3.2 seconds before I hear him hollering "mummy I was looking for you" and this when I am in the same room just not at the same activity iykwim?
Btw he is 2.9

clutteredup Fri 13-Jul-07 11:44:52

Can I recommend pre school in September so someone else can give him the attention and you a break.

Rantmum Fri 13-Jul-07 11:45:35

My ds is similar and it is hard, but do think learning to occupy themselves is important for children.

I tend to set ds up with an activity (drawing or playdough, or cars or whatever) play for a few mins and then withdraw, but pop back in every so often and comment on what he is doing. So not exactly "benign neglect" but as close as I can get with an extrovert child.

Rantmum Fri 13-Jul-07 11:46:30

Oh yeah and I am lucky if I get an hour of this a day.

cornsilk Fri 13-Jul-07 11:48:16

Can you wear him out? What about swimming?

Rantmum Fri 13-Jul-07 11:50:36

Exercise is good too, cornsilk, a loooonnnng morning walk can result in a quiet afternoon at my house - just need to fit it in to my day - that is the problem!

clutteredup Fri 13-Jul-07 11:52:49

Wearing them out is a good idea cornsilk. Also the activity on own stuff, and dare I suggest it sometimes a bit of TV could be allowed, just for a bit of a break. I did find though that DS became more independent and involved in activities on his own after some time at pre school, he learnt he could get on with things. He doea still prefer company of others, DD1's arrival helped with that too, and now he's at school so the social net has extended too. Could you invite a friend round to play too, then he's got attenetion from someone other than you.

yawningmonster Fri 13-Jul-07 11:58:18

unfortunately i am the one who gets worn out, we do something out the house every day (park, ducks, walk, play with mates, zoo, playcentre (parents stay for this) then back for lunch and from 1-5ish I have 4ish hours of jigsaws, then playdough, then stories, then dancing, then cars, then painting, then blocks etc and like I say if I set him up then merge into the background he comes a hollering..."mummy you got to see this though" mummy you need make a bigger tower"...then dinner and bath then more "mummy play trains with me" etc till bedtime at 7,

He is also incredibly argumentative for a 2.9
Mummy come....
I'll just finish...
I need you now it's broken
I thought you said it was broken
You here now lets play

clutteredup Fri 13-Jul-07 12:00:21

Definitely need pre-school , He'll probably resist as it sounds like he is very demanding of your attention but it will help with his independence and the separation before school.

yawningmonster Fri 13-Jul-07 12:03:13

dh was on the rocker reading the other day while ds was in the room and I thought, I haven't done that ever while he was here and awake!!! (Is 11pm here by the way and ds well and truly tucked up)

clutteredup Fri 13-Jul-07 12:09:34

Glad you get a bit of time when he's asleep. My DC are far more demanding of me than of DH but I think that's because I've always given them the attention whereas DH is quite happy to ignore them or say I'm having my breakfast/luch/tea/reading my book/newpaper. I can't do it so they demand my attention more. Could you get away when DH is around, just pop up the road or sneak off and hide in your bedroom to have a bit of a break. He'll start to get used to you not being with him all the time and things might improve. BTW pre-school will be free for your DS the term after he turns 3 so either this September or January if he's 3 in September or later.

filchthemildmanneredjanitor Fri 13-Jul-07 12:11:08

videos!!!! or cbeebies!!!!! that should give you an hour.

Rantmum Fri 13-Jul-07 12:40:22

Yes, I know, I know, tv will rot the brain and all that. But half an hour a day in the context of a busy and active life should be fine, so I agree with ftmmj. Ds loves to sing along with nursery dvd's and I get some time to do stuff uninterrupted.

tuppy Fri 13-Jul-07 16:33:00

My ds3 is now 3.5 and still very demanding in the way you describe, but steadily improving now. I agree with clutteredup that preschool is a great idea. Mine started at 2.9 last Sept. Not afraid to say it was utter BLISS for me. Like you I couldn't be doing something different in the same room without him going off on one...Also he'd go berserk if i tried to leave him for a moment or 2 to put away laundry, have a pee etc.

christie1 Fri 13-Jul-07 18:39:55

I think you need to just say no. I know how hard it is believe me but you and he will enjoy your time together so much more if you are not doing it resentfully or exhausted and he needs to learn he can amuse himself and mommy deserve a cup of tea and a sit down during the day. It's not neglect, it's life. You are his mom, not his personal slave. He is old enough to be playing alone. IT will a battle for a bit but don't back down no matter what and he will learn that mommy respects herself and her time is worthy. He will be better for it. (I am not suggesting you don't respect yourself, it's jsut hte message you will send that a few minutes of adult time to yourself means you are deserving. IMO no kids truly wants to believe he is in control.

Butterbeertroot Fri 13-Jul-07 18:42:46

There is nothing wrong with saying. I ma busy at the moment but in half an hour I will be with you - show him the clock and let him wait.

He wil then find ways of enjoying time playing laone. A great tool for the rest of his life.

canadianmum Fri 13-Jul-07 18:48:08

He should definitely improve as he gets older, but until then you could try putting a timer on for say 10 minutes and tell him that you can't play with him again until the timer goes off, then increase the time gradually. Tell him that Mummy has something important to do for x minutes and then walk away. Worked for a friend of mine.

aloha Fri 13-Jul-07 18:48:57

I say one word to you. Cbeebies.

Butterbeertroot Fri 13-Jul-07 18:50:15

Cbeebies is great as is learning to play alone - it is such a good skill for life

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