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Longing for another, DP not keen. Feeling sorry for myself!

(48 Posts)
snowleopard Sun 01-Jul-07 21:28:25

Firstly I know how very lucky I am to have my darling DS. But I've always known I wanted another and now he's turned 2 I'm really feeling it strongly - physical longing, just like the first time.

DP has never been that keen - though he said he wanted kids, it took a lot of persuading to have DS (he just wanted to put it off indefinitely) and now he says he feels he just couldn't cope with the extra effort involved in having another. He's also worried about ASD (he has a brother with it) and other birth conditions, and about being a bad dad because he's not as into it as me (though in fact he's a great dad and far more hands-on than most I know). To be fair he knows I want to and he says he's trying to persuade himself. But after a very reasonable and calm conversation about it today the bottom line is no. Was quite contained about it during our talk, but now I just want to sob and sob (which if i did so to him, would just look like emotional blackmail...)

Would love to hear from anyone who knows how this feels... or even from anyone who's successfully changed their partner's mind on this...

HonoriaGlossop Sun 01-Jul-07 22:02:01

I'm sorry, I don't have experience of this (as funnily enough am very content mum of one!) but your post really touched me and i wanted to answer.

i think you need to stop holding back. You need to let your dh see you sobbing and sobbing, if that's how you feel. It's not emotional blackmail - it's honesty. He has had the luxury of being able to tell you honestly how HE feels. You need him to do the same for you; if it upsets you dreadfully, he needs to know. Because it's a decision that affects the rest of your life. If at some point in the future you find this issue 'eating away' at you, at least if you've let him see how you feel, he can never turn to you and say "But I didn't know you felt that strongly about it - our conversations about it were so reasonable and calm" etc etc. Do you see what I mean?

I know it's a horrible issue if you're not in agreement about it, but I really think he needs to know how you really feel; it may or may not change how he feels but it's something very fundamental about you that he needs to know, as your partner!

Good luck.

appletree3520 Sun 01-Jul-07 22:07:48

I had exactly the same thing. I had 2 DS's and when the second turned 2 I really really wanted another - always just thought I'd have 3 and so was almost shocked when DH said no. Same reasons stated as you, coping with a 3rd and worry about birth conditions, and also just being happy with 2. Would barely discuss it because he didn't want to be talked around. I did sob and sob at one point and he was upset by it but the answer was still no. I'd never been so broody before. Tried all sorts to take my mind off it, even cleared the loft of almost all baby things in an effort to convince myself that that was it, no more babies. But it didn't work, still broody. And it went on for a long time. But in the end, when 2nd DS was 5, and we hadn't talked about it for a very long time and I think DH had just stopped being so worried about coping, suddenly one night we were just reckless (as he put it!) and 3rd DS is now 6 months old! So there is hope... And I didn't change his mind as much as wait for him to relax on the whole subject, though I hope you don't have to wait as long as I did!

cece Sun 01-Jul-07 22:10:02

I have no idea as still not been able to convince DH about having another either.

snowleopard Sun 01-Jul-07 22:15:32

Thanks so much Honoria - am sobbing again now!

You're absolutely right and I do tend to held back and be super-reasonable and in control. It's not that I don't cry in front of him, I do and he would be lovely about it if I did (and he does know I'm upset). It's just I didn't want to have a sensible conversation, accept his "no" and then immediately follow it with a sobathon - as in "Ok I didn't get what I wanted so now I'll turn on the waterworks" IYSWIM.

However I could be a bit less calm and sensible in general. I haven't gone on about it, have just raised it today for the first time in about a year and yet I think about it every day. It's hard seeing so many of DS's contemporaries get their little siblings and so many of the mums I know being pg. <snivel!>

I really will take what you've said on board. DP is a very sensitive soul, panics easily, has suffered depression etc. and I tend to take the strain - although he actually copes far better than he thinks he does.

Brangelina Sun 01-Jul-07 22:16:21

I'm in exactly the same position Snowleopard, my DD is nearly 2 and the broodiness is starting to weigh on me, plus I'm on the wrong side of 40 so there is extra urgency. I understand you absolutely, every time I see a pregnancy bump I feel indescribable envy and sadness. My DP didn't really want DD - although he loves her to bits now - and during a recent argument about other things he re-iterated that there was not going to be a second child.

At the moment I'm in denial, I've kept all my DD's baby things and haven't given away anything she's grown out of, just in case. I've mentally given it till next winter(also because I've just changed jobs) and I'll confront the issue again then, although tbh I have resigned myself to DD being an only child as even if DP did say yes there's no guarantee I could conceive due to my age.

snowleopard Sun 01-Jul-07 22:18:25

appletree and cece, just saw your posts - thank you. That's a lovely story appletree! My natural inclnation is also for 3 (I'm one of three as well) but I'd pretty much given up on that as I'm nearly 38 - but you never know. In my fantasies we have an accident and it's twins

maximummummy Sun 01-Jul-07 22:21:40

snowleopard i know EXACTLY how you feel my dd is nearly 13 , my ds is 2 and a half and i feel absolutely desparate to have another and have done for some time - time is running out for me and my dp is NOT budging the answer is no no NO

today i went to visit my friends new baby she was soooo lovely and it was like rubbing salt into the wound. . .

before we ttc ds i spent many a night out getting extremely drunk and begging dp to let me have a baby (even crying) in the end he said i had to ask him about it when i was sober >..>..i did when i'd got my nerve up and i was in floods of tears >..>>. . . he said yes then but it won't work again i'm sure . . . feel a bit embarassed about the crying now cause i dont do crying usually

snowleopard Sun 01-Jul-07 22:23:16

Brangelina I'm the same, I keep DS's things and I think "If I have a DS2 we can use them, if I have a DD then I will still be able to use this and that, and have loads of fun shopping". No matter what your DP/DH says, I don't think it's possible to let go of the hope, is it?

It helps so much to read your posts and just feel that I'm not alone and not bananas.

snowleopard Sun 01-Jul-07 22:27:28

maximummummy, isn't it funny. It IS such an emotional thing and you do cry - I am not someone who sobs to "get my way" but it's such a feeling of desperation.

You should see me around the new crop of babies I keep meeting. I'm all over them - one friend said she likes bringing her DS round to get smothered with attention by me because (having a 2yo as well) he hardly ever gets any from her... We also just had friends to stay who had their first baby recently, and I was quite pathetic - constantly offering to hold her

cece Sun 01-Jul-07 22:29:16

I did actually fall pg accidently last year but sady had a mc.. This confirmed my longing for a baby and his longing not to have one though.

Plus I am also the wrong side of 40. I do resent him for it though. I think about it daily.

snowleopard Sun 01-Jul-07 22:31:36

So sorry to hear that cece - how sad for you.

cece Sun 01-Jul-07 22:32:18

Hope you have a better outcome

snowleopard Sun 01-Jul-07 22:34:10

Well let's hope there is hope for us all, still.

Brangelina Sun 01-Jul-07 22:39:29

No, I can't let go of the hope. After all, I never imagined I'd have children due to circumstances, then at the 11th hour DP arrived out of the blue and all my dreams came true..... Not quite like that but still pretty miraculous all considered. I keep trying to be fatalistic about it, and remind myself that I am very very lucky to have DD, but I can't help wanting more. And yes, DD's contemporaries are all acquiring siblings in this period and I feel totally left out and .

Brangelina Sun 01-Jul-07 22:43:16

So sorry to hear that Cece. I can imagine my DP being relieved if anything like that happened to me. He had his moments of non acceptance during my first pregnancy (and was quite nasty at times) so I do wonder what his reaction would be to a second accidental pregnancy.

AbRoller Sun 01-Jul-07 23:11:29

cece, very sad to hear that.

Snowleopard, like a few others, I know exactly how you feel. I was going to post a thread tonight about it. I've had the conversation with dp and it seems we will be going our separate ways. Anyway, I don't want to take over your thread, I just wanted to let you know you are not alone, I get all the same feelings around pg woman and little babies. I cry every day and in the end I cannot live with dp because I resent him too much. My dd from a previous relationship is 7 and I'm gutted that she will be an only child.

Hope the best for you. take care.

snowleopard Sun 01-Jul-07 23:48:07

Just checked back here, thank you all for your replies and I'm sorry this is such a sad thread! I'm still feeling weepy and am off to bed. But will be happy to keep this going and/or discuss this again.

Mog Mon 02-Jul-07 10:30:38

Can you try getting him to be more specific about what his objections are? I think men can be very practical about these things. He says he won't be able to cope with another one. Has he thought that it might be easier with 2 once you're past the pre-school age. you'll have more entertaining to do with one as they get older perhaps.

Could he make a list and you could sit down and work through it together and see if you can reach an answer.

reindeermum Mon 02-Jul-07 10:56:45

snowleopard and friends do not give up hope. My dh was very very very against the idea of having another a year ago, and he gradually came round and realised I was right. I am now 6 months preg. I agree with Honoria - don't hold back show him how you feel.

It is awful - I remember I was very depressed about this a year ago as the physical longing was so great and I just KNEW that my family were not all here yet (even though this one is actually number 4!) It is a real physical, painful ache that men do not understand but we need to make them try.

It took me a lot of work and time to change my DH mind, but he now realises how desperately important it is to me.

Do you do the majority of the childcare anyway? If so having another will affect you much more than him so should be more your decison any way. (siblings also do entertain each OTHER for some of the time which HELPS!)

I really sympathise with those of you in this position - it really is so painful. I am with you all the way and wish you lots of luck.

good luck don't give up hope x

snowleopard Mon 02-Jul-07 11:29:19

Thanks reindeermum, what a lovely post. And congratulations!

You're so right about the childcare, yes it is me who does it (I work part-time, take DS to nursery when I do work, SAHM when I don't, and even at weekends tend to do more than DP) and I have pointed out to him how little difference it would actually make - he would have to do a bit more at weekends and bedtime - um, that's it. And we/he can afford it financially. He was exactly like this first time round as well though - he just fears change and stress and makes it bigger in his mind than it actually is.

I remember sobbing when I was 30 over wanting a baby and he was really shocked and said "surely we've got another 10 years at least to think about that" . I was 34 when we started TTC after I basically insisted that if we were going to do it at all we had to get going. He's just a terrible heel-dragger.

You're right, he has no idea how this feels. And it bugs me that the person who says no automatically wins, because what they want is the status quo.

snowleopard Mon 02-Jul-07 11:31:22

And what you say about your family being not all here yet - that's so exactly it! I feel like I miss my baby so much - the one I haven't had yet!

reindeermum Mon 02-Jul-07 12:42:38

Yes that is just how I felt. I've read more and more on threads on mumsnet that it is pretty much the rule that men love them (the babies) once they are there with you, and would NEVER EVER have it any other way or be without them, but are generally negative or at best indifferent beforehand. (men also like this about lots of other issues too which the woman generally ends up organising or driving forward. They are by nature annoying!) .It is definitely a biological thing. Are you going to talk to him about it again really soon?

AbRoller Mon 02-Jul-07 12:42:56

OMG - I thought I was weird for feeling like that. I tried to explain to dp that I felt I was mourning a child who will never be. I think he thought I was mad. It's not a nice feeling but it definately helps to know other women feel that way too.

Best wishes to all of you.

snowleopard Mon 02-Jul-07 12:51:17

Yes reindeermum, I've been so miserable since we talked about it he can't help but notice, and he has said he did listen to me and will still try to think about it - so I suppose I am lucky in that it isn't a 100%, absolute no. It's just that he can't face it now and doesn't know if he ever can.

It's true that he's like this about other things too. His default state of mind is "I can just about cope now, if anything changes I'll fall apart". It's bollocks but he can't see it.

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